


Who We Are

by chubbyhawke, The_Tevinter_Biscuit



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Adultery, Amnesia, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Cheating, Domestic Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, Forced Marriage, M/M, Memory Loss, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Physical Abuse, Sexting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-04-23 07:45:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 79,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14327847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chubbyhawke/pseuds/chubbyhawke, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Tevinter_Biscuit/pseuds/The_Tevinter_Biscuit
Summary: Fenris awakens in an unfamiliar hospital bed with an unfamiliar man claiming to be his fiancé. With no memories of his life before the accident, he finds himself tied up in a messy marriage with no signs of escape until he meets a fellow trophy wife at a party.





	1. Wed and Bed

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was finished in its entirety a month ago and ive decided to post it! written by both me and @chubbyhawke, and then edited by me also.  
> it has some very not nice themes so please heed all of the warnings on this fic!
> 
> (yes i promise im still working on RES too)
> 
> enjoy!

Danarius had always considered himself a man of sensibility and good taste. So, when this opportunity presented himself, he would have been an idiot to turn it away. He was a little young, if he was honest, but he could pass for much older than he actually was without a problem. Besides, did his age truly matter now? He supposed it didn’t.

He reached over, slipping the shiny diamond ring on his finger as he began to wake up. He’d even picked a name already, one far better than the one his ghetto-trash mother had given him. This boy was a much stronger one than she had suspected him to be. He was beautiful, yet powerful enough in will that he could beat death itself.

“Fenris,” he said softly, squeezing his shoulder. “Can you hear me, dear?”

Stirring from his slumber, the skinny teenage boy’s green eyes fluttered open. Bright lights. So many bright lights, white all around him. Where was he? Why was he here? Who was he? There were too many questions and not enough answers. His body ached.

The hospital, he noted as his eyes scanned the room. Oh, that’s right, he’d been unconscious for several months. They weren’t sure if he would make it. However, against all odds, he woke up again. Everyone looked unfamiliar. No one would tell him anything. His gaze finally settled on the man who was touching his shoulder. Something about his face was distinctively familiar but he couldn’t place it.

“Who…” he said quietly, voice hoarse.

“Oh, love, it’s me, Danarius,” he said softly, smiling at him and running his hand over his head. His hair had been shaved off for the procedure but it did nothing to affect his magnificence. “Your fiancé?”

He was absently running his hand soothingly up and down his arm, appreciating his soft skin.

“I’m… engaged?” Fenris replied, eyebrows furrowed. That _would_ explain why the man’s face looked so familiar. What did he say his name was? Danarius. He tried his hardest to try and remember more but nothing was bubbling to surface. Maker. Why couldn’t he remember anything?

“Oh no... do you not remember me, Fenris? The doctor who performed your operation informed me that you suffered quite a bit of head trauma,” he frowned, the look of concern never leaving his face. “We’ve been together for two years now. We met at the coffee shop downtown next to the library. We were getting married in May.”

Fenris stared back at him as he processed this information. All of this was new to him, but he had no reason to believe that Danarius was lying to him. There was only one thing bugging him about this. Danarius was… not a young man. Middle-aged at least with greying hair. If they’d met two years ago, that meant that he hadn’t been unconscious for many years or anything like that. He looked down at his hands to check for signs of wrinkles just in case but instead of finding that, he only found light scars on his arms and a diamond ring on his finger.

“Did you… buy me this?” he asked, wiggling his fingers.

“Of course,” Danarius said with a note of pride to his tone, giving his arm another small squeeze. “I have one as well.”

He held out his hand for Fenris to see the ring on his right hand, matching Fenris’s perfectly, though significantly larger.

“Oh…” Fenris replied slowly, looking over at the matching ring. They definitely were the same. It definitely looked expensive too. Just what had he gotten himself into? Surely, he wasn’t the type of guy who married someone for their money. Though… who even was _he_? “I’m sorry… I don’t remember.”

“Do you remember anything, love? Anything at all?” Danarius asked, looking a little saddened as he met the boy’s eyes with his own grey, seemingly empty ones.

“Not… a lot. My name is… Fenris? You said?” Fenris said. He pushed himself up carefully in hopes that it would help him focus. If Danarius truly was his fiancé, then he must know plenty about him. He was his only hope. “What else can you tell me? Maybe I’ll remember something.”

“Well, we’ve been together for two years. You met me soon after you finished college, I struck up a conversation with you and you never fancied yourself attracted to older men. You always told me that after we were together for a long time, too. That you never would have pictured yourself with someone like me,” he laughed a little as if he were looking fondly back on the memory. “You went to the community college here in Kirkwall and got a degree in business. You hated the job you had, so you quit, we moved in together and you stayed at home while I worked. You said you were happier with your hobbies, rather than wasting time doing something you hated when I had enough money for us both. I proposed to you at the same coffee shop where we met while we went out to breakfast one morning, and we’ll be married on our anniversary.”

“In May,” Fenris repeated what he’d heard him say earlier. None of this was ringing any bells but… well, what else did he have to go on? “I know this must sound like a silly question but how… how old am I?”

“It’s not silly. We’re just trying to figure out what you remember,” he hummed soothingly. “You’re twenty-four. Your birthday is in August, so, almost twenty-five.”

“And… how long have I been unconscious? I briefly remember one of the… doctors, or maybe it was a nurse, I don’t know, there when I woke up, but that’s it,” Fenris mumbled.

He began twiddling his thumbs, looking down at them as he did so.

“A week. I’ve been here to check on you every day. I would ask you if the staff treated you well, but it doesn’t seem you would remember that either,” he laughed, trying to lighten the mood a little bit and seem casual.

“I suppose not,” Fenris said. It was frustrating, to say the least. He wished he could remember just… _something_ , anything. Gradually, he raised his head back up to look at Danarius. “So… when am I getting out of this hospital?”

“Soon, love. Once I finish up some paperwork that I’m waiting for the doctor to bring me,” he cooed. “I’m in charge here, you’d think that they’d give a bit of priority to my fiancé and I but apparently not. Are you hungry? Thirsty? I can get you whatever you’d like.”

“Um, a glass of water would be nice,” Fenris said with a nod. His throat did feel a little scratchy now he thought about it. Though, that probably had something to do with the whole not talking for a week.

“I’ll be right back, then,” Danarius leaned forward to kiss him on the forehead but hesitating, deciding instead that this might not be the best time. He rose to his feet and he headed out the door to go and fetch him some water. When he returned, he helped Fenris sit up and handed him the cup. “Here, drink.”

“Thank you,” Fenris mumbled when he took the cup and for a brief moment, a slight smile covered his face.

He took a big sip from the cup and sighed at the cool taste of the water easing the soreness of his throat. It was better than he thought water would be.

“You _were_ thirsty,” Danarius noted with a chuckle, taking the empty glass once he’d finished. “Feeling a little better?”

“Yeah, a little,” Fenris nodded. He set the cup down once he’d finished drinking. Everything was still so surreal. Perhaps when he got back to his house with Danarius, it might trigger some memories. “What… did the doctors say about my memory?”

"They said that you might get some memory back, however, it also just as likely that you don't," he said with a sad look on his face. "All we can do is hope and try to live with this situation as best as we can."

“Okay,” Fenris said.

He could only imagine how frustrating this must be for Danarius, for someone you loved to not remember you. However, it was equally annoying for him to not remember…well… anything. He reached his hand up to run his fingers through his hair and was surprised to find none, only the light stubble of where his head had been shaved.

"They had to shave your hair for the operation," Danarius explained, noticing the look of confusion on his face. "Oh, here's that doctor. I'll be back, I'm going to sign the paper work so that you and I can go home."

Fenris only nodded, watching him walk away. It was strange. He almost felt like he could remember the feel of his hair, the way he tucked it behind his ears. Perhaps he was just imagining it. Either way, it seemed he would have to get used to this shaved feel until his hair grew back.

Danarius returned soon enough with some clothes under his arm and car keys in his hand.

"We're good to go," he cooed. "Here, get dressed and meet me in the lobby. We'll head home as soon as you're ready. Maybe we can stop and get a bite to eat as well, if you'd like that. Hospital food is incredibly dull."

With that, he ran his hand over Fenris's shaved head appreciatively before politely leaving Fenris to change.

When he left, Fenris couldn’t say he didn’t appreciate the discretion. He shifted to get out of the hospital bed and then made his way to a private place to get dressed. The clothes were a perfect fit even if he didn’t recognise them, he noted, and wondered if Danarius had brought them from his home. Once ready, he found the lobby and Danarius waiting there for him.

"There you are, you look much better when you're not in a hospital gown. Like you're actually alive," he said. "Come, love. Would you like to stop anywhere on the way, or would you prefer we head straight home?"

“I’d like to go home,” Fenris replied. Right now, he was hanging on the possibility that being home would help him get his memories back.

"Sure, I can cook something for you there if you get hungry," he smiled, leading Fenris out with him to his car. He felt so proud of himself. He was doing so well, and Fenris was like putty in his hands. This couldn't possibly be going any better. He opened the door for Fenris before he climbed into his own side of the car, buckling in and starting it up. Now, he just had to get him home.

Fenris looked around the car. It was nice, expensive, but remained unfamiliar even as he buckled in and they began driving home. He drank in every sight, but nothing was even making the slightest spark in his mind. What if he never remembered anything?

As they pulled up to the house, Danarius opened the door for him once more and locked the car behind him, walking by his side to the front door where they entered his house, and Danarius kicked off his shoes. His cat was walking by as they entered, hissing when it caught sight of Fenris and running under the couch. Danarius sighed.

"It seems as though he's missed you," he hummed.

“A cat,” Fenris said, even though it was obvious. Danarius hadn’t mentioned anything about a cat. It didn’t seem like it liked him very much either. He turned to look at Danarius with a curious expression. “We have a cat?”

"I do, I've had him since before we met, his name is Anders," Danarius explained as he set down his keys and removed his coat. "I've tried to refer to him as our cat once before, but Anders is very particular. He only seems to like me, and he is not very fond of anyone else. Even though you've lived here for a year now."

Even though he had been giving the warning, Fenris went chasing after the cat anyway. He’d seen Anders dart under the couch so that’s where he went to look.

"Fenris, you won't want to do—"

But, it was too late. Anders had whipped around to face Fenris with wide pupils, hissing at him and lashing his tail. He reached out with a paw to bat at him, perhaps to scare him away, scratching him across the nose.

“Ow!” Fenris exclaimed. He pulled back instantly, hand reaching up to feel his nose where he’d been scratched. There was a little bit of blood on his fingers when he looked down.

"I told you not to do that," Danarius huffed, rushing over with a tissue to dab at the blood forming on Fenris's face. "Just a small scratch. Hold that there and it'll stop the bleeding."

“Sorry…” Fenris mumbled. He held the tissue to his nose and looked down at the floor, seemingly ashamed of his actions. Truthfully, he just wanted to see the cat. He was curious.

"You're forgiven," Danarius said, smiling a little at him as he turned away. "Would you like me to show you around? It will feel a bit odd to show a man his own home but, perhaps it will jog your memory."

“Yes, please,” Fenris nodded. That was what he wanted, more than anything. The possibility of never getting his memories back was terrifying but he wouldn’t lose hope, not now. There were still so many opportunities for them to come back to him.

Danarius gladly lead him through the living room and down the hall.

"This is my office, I'm usually here when I'm not working, and while I'm at work, this is where you tend to be," he explained. "And down the hall, here, is our room. This dresser is your dresser, actually." He pat the wooden wardrobe and smiled. The bed was huge, as was everything else in this house, it seemed. "The master bathroom is also right here."

Inside it was a huge bathtub, larger than a person might need. Danarius's home, _their_ home, was extravagant.

“This is… a big house,” Fenris commented. It should’ve been expected really with the fancy diamond ring. Plus, Danarius had said that he made enough money to support both of them and so he chose to stay at home and not work.

"It is. I'm a doctor, Fenris. I don't operate on people as much as I once did, I've developed a condition that gives me rather shaky hands. So, instead, I run the hospital and manage everyone who works there," he said.

“I suppose that explains this and the… fancy engagement rings,” Fenris said. He turned to look at Danarius. Nothing was triggering any memories still. “I’m… sorry. I can’t imagine what this is like for you but I just…I can’t… remember.”

"It's alright," Danarius said softly, looking defeated, unable to meet the other man's eyes. "You don't have to stay here, if it's too strange for you. Though... if possible, I would be happy to... continue our life together as we were living it. The doctor said that keeping a routine is the best thing for you. But I cannot ask you to live with a man that you do not know, let alone to live with a man that you do not..." He paused, licking his lips. "That you do not love."

Fenris looked equally dejected about the lack of memories. This was scary, he couldn’t deny that. Living with a man he couldn’t remember in a house he didn’t know? Especially with that cat that hated him. However, going anywhere else he had a feeling would be just as bad. This was his best shot.

“No, it’s… this is the best thing I can do for myself. If I’m going to get my memories back it’s… likely going to be here, right?” Fenris said hopefully.

"That is true," Danarius agreed, smiling as well. "And, in the worst of scenarios, we can always form new memories together." He leaned in, as if he wanted to kiss him but again decided against it, like he had in the hospital. "Would you prefer that I treat you the way I had before?" he asked. "Before you... before you had forgotten."

 _Like lovers_ , Fenris thought. Could he deal with that from a man he barely knew? It made his heart race, cheeks flushed as he thought about the idea of being… like _that_ with anybody, even though if they were engaged and had been together for two years, he must’ve been. He just couldn’t remember and now he felt like a schoolboy being offered to practice kissing with a girl from his class.

“Um. Yes… but I… would appreciate it if we could take it easy,” Fenris said.

"You are completely understood," Danarius said with a sigh of relief.

He finally gave in to the urge he'd been fighting, leaning in to kiss him on the forehead. His skin was so soft under his lips, Maker, he wished he could taste him everywhere. But not now, not yet.

"I'm going to start dinner. Feel free to make yourself... well, at home," he said, turning and heading down the hall.

The kiss gave Fenris tingles. It was a strange sensation, one he couldn’t quite tell if it was pleasant or not. Regardless, he took his word and began looking more around the house for anything that might trigger a memory.

That night, the two of them sat through dinner, trying to make small talk and failing. However, Danarius was not deterred. He would get Fenris to love him, if it were the last thing that he did. So, the very next morning, Danarius arrived in the bedroom to approach sleeping Fenris with a tray that contained the most extravagant breakfast anyone had ever seen.

"Good morning, love," he called, loud enough to wake him.

At the sound, Fenris stirred from his slumber. He’d had an excellent night’s rest in this amazing, comfy bed. No memories still, but a part of him thought he could get used to this life of luxury. The icing on the cake was the smell of breakfast and the tray filled with food. He smiled when Danarius walked over to him, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes.

“For me?” he asked.

"Of course, my love," he said easily, laying the tray on his lap. "I've prepared some coffee for you as well. I'll be right back."

He kissed him on the forehead before he quickly turned away to go and fetch the coffee.

He didn’t know what he did to deserve someone as kind as Danarius, but Fenris certainly wasn’t complaining. Looking back down at the food, he began to dig into breakfast and groaned at the taste. This was the best tasting breakfast he’d ever had. Well, probably.

Danarius returned swiftly with a mug of coffee, setting it on the side table for Fenris as he climbed back into the bed with a mug of coffee of his own, taking a long sip.

"Good?" he asked evenly, looking towards the man in bed beside him.

“Yes, very, thank you,” Fenris said, a wide and slightly childish smile on his face as he spoke with a mouthful of food. Realising his manners, he quickly shut his mouth and blushed, looking down at the food. Once he swallowed it down, he cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

"You're forgiven," Danarius assured him, a little smirk forming on his lips. He was absolutely adorable. He found it difficult to fight the nagging thoughts that screamed at him to push this man's breakfast away from him so he could take him where he lay in this bed. However, he knew he had to be patient if he wished to reap the rewards for his labour. "How did you sleep?"

“Good. Really good. Much better than being in that hospital bed,” Fenris nodded. He shifted slightly where he sat as he ate more of his breakfast. “Did you… do this often? Breakfast in bed?”

"Of course, especially if you've had a rough day. I find it's one of the best ways to lift your spirits," he explained with a smile. "I think that yesterday would apply. And it's great a pleasure to spoil you."

The romantic gestures were extremely foreign to him, more so than everything else. It was a shame, considering it was one of the things he would hope to remember, being as pleasant as they were. But every compliment, every romantic action, made him feel all… strange inside. Like butterflies fluttering around in his stomach.

“I could… probably get used to this,” he said lightly, chuckling a little.

"It makes me happy to hear you say that," he said softly. "I had hoped you would begin to see me again in the way you did before, to attempt to make things as normal as possible given the circumstances. When I received the phone call and the doctor informed me that you likely wouldn't make it through, I felt so... hopeless. To have you here with me, alive and well, even without your memory is a tremendous relief."

“It feels… nice to hear someone say that. I do have one question though, if you… don’t mind,” Fenris said, finishing off the last bit of breakfast and reaching for the cup of coffee that had been left on the side next to him.

"Of course, ask anything you like," he replied, wondering what Fenris could possibly ask but he was definitely prepared to answer.

“Um… my family. I must have family, everyone has family. You haven’t mentioned them. They never came to see me at the hospital. Are they… alive? Do they… Do you know anything?” Fenris asked, wrapping his fingers around the coffee mug.

"Your parents are dead, they have been for as long as I've known you," he said. "You had a sister, but you barely know her as she barely knows you. You're many years apart. She likely didn't even know about the accident," he said.

“My sister, should she… not be told? I have little memories as it is, maybe she could jog something. I didn’t know her well, but we must’ve grown up together for a time,” Fenris suggested. He paused, leaning back against the pillows of the bed. “I didn’t mean to get ahead of myself. You are the doctor, you probably know best.”

"I know how desperate you are to receive your memories, little wolf, but I promise that seeing your sister will not help, if anything, it would make you feel worse," he said, running his hands over Fenris's head soothingly. "We are each other’s family. It's how it has been since we've met."

At the touch, Fenris sighed and leaned into it. It _did_ feel nice. “I… will take your word for it. You have been nothing but kind and accommodating to me. I hope I can get my memories back if only to remember everything else you’ve done for me.”

"You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear you say that, love," Danarius sighed, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. "Now, I must get dressed for work. I had attempted to take the day off so that I might spend it with you, but it seems no one there can run the hospital without me."

“What do… What do I usually do here?” Fenris asked. His fingers idly ran over his cheek where he had been kissed, the other still holding tightly onto his coffee mug. He wondered who the old Fenris was, the person he had forgotten. It was like an entirely different person he didn’t know yet.

"You would find different ways to keep busy, cooking, cleaning, laundry, things like that," Danarius said with a shrug. "When none of that needed to be done I would find you exercising. You were extremely passionate about going jogging in the morning or doing yoga when it was too cold or rainy to run. You said it gave you a sense of peace."

“Oh, I see. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try some of those things,” Fenris said.

He took a big gulp of coffee and smiled a little. The drinks tasted just as good as the food. He had a whole day set out of trying things that might trigger his memories.

"I agree, and if something happens, do not hesitate to call me," Danarius cooed. "We have a home phone, and I'll leave my phone number on the table just in case."

Fenris nodded, watching him get out of bed. It was a shame they couldn’t spend the day together, there was still so much he wanted to know about, well, himself. “Um. Have a good day at work.”

"Thank you, I'll do my best," Danarius gave him a polite smile as he pulled off his robes and began to dress himself for work, seeming not bothered at all about changing around the other man as he buttoned up his work shirt with practiced hands. "I hope you are alright here on your own. I shall be back before dark."

And with that, he was gone.

 

As it turned out, Danarius had to work a lot. It wasn’t like Fenris minded particularly, he understood that he had an important job, but he ached for company. He was the key to his memories, he just knew it. In the meantime, he began trying out and getting the used to the things Danarius had said he used to do. It came like second nature. Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, even the jogging and yoga came with ease. He was surprised at his own stamina and flexibility. Perhaps things were adding up after all. Muscle memory or… something like that. Either way, his body seemed to be used to these activities even if his mind wasn’t.

One day, when Danarius returned home from work, he had planned to make up for the time with Fenris that he had lost because of his job. He opened the door with his shoulder, hands hidden behind his back as he looked around the living room for his little wolf, wondering where he could have gone now.

"Fenris? I'm home," he called out.

Yoga had been one of the most enjoyable activities. It was just so… freeing. Fenris had been spending a little extra time practicing some poses later at night when he heard Danarius enter. At the sound of his voice, he hurried to greet him, barefoot and in the tight-fitting but elasticated sportswear that had been left for him in his drawers.

“You’re home,” he said with a smile.

Danarius couldn't help but smile when he saw what Fenris was wearing. He had to repress the need to comment on it, instead pulling out the bouquet of roses from behind his back and the small box of chocolates that accompanied it.

"I brought you something," he chirped. "I felt guilty for working so much, and not spending enough time with you. You need me here now more than ever, and I've neglected you. I hope you can forgive me."

“Oh, you didn’t need to do this,” Fenris said, voice softening as he walked over and looked at the flowers and chocolate. This was textbook romance and he felt those butterflies in his stomach again, the same ones he got every time Danarius said something nice about him or kissed him on the cheek.

"Of course I needed to do this, you're my fiancé, I love you, and you deserve better than what I've given you so far," Danarius said softly, smiling and holding the gifts out to him. "And, I.... should note that you look marvellous right now. Which only worsens my guilt."

“T-Thank you. You are definitely forgiven,” Fenris said, a tinge of pink to his cheeks. He studied the flowers and chocolates. There was a vase in the kitchen, he could definitely put the roses there. He looked back up to Danarius and licked his lips idly. Every part of him knew he should thank him somehow but… working up the courage to do it was difficult. While he knew he wasn’t some bumbling teenager who’d never been in a relationship, it sure felt like he was sometimes.

Danarius met his eyes, staring into them openly for a moment. If any moment were the right one for this, it was now. He cupped Fenris's face in one of his hands and leaned in, kissing his lips.

Fenris was overcome with brief shock but was surprised at how quickly he eased into it. He was glad he was holding the gifts else he didn’t think he’d know what to do with his hands. His eyes closed, and he remained receptive to the kiss, though letting Danarius do the work.

Danarius pulled away after a moment, sighing happily with a fond look on his face as he regarded Fenris. He was going to deeply enjoy this, he already knew it.

"I'll take the day off tomorrow, I don't care what my employees say about it," he decided, brushing his cheek with his thumb. "I want to spend the day with you."

“I’d like that,” Fenris whispered. His heart pounded in his chest and he could only hope that maybe it had something to do with the memories he’d lost, that like the muscle memory of the yoga, his body knew about the feelings he held for his fiancé.

Danarius kissed him again, briefly on the lips, before they parted as Danarius took the duty of preparing dinner for them.

 

The next few months carried on a lot more smoothly after Danarius spent the day with Fenris. It was a rare occurrence since then but now they gave one another good morning, good bye, and good night kisses. It was a big step in the right direction, and as the day of their wedding drew closer, Danarius believed everything was going perfectly. It couldn't be going better.

The wedding was small, private. Only the two of them and a priest who served as their witness. Danarius didn't hesitate to remind Fenris how wonderful he looked in his nice white suit, and as they retired from the court house to head back home, Danarius had more in mind than just leftover wedding cake and wine.

As they walked in the door, Danarius kicked off his shoes and wrapped an arm snuggly around the other man's waist, pulling him in for a kiss without warning, not even bothering to close the door behind them.

Fenris jumped a little at the sudden kiss but didn’t hesitate to return it. The kiss was more forceful than any of the gentler greeting kisses he was used to, but he made no complaints. They’d just got married after all. The last few months had been a dream, so much so that he wasn’t sure he’d even mind if he never got his memories from before the accident back. He remained in a state of love bliss and knew that he’d probably do anything Danarius asked him to. Anything for everything he’d done for him.

As they pulled apart from the kiss to breathe, Danarius lingered close, their noses brushing against one another as he said the next words, not even hesitating to look for some good rationale behind them, "I want to have you, little wolf."

His hands had travelled down to his sides, pulling their bodies closer just in case his words had not left a clear enough message.

“Okay,” Fenris agreed immediately, voice breathless from the kiss. It was obvious what he meant. There was no denying that he was nervous, like a teenage virgin, but he knew that he and Danarius must’ve… done something like this when they were together, before the accident.

That quickly? Danarius was admittedly a little puzzled. He hadn't expected Fenris to be so... _plaint,_ but Maker strike him down if he was going to complain. He grinned and kissed him once again, wrapping his long, slender arms around the shorter man's body, pressing his shoulders up against the wall as he kissed him.

It would all go smoothly if he just let Danarius take the lead, Fenris thought. He had been nothing but gentle and kind to him, there was no reason for him to assume that things would change now.

They kissed up against the wall until Danarius felt himself growing restless. He grabbed Fenris by the wrist a little more harshly than necessary dragging him after him to the bedroom where he locked the door behind him and kicked off his shoes, discarding his tie and his belt on the floor with them.

Before Fenris knew it, they were both stripped completely of clothing and Danarius was on top of him in the bed. He'd prepared him before hand with oil and his fingers, but nothing could have prepared him for his entrance. It was painful, extremely painful, but for Danarius it was like he'd been born all over again, that he'd realized what he was _truly_ meant to live for, and it was this.

Deep down, Fenris knew he should’ve asked him to stop, told him that it hurt. Yet, he just… let him take as he pleased. Everything about it felt bad, felt wrong. He did nothing to stop it. Was this… how things were supposed to be? Was it meant to hurt? Did people just… do it because they loved each other? Did he do this all the time before the accident?

Danarius took his fill for the night, more than once. Even as he turned his back on him in the bed and turned all the lights out, Fenris lay awake under the sheets, staring up at the dark ceiling. His body felt… oddly numb. Little did he know, things would only get worse from here on out.

 

They had been married for about a year when Danarius brought up the tattoos. It was a day where he'd had the day off of work and he spent it sitting beside Fenris on the couch, reading on his tablet when he nudged Fenris to get his attention, rubbing his shoulder gently.

"Love, look at this," he murmured, holding out the tablet to show him an array of pictures. "Aren't these beautiful? The artist is a friend of mine, he does fantastic work, doesn't he?"

“They are… very pretty. Are they supposed to be flower vines?” Fenris asked, peering over and tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. He’d been growing it out ever since he’d had it shaved.

"Yes, they are, you're so clever, my love," Danarius cooed, scrolling through the pictures as he spoke. "Don't you think you'd look beautiful with tattoos like that? The silver ink would look marvellous on your skin."

“Tattoos? On me?” Fenris blinked wildly and turned to look away from the screen and at Danarius. He’d heard that getting tattoos hurt a lot, he wasn’t sure how to feel about all this.

"Of course, I think it would be a sentimental gesture, far more so than just a silly diamond ring," he purred, meeting his eyes evenly. "A tattoo is forever, as is marriage. It is symbolic."

“What… What were you thinking? On my arm or… something? Will it hurt?” Fenris continued to question. He didn’t want to let Danarius down, especially if he thought it would look nice and mean something.

“Everywhere, from your neck down to your ankles,” Danarius said seriously. “It will hurt, but it will be worth it in the end, I believe. Are you afraid, little wolf?”

He watched his face without expression.

“A…A little. I have never gotten a tattoo before. But if you… if you want me to get them then…” Fenris’s words trailed off but he hoped that Danarius caught his message. If Danarius would find him more attractive, liked him more, then he’d do anything.

“I do want you to get them. Very badly, Fenris. The vines represent how much of you belongs to me. That’s why you must get all of them,” Danarius assured him, wrapping and arm around his shoulders and squeezing. “You’ll look so lovely with them. I promise I’ll be there with you every step of the way, love.”

“You will be with me?” Fenris’s hopeful voice asked. Maybe he could handle it if he had someone’s hand to hold through the pain. Plus, he knew Danarius would only love him more if he got them, right?

“Of course I will, little wolf, through every moment,” he said with a firm nod, rubbing his shoulder absently as he spoke, enjoying the way his husband relaxed under his touch in a conditioned matter.

“If it makes you happy then of course. I want you to be with me, that’s all,” Fenris replied. He thought nothing of the gravity of his words. Whether he wanted the tattoos or not didn’t matter, just like so many other things. If Danarius wanted it, he’d get it.

“Then I will be by your side, holding your hand through the entire thing. No matter how long it takes,” he lifted Fenris’s hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles and his fingertips appreciatively. “I love you very much, little wolf. You know that, right?”

“Yes of course. And I you,” Fenris said, meeting his gaze. There wasn’t a thing in the world he wouldn’t do if Danarius told him to do it.

When the day came for the tattoos to be done, Danarius was thrilled beyond measure. His lover had been dressed only in a robe as he entered the white, sterilized room. One he had to remove as he laid down on the padded chair, laid flat like the surface of a table. Danarius watched with a glimmer to his eyes as the process began, sitting in a chair beside his husband, loosely holding his hand.

It was a long process, a long and painful one. Fenris was glad whenever he had a moment to breathe and the pain dulled, thankful for the relief when the tattoo artist worked on his arms as opposed to the ones on his neck. He whimpered, biting back as many cries of pain as he could and squeezed Danarius’s hand tightly. This was for him, he reminded himself, it was worth it for that.

When the process was finished, Danarius could not have been more pleased. He looked over his husband, running his fingers over the fresh wounds and smiling wider than he’d ever smiled before. He almost didn’t want to allow Fenris to put the robes back on. He wanted the world to see what a beautiful husband he had created, what a _trophy_ he had to call his own.

“You look perfect,” he said softly as he admired him. “Absolutely perfect.”

Fenris reached up to rub away the tears that had begun to form, ignoring the soreness of his hands and how the tattoos ached when Danarius touched them. His eyes twinkled at the praise, a smile forming on his lips. He let Danarius guide him over to the floor-length mirror so he could see the work that had been done. The white ink tattoos stood out against his dark skin and matched his bone white hair that had turned from the shock and stress ever since the accident.

“Don’t you see how marvellous you look?” Danarius cooed, roving his hands over him as he observed himself in the mirror, inhaling the scent of him at the junction of his neck and shoulder. “Everyone will be envious of you now. They will wish they could be as beautiful as you.”

“I will take your word for it,” Fenris said meekly. The skin around the tattoos was red and raw, Fenris knew he’d have to take care of them for a while and they would hurt even though the process of getting them was done. “Thank you for this gift. I… am glad it pleases you.”

“You’re very welcome, little wolf,” he hummed, kissing his cheek. “I should get you some of the cupcakes that you like since you’ve been so good for me today. Would you like that, my love?”

He wrapped his robe around his shoulders gently, tying the sash around his waist.

Fenris nodded, taking the robe into his own hands and sighing at the soft material. The idea of cupcakes did sound pretty good right now, especially to distract him from the soreness of his body. “Yes. Please.”

“Your wish is my command, love,” he cooed, wrapping his arm around his waist and walking out of the building with him close by his side the entire way. More than anything, he couldn’t wait to get him home.

Ever since that day, Danarius made a habit of showing Fenris off to whoever he could. He didn’t mind particularly, in a way it felt good to be admired, to know that Danarius loved the way he looked. Perhaps he was little more than a fancy trophy to show off, but he didn’t think of it like that.


	2. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris meets Isabela at a party and the seeds of doubt that make him consider a way of getting back at Danarius are planted by her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and heres chapter 2! we can say the prologue is officially done now and things have been sent into motion!
> 
> thank you for reading, hope you all enjoy! :D

Being as wealthy as he was, Danarius attended social gatherings from time to time. People would mingle, drink, and form business deals. Many wealthy people brought along their husbands and wives too of course, though it was a vital piece of social etiquette that the partners of these wealthy people were to stay out of business. Danarius took Fenris along to these parties often. Fenris enjoyed the good food and drinks there. He certainly attracted attention with the tattoos, something that only gave Danarius an opportunity to show him off as he liked to do.

So, he remained a quiet side-piece. He stayed by Danarius’s side most of the time but was allowed sometimes an hour or two to mingle with the other partners of the wealthy people while they talked business. Other than that, he never spoke to anyone without Danarius’s permission.

In the distance, on the other side of the room there was a woman who stood out to him. She was hard to miss with her array of dangling golden jewellery that shimmered in the light, her jet-black hair that cascaded all the way down to the small of her back and that wonderful hour glass figure that put the rest of the women at the party to shame. She caught Fenris’s eye from where she stood, a glass of wine held to her lips, and something about him must have piqued her interest because she was headed his way.

“I was hoping I’d have the chance to catch you alone,” she cooed, roving her eyes over him. “Your husband watches you like a hawk, I never thought you’d get away.”

“He looks out for me. These… social events are not… _my thing_ ,” Fenris replied to her, looking her over. She was easily the most beautiful woman at this party and he couldn’t help but wonder why she wanted to come over and talk to him.

“I can see that,” she chuckled. “How old are you, precious? With these squishy cheeks of yours I’d believe it if someone told me that your manhood hadn’t dropped yet.”

She seemed very amused by her own joke, having no shame in touching his cheeks to punctuate her statement, giving them a little pinch.

Fenris blinked wildly, jumping a little at the touch. This woman was very strange indeed. It had been five, almost six years since the fated day he’d woken up in that hospital bed after his accident. He couldn’t imagine where he’d be now if he hadn’t had Danarius to look after him.

“I’m thirty, actually,” he said seriously.

“You’re _thirty_? God, I’d love to know what your routine is because you look absolutely stunning,” she gasped, her eyes widening in shock and awe as she looked him over. “I’m sorry for being so presumptuous. There are plenty of men here who marry 18-year olds and bring them to these parties. I thought you might be one. I’m incredibly jealous, I have to say.”

“No offence taken. My husband always says I look good for my age,” Fenris said with an air of pride. He never complimented much else other than his looks, but he hardly noticed. “I… forgive me but who are you?”

“My name is Isabela, and who are you, handsome?” she asked with a smirk, taking another sip of her wine as she looked up at him from under her cocked brow.

“Fenris,” he replied. He looked her over briefly and wondered who her partner was.

Isabela seemed… rather open and devious. She wasn’t like most the meek, quiet women that wandered around. They were just as covered in expensive clothes, makeup, and jewellery, but none of them had Isabela’s charm.

“And you’re married to _Danarius_ aren’t you?” she asked with a tone of interest. “Tell me what he’s like, he seems to be a very interesting figure. Much older than you are as well. I imagine that’s such a _drag_.”

“It doesn’t bother me, I never think about the age difference,” Fenris said, shuffling slightly on his feet. “He is… busy with work often, but it’s fine. I am happy at home.”

“Are you?” Isabela raised an eyebrow at him once again, though this time seemingly out of concern rather than curiosity. “I’ve never met someone here who was genuinely happy in their marriage. There has to be something you don’t like about the guy. My husband tries to make me follow all of these ridiculous rules. ‘Don’t go anywhere without my permission,’ he said. ‘Don’t drink wine after sunset,’ he said.”

She rolled her eyes and drank more wine.

Fenris shook his head. He could hardly believe how disrespectful Isabela was towards her husband. Didn’t she care for him at all? “It matters not. I care for him and would not disgrace his name like that to other people. I would be nowhere without him.”

“Sweetheart, you’ve been brainwashed,” she laughed heartily. “What has your husband done to deserve your respect? Does he rub your feet for you after he comes home from work? Does he make sweet, pleasurable love to you under candle light? Or does he scold you when you forget to clean the bathroom sink? Does he only pay attention to you when he wants you in his bed or he wants you to make him food?”

At her words, Fenris swallowed roughly and shifted uncomfortably. How could she possibly know such things? Danarius was a busy man, he shouldn’t spend all day working away to provide for him only to come home and cater to his needs. It was perfectly normal for him to give him what he wanted. His own desires didn’t matter and understandably, if things weren’t right, he had every obligation to scold him.

“He loves me,” is all he ended up saying.

“Does he? Does he really?” she prompted, swirling her glass of wine absently as she spoke. “I feel sorry for you. I do. There’s nothing worse than letting yourself be trapped in the prison that they make for you.” She took another sip and turned away from him, looking out amongst the crowd. “It seems that there’s someone who’s more interested in you right now than I am, I’ll leave you to him. It was good to meet you, Fenris.”

She swished her hips as she walked away, chugging the last of her wine and tossing the glass off to the side, letting it shatter on the carpet without a care.

Small seeds of doubt had been planted in his mind. Fenris couldn’t help but wonder if there was any truth to her words. His first instinct was to reject everything she’d just said but… she seemed to understand. He shook his head, trying to will the thoughts away. It felt like an offense to Danarius to even think this way.

An older man approached Fenris, dressed in a nice silver tuxedo, blond hair combed back with a little too much gel, making his hair look like plastic. He wasn’t as old as Danarius, but he had some grey in his temples, and some crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes. He let his eyes wander over Fenris’s body, following the lines of his tattoos with a growing smirk on his lips.

“My, oh my, aren’t you a beauty,” he hummed, taking his chin in his hands and holding his eyes up towards the light. “Aren’t you Danarius’s little prize? I understand now why he cherishes you so. You’re marvellous.”

“Um. Thank you. Danarius is my husband, yes,” Fenris said slowly. He kept his hands stubbornly by his sides even as the stranger touched his face and looked him over. It was a compliment, that’s what Danarius always said when people admired him, and he should take compliments with pride. Besides, this man was clearly not someone’s side-piece. If he was one of Danarius’s business associates, he couldn’t ruin anything by being rude. He’d just have to take the unwelcome touching on the chin.

Danarius had just finished a meeting when he saw Fenris in the presence of this other man. He didn’t hesitate to approach, wrapping an arm around his husband and rubbing small circles in his side with his thumb.

“Ah! Dr. Matthias, you’ve met my husband, I see,” he hummed. “He’s a treasure, isn’t he?”

“He is, Doctor, I have to say my wife does not at all measure up,” he chuckled. “Would you be interested in sharing him? Only for the night, of course.”

Fenris turned to look at Danarius, happily saddling up against his side and away from the man he called Dr. Matthias. Share him? He wasn’t an object to be passed around. Now, he’d just wait for Danarius to laugh and refuse him. After all, he loved him and admired him, wanted to keep him all to himself.

“I don’t see a harm in that. Though I do believe it will give you all the more reason to be envious of me,” Danarius said with a smirk, earning a laugh from Doctor Matthias.

“Of that I have no doubt,” he replied between his laughter, grin growing ever wider.

A smugness was about to come over Fenris until it dawned on him what Danarius had said. Did he just… _agree_ to hand him over to this man to be used? He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and he looked to Danarius with a panicked expression. There was no way. He didn’t want to be touched like that by this… this stranger.

“Danarius, I… I don’t understand,” he said in a hushed whisper.

Danarius gave him a harsh look, narrowing his eyes at him.

“What isn’t there to understand, love? You’ll be spending the night with Doctor Matthias,” he said firmly, gesturing to the man who stood at their side with this look of pride on his face. “When he’s finished, I’ll be here to fetch you.”

“But I… I love you. Why would you want someone else to…to…” Fenris stammered, putting a careful hand on Danarius’s arm, his bottom lip trembling slightly. Was this some kind of joke? When was the punchline coming? Soon, he hoped.

“I apologize, Dr. Matthias, but I must speak to my husband outside for a moment,” Danarius spoke up, looking towards the other man who nodded politely. Danarius squeezed Fenris’s arm with an aggressive harshness, dragging him out of the ballroom and into the dark lawn out front, a large variety of sports cars littered across the drive way.

Danarius backed Fenris against the wall, turning towards him with pure rage flaring in his eyes.

“Do not question my authority in front of my betters,” he snapped. “Dr. Matthias is the best neurosurgeon in all of Thedas. He is hosting this event. If he wants to sleep with you, and I tell you to sleep with him, you will not question me. You have humiliated me in front of him, Fenris.”

“I-I just don’t understand. I thought you loved me. I… I… don’t want to sleep with him, only you,” Fenris pleaded. He already felt weak at the knees at the aggressive tone. There weren’t many things worse than when Danarius was angry at him.

Danarius huffed in frustration, the anger not leaving his expression as he raised his hand and struck Fenris across the cheek.

“Life is not about what we want, little wolf,” he barked. “It’s about doing what you have to do to succeed. If I can impress Dr. Matthias, he’ll come to work in Kirkwall, and it will bring an exponential rise in profit for the hospital. You will sleep with him. And that will be the end of it.”

After the hit, Fenris cupped his affected cheek and trembled, his eyes wide. Danarius had… hit him. His gaze slowly shifted down at the floor, head bowed. After everything he’d done for him, this was how he was repaid.

“…I understand,” he said meekly.

“Good,” he growled, straightening up. “Now go back in the party, follow Dr. Matthias and do whatever he tells you until he decides he’s done with you. Is that understood?”

“Yes. I am… sorry for my insolence,” Fenris nodded. He let his hand slip away from his cheek and he turned, walking back into the party. If he didn’t do a good job of this, then it would all be for nothing. He didn’t have any other choice, after all.

Isabela had seen Fenris enter the party once more, and she was tempted to approach him, but she decided against it, only watching from a distance as Fenris approached Dr. Matthias who was sitting in a chair and waiting patiently for him. He smiled at him and straightened up slightly.

“Ah, he returns,” he said warmly. “Will you be joining me in my chambers, beautiful?”

“Ah, yes. You must forgive my earlier behaviour, I meant no disrespect doctor, I… am just a little unaccustomed to these sorts of arrangements,” Fenris said, trying his best to smile at him even though it was clear that he was shaky.

“You have no reason to be fearful. I assure you that you’re in good hands,” Matthias rose from his chair and wrapped his arm around the shorter man’s waist. “I promise you’ll enjoy yourself far more than you think you will.”

And, with that, the two disappeared down the hall, and into the doctor’s master bedroom. The door locked behind him.

As he lay in the wet spot of the bed, Fenris stared up at the ceiling, hands folded over his stomach. Dr. Matthias rested beside him, seemingly content. He’d had far worse sexual experiences before, Fenris thought, but even so he felt… dirty. Wrong.

“You’re free to go, gorgeous,” Dr. Matthias mumbled, brushing some of the hair out of his face and smiling tiredly. “I’m sure your husband is waiting for you.”

Just like many times before, the experience left Fenris feeling numb. Dr. Matthias’s voice snapped him out of his daze and he nodded.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. He pushed himself out of bed and grabbed his abandoned clothes, dressing himself as quickly as he could and nodding to Dr. Matthias politely before leaving the room. Now, he just had to find Danarius.

Danarius was making polite conversation with a dark-skinned man with a notable accent, the woman from before, Isabela, hanging off of his side. He looked up when he saw Fenris approach and he smiled.

“Ah. Fenris! I have a friend I would like you to meet,” he cooed. “This is Dr. Luis, and his dear wife Isabela. Friends, this is Fenris.”

“Hello. It is good to meet you,” Fenris said with a bow. He’d tried his best to make himself look presentable, but it felt as if everyone could tell what a mess he was. Truly, he was barely keeping himself together.

“I’ve already met Fenris, dear,” Isabela chirped with a big, warm smile. “We had a nice chat during the meeting.”

“I see,” Danarius nodded, flicking his gaze between them. “It’s very good to hear that my friends are getting along.”

Luis had stiffened when he heard Isabela say that, glaring down at her as she only smiled wider.

“You should give me your number, sweet, I’d love to take you out for brunch some time,” she hummed, running her hand over her husband’s chest.

“I’m sorry I don’t… have a phone,” Fenris replied. His gaze flickered over to Danarius, wondering what he was thinking. If he had any complaints to voice about this situation, they certainly weren’t cropping up right this moment.

“Give me your phone number, I see no harm in the two of you remaining in contact,” Danarius hummed. He should at least reward Fenris for everything he’d done tonight, despite him acting out.

Isabela smiled, handing the paper to Danarius. “Wonderful. I’m excited to hear from you, hun.”

Fenris put on his best smile and nodded. It might be nice to have a friend. No doubt they were going to be monitored if it was arranged by their husbands, but it would pleasant regardless. He rarely got the opportunity to talk to anyone else.

That night when they left, Danarius lead Fenris to the car, and they were both rather silent during the drive home until Danarius finally spoke.

“I will get you a phone tomorrow,” he said. “It will be good for you to have a friend.”

“Thank you,” Fenris said, staring out the car window. He was looking forward to it, but he knew he’d have to be careful about what was said. Danarius would no doubt find a way to check up on what he was texting about.

 

Danarius kept his promise, giving Fenris a phone of his own that following day. He monitored his activities rather closely and made no secret about it. One day, Isabela told Fenris to come and have coffee with her one morning after her husband had gone to work. It wasn’t far from where Fenris lived, so he could walk there easily.

Fenris wasn’t sure what the etiquette was for something like this. Regardless, he walked into the café where Isabela had told him to meet her in a t-shirt, jacket, and pair of skinny jeans. Isabela wasn’t hard to spot, and she beckoned him over as soon as she caught sight of him. He approached the booth she was sat at and took a seat across from her.

Isabela grinned at him, looking him over openly as he sat down.

“Hello there, sweetheart,” she cooed. “You look handsome. I love those jeans on you.”

She took a long sip of her coffee, getting some whip cream on her lip, which she licked away.

“Oh, thank you,” Fenris said. It wasn’t often women who complimented him, but he couldn’t say he didn’t appreciate it. He smiled politely at her, leaning his hands on the table.

“Can I get you some coffee, babe? What kind do you like?” she asked, swirling her straw around in her drink. “I can have that handsome gentlemen over there fetch some for us. Some Danishes too.”

“Um, yeah. Caramel Macchiato with… with cream. I have a bit of a sweet tooth,” Fenris laughed a little nervously. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act. His gaze shifted over to the ‘handsome gentleman’ that Isabela was referring to.

The man didn’t really fit in with the other workers at the coffee shop, and he wasn’t wearing a uniform despite the fact that he was serving customers and cleaning up dishes. Isabela raised her hand to wave him over but instead one of the serving girls came. She frowned a little but ordered the coffee for Fenris nonetheless. As the girl walked off, she stared after the man, openly roving her eyes over him, staring at his ass.

“What a shame,” she sighed. “I’d love to get my hands on his.... his phone number.”

She smirked and looked back down at her drink.

Fenris understood what she meant. The man was undoubtedly handsome, tall and broad. He couldn’t help but think that he wouldn’t mind touching him. Then, he quickly snapped out of it and turned back to Isabela.

“Does your husband let you… openly flirt like that with men?” he asked.

“Are you joking? Absolutely not. But I don’t give a damn what my husband doesn’t ‘let’ me do,” she scoffed. “I’m not his pet. I’m my own woman. I’ll sleep with and flirt with whoever I please. And I never wear my wedding ring in public. You never know what kind of opportunities could pass you by."

“Don’t you worry that he’ll find out? What he’d do if he did?” Fenris asked. Even though Danarius had given him the phone that allowed him to stay in touch with Isabela, that he said he could have a friend, he still worried about doing something wrong.

“He already has suspicions,” she said with a shrug. “He’d probably hit me, but no more than he already does. I’m not his ideal wife. I’m not respectful and obedient, I’m not his slave. He wants to be able to own me, and I’ll let him think that he does, but no one is ever going to own me.”

Fenris looked down at the table. He’d never met anyone like Isabela, he could hardly believe that she would defy her husband like that, especially when she knew the punishment she would get if he ever found out what she was up to.

“You probably haven’t ever done anything to defy Danarius, have you?” she asked, looking up at Fenris as the server returned with his caramel coffee. “Haven’t you ever wished you could just.... put salt in his socks or bake his cakes with laxative? Just do something to piss him off and he doesn’t even know it was you who did it?”

“I never thought about it. I thought… I would do anything for him, there was no reason to want to make him angry. I hadn’t considered ever defying him until… recently,” Fenris said. He wrapped his hands around the coffee he’d been given and sighed.

“Oh? So you have considered defying him?” Isabela asked, raising an eyebrow. “What happened?”

At that, Fenris paused. He wasn’t sure whether he should be telling Isabela this, still ever conscious of being caught. Danarius certainly wouldn’t approve if he went around telling people of his actions. But he supposed if he could trust anyone, it would be Isabela.

“The event that we met. Danarius had me…” he spoke in a hushed tone and took a deep breath, calming his nerves. “Sleep with one of the neurosurgeons, Dr. Matthias. He’s never asked me to do anything like that before. I never thought he would… I was honest when I told you that I believed that he loved me, whole-heartedly. I was confused, and I made the mistake of telling him no, that I didn’t want to. He took me outside, hit me, told me I had to. I didn’t know what else to do so… I just did what he said.”

“That was your first mistake, sweet,” she said with a sigh, reaching out to take his hand in her own. “These men, these doctors we’re married to, none of them truly love us. We’re just possessions to them. If we go through our lives believing that they _do_ love us, we’ll either go crazy or be consistently heartbroken. Like you were, I’m sure, when he hit you.”

“Yeah,” Fenris nodded, squeezing her hand lightly. It did feel good to get it off his chest, to tell someone about it. “I felt… awful, afterwards. Wrong. I hated it, I don’t know what I’d do if he asked me to do it again, with someone else.”

“He will ask you to do it with someone else. There’s no doubt about that. You just have to get your vengeance,” she said firmly. “How good do you think it would feel to see Danarius’s hair fall out because you poured some kitchen cleaners into his shampoo? After he forced you to sleep with some stranger, after he hit you for trying to say no? Wouldn’t you love to just make sweet love to another person, in his house, in his bed, where he’s forced so many things upon you that you probably didn’t want? Think about it, Fenris.”

“Are you… suggesting I cheat on him?” Fenris asked, leaning forward across the table to talk in a slightly more hushed tone again. It was something he would’ve never considered. The way Isabela spoke of it, it sounded so… romantic.

“Of course. I’ve never had any good sex with my husband,” she laughed, sipping from her coffee again and sighing. “If you want to feel better, if you want to get back at Danarius for everything he’s done to you, then do it. Obviously, that’s just one thing you can do but I must say it is one of my favourites.”

Fenris hummed as if mulling it over. He took the first sip from his own coffee and relished in the sweet taste. Then he looked up to meet Isabela’s gaze for the first time. “Could you… tell me a bit about some of your exploits?”

“Hmm, of course, I love to brag,” she chuckled lightly, leaning forward with her elbows on the table. “Once, there was a man I met when I was jogging who could do things with his tongue that you would not believe. That one had me seeing stars. Then there was a girl with the most beautiful ginger hair who had these piercings on her nipples that were extremely sensitive to the touch, in a very good way. Also, there was the man from Rivaini with this accent that gave me chills. He was one of the only people I went back to fuck a second time.”

“I could… I could never imagine,” Fenris replied, listening intently to her stories.

The way she talked about sex, it was beyond him. Sex with Danarius was… dull, to say the least, sometimes painful. It was rare he’d come out of it with an orgasm. But this? Everything Isabela was saying? It sounded like a dream, something straight from a saucy romance novel.

“Is Danarius the only person you’ve ever had sex with?” she asked with a curious expression. This guy acted like he didn’t know what pleasurable sex even was.

“Aside from Dr. Matthias? Yes. At least… from what I remember, yes,” Fenris nodded. Truthfully, he didn’t know if he’d had sex with anyone before Danarius. It seemed unlikely that he had been a 23-year-old virgin when he met Danarius, but he supposed there was a chance.

“Oh no, that just won’t do,” she shook her head and sighed. “You need to branch out, and soon. Once you do, then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Sex is... beautiful in all sorts of ways. What you have with Danarius? What I have with Luis? That is not real sex. You’re supposed to enjoy real sex.” She laughed. “I mean, imagine that. Our husbands caring about what we enjoy.”

It _did_ sound appealing, Fenris couldn’t deny that. Even if it was just one night where he could feel good about himself, to be treated like that.

“How do you even…” he began after another sip of coffee. “You know. Find these people.”

“Oh, it’s easy. You just have to be looking, sweetheart,” she hummed. “See that cute girl over there, with the black hair? Watch and learn.”

She rose up from her table to go sit down at the table only a row away from their own, tucking her legs beneath the chair as she leaned over, smiling at the girl who looked immediately rather flustered. It only took several lines of clever flirting for the girl to be typing her number in Isabela’s phone just as she rushed out the door, blushing all the way up to her ears. Isabela couldn’t stop smiling as she sat back down with Fenris.

“People are very receptive of an attractive person, Fenris,” she said with this smug look on her face. “You just have to put yourself out there.”

“You make it look so easy,” Fenris commented, watching with awe as she returned to the booth. That girl had been putty in her hands the moment she smiled at her.

“Everyone wants to be told that they’re hot by a person who’s hot,” Isabela said with a laugh. “Especially a man. Men are extremely easy. Just a couple of touches on the arm, tell them how strong they look, and they’ll be putty in your hands.”

“Is that it?” Fenris asked. He was about to speak again but hesitated, a red blush creeping into his cheeks. His fingers traced the rim of his coffee cup as he cleared his throat and spoke in a lower tone. “Is that how you flirt?”

“Yep. Just compliment them, touch them a little bit on the arms or their hands and smile,” she chirped, drinking the final sip of her coffee. “You have to be confident, though, or else it doesn’t work.”

Fenris nodded, taking another big gulp of coffee. It sounded… easy enough. Perhaps he would try one day after all. His eyes flickered back over to the handsome man from earlier. Someone like that, maybe.

“Can I… perhaps, ask you a favour?” he said.

“Anything, sweetheart,” she cooed, leaning closer to him so that she could look him in the eyes, anticipating what he might ask of her.

“Would you be able to get your hands on a second phone for me? Danarius monitors the one he gave me, I couldn’t give that number to anyone I might be… interested in seeing. He’d get suspicious or worse,” Fenris asked.

“I understand. I keep a second phone myself,” she said with a hum. “I can do that for you. Just make sure he doesn’t find your second phone. Only use it when he’s not home and hide it some place he would never look. If you can do that, you’ll be just fine.”

“I-I’ll figure something out,” Fenris nodded. He reached out and took Isabela’s hand again, mirroring what she had done earlier. It seemed to be the way she liked to do things. “Thank you for this. I don’t know how I would’ve lived if I had… kept on the way I was, lying to myself.”

“It’s a pleasure, truly, just make sure you tell me everything about it,” she hummed, giving him a wink. “Live your life for the moment, Fenris. Don’t let Danarius be your keeper. You own yourself. Don’t forget that.”

It was a new way of thinking. No one had ever said anything like that to him before. All these years, he’d been cooped up in that house, believing Danarius loved him when truly he just… wanted him to believe that so he could own him. This betrayal was going to take courage, but he was willing to take the first step.

Isabela returned not long after that day with a phone for Fenris, identical to his current phone other than the colour. That way, if it were found, it could easily be confused for the original. She was in a hurry, so she left him behind with a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she disappeared in her car once again.

When he took the phone, Fenris noticed that Isabela had left her number in it. He smiled as he text her. After all, if she couldn’t stay to receive his thanks in person, he’d just leave it this way.

_“thx, this meens a lot :)”_


	3. Lemonade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris cheats on Danarius with the man from the gardening store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its sunday, therefore update day. this chapter is NSFW (as the chapter summary implies) and we've finally introduced our dear friend Hawke ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

Fenris’s relationship with Danarius had become slightly strained ever since the party. Danarius seemed to be more comfortable using violent methods to punish him for any slip-ups or mistakes. In return, Fenris had become more distant. Danarius suggested that he took up more hobbies, just to make sure he was spending his time _efficiently._

So, he assigned himself a project. The garden could be improved, some flowers planted. It would give him something to do and an excuse to go out to get things he needed. Danarius wouldn’t mind the expenses on his credit card. Fenris made his way to get some, keeping his eye out for anyone that might catch his eye as he browsed the store. He’d already put some things in his basket when he saw an employee walking the aisles. He recognised him, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Well, this was as good an opportunity to talk to someone as ever.

“Excuse me?” he said.

The man looked up as he was spoken to, turning to face Fenris, where he finally got a chance to drink in his features. A round face, framed with short dark brown hair and a neatly trimmed beard that only sharpened his jawline. He had a larger nose with a distinct scar over the bridge, cheeks lined with freckles and these darling amber eyes, like pools of fresh honey.

“Hello,” he greeted politely, smiling warmly at Fenris. “Something I can help you find, sir?”

Fenris faltered for a moment. He looked… vaguely like the guy from the café where he’d discussed his plan with Isabela. Maybe it was the same person, he’d only seen the guy at the café from afar. Regardless, he was… _incredibly_ attractive and so very tall.

“Uh, yes, I’m looking to start my own garden and um. I was hoping for some advice? I want to plant these flowers,” he began, gesturing to his basket. “But is there something I could put around the plots to… you know, protect them?”

“Well, I’d love to help. What are we protecting them from? Bugs? Pests? Frost?” He looked over his collection of flowers and then back up to his face, trying his best not to stare at him, especially those tattoos.

“Anything and everything that could affect them. I don’t want them to be damaged. Not by pests and… also not by anything I might put on them too,” Fenris said.

He laughed a little. Now he was in this situation, he felt nervous. Isabela had made it look so easy in the café but… how did one even get in a situation where you touched them and paid compliments?

“Well, if you follow me, we have weed mats this way,” the man said, leading Fenris down another aisle. “We have big ones for flower beds and smaller ones just for potted plants. You just need to cut a hole for your plant and then put the soil on top. For bugs, stay away from chemicals. I know I should try to tell you to buy this stuff, but it’ll kill your plants in just a couple of months. You’re better off making a bug repellent at home.”

“Do you… know how to make one?” Fenris asked curiously. He didn’t make a secret of the way he roved his eyes over him. It was hard to focus completely on his words when he was distracted by the way his lips moved. All this time, he’d avoided looking at other men for too long out of respect for his husband.

The man couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious as he was being gawked at, shifting a little on the balls of his feet and doing his best to keep eye contact.

“I do. But, here, let me write it down for you, just so you can have it when you head home,” he said, pulling a notebook out of his pocket and writing it down, then holding it out to him. “Here, just things you should have around the house. Save yourself some money.”

“Thank you,” Fenris said, taking the paper and looking it over. Well, there went his plan of using the mixture as an excuse to get his phone number. How did he know this guy even liked men? This plan wasn’t very well thought out.

“Of course, is there anything else I can help you with while we’re here?” the man asked politely. He really hoped this guy would either just walk away or give him some sort of signal that would tell him _why_ he was staring. He couldn’t tell if it was because he found him attractive or if it was because he was gawking at his size. He was a rather big man, so he did have people stare from time to time but that didn’t mean he liked it.

Fenris felt a brief flutter of panic. What did he do? He couldn’t let him slip through his fingers just yet. There had to be something he could say while he had the opportunity.

“Um. Well, is there… anything else you could tell me that’d help? I am… I am totally new to this. Any advice or tips?” he suggested.

“Well, I could, but in my experience it’s all sorta just hands on learning, you deal with problems as they come up,” the man said with a shrug, shoving his hands in his pockets. “If you like, I could give you my number and you could call me if something comes up. I’m usually the guy they send out for this sort of thing, be it planting trees or fixing problems with flowers. It’d be the best thing I could offer you.”

“Yes. Sounds… Sounds good,” Fenris nodded. He gave him another look over and then quickly fished his phone out of his pocket. The one Isabela had given him. He made sure to take off his wedding ring before he came out so he had little shame handing over the phone. “You can put your details in.”

The man took the phone and put his number in, putting his name as ‘Hawke the Flower Guy’ before he handed his phone back to him.

“There you go,” he hummed. “I work almost every day, but I can still at least talk you through an issue that comes up.”

“Hawke, is it?” Fenris said, looking over the name now in his phone. _The Flower Guy_. That was incredibly cute. He shifted on his feet and smiled a little. “My name is Fenris.”

“Yep, family name but it’s what I go by,” he said with a shrug. “Fenris, huh? Well, I wish you luck with your flowers, Fenris.”

It was a unique name, but he supposed it was a fitting name for a rather unique man.

“Thank you. I’m not sure how much physical labour all of what I want to achieve will take but… you seem like a capable man, I am sure you could… assist me if I needed it,” Fenris said nervously, punctuating his words with a little caress of Hawke’s arm. His heart hammered in his chest. This was what Isabela told him to do, even if he was lying. He was more than physically capable of the work, but… anything to let Hawke know that he was interested. As he felt a heat rising in his cheeks, he looked down into his basket. “I don’t mean to keep you from your work, I am sure you want to return to your shift. Thank you for all of your help. I… will be in touch.”

Hawke was genuinely surprised by the sudden flirtatious gesture, but he nodded, feeling himself blush a little bit at the implications.

“You’re... very welcome,” he said slowly, putting on a smile. “When you put it like that, I certainly hope that you do.”

With that, he turned away to head down another isle to go back to what he was doing before, praying that if there was a Maker that he hadn’t just flirted with someone who wasn’t actually trying to flirt with him at all. He didn’t even want to think it.

Fenris watched him walk away. So, he could assume that he was interested in men then, judging by the redness of his cheeks. A good sign. Isabela _did_ know her stuff. He collected a few more things from the store, including some heavy items and set up for planting trees. Once he paid for it, he headed home.

 

Within a few days, he’d already began work on the garden. Danarius had observed and approved, telling him to keep at it, obviously pleased with how he was spending his time. Oh, if only he knew what he planned next. After Danarius left for work, Fenris grabbed the phone Isabela had given him and found Hawke in his contacts. Well, it was now or never.

_“hey its fen. need sum help in the garden. u free?_ ”

Hawke was sitting at home on his weekly day off when he got the text, not recognizing the number but immediately recognizing the name. The tattoo guy from the store, the one who’d flirted with him. How could he forget?

_“Yeah. I normally am expected to charge an hourly fee for coming out but since it’s your first time and I’m not working, I’m okay with letting it slide. What’s your address?”_

This was happening. This was really happening. Fenris didn’t hesitate to send him his address. He stood in the kitchen, door to the backyard open as he leaned against the counter in a t-shirt and small pair of shorts. Reasonable gardening attire, especially for the weather. Right now, he wasn’t sure what he was going to tell Hawke about this big house or what he did for a living. Hopefully, he just wouldn’t ask.

Hawke arrived soon enough, wearing a t-shirt as well and some blue jeans stained on the knees, clearly his working jeans. He knocked on the front door, finding himself a little puzzled by the size of the house he’d been sent to. Was this man married? No one lived alone in a house this large, surely.

At the sound of the knock, Fenris padded to the front door and opened it to greet Hawke. He shoved the anxiety of Danarius finding out about this, catching him, showing up on this doorstep knowing somehow, to the back of his mind. Instead, he gave Hawke his best smile.

“Hey. It is good to see you again,” he said.

“Hey, you as well,” he said with a smile of his own clearing his throat as he was invited inside. “So, what are we looking at here?”

He was referring to the garden, of course, nodding to the open back door and doing his best not to stare around. He’d been in mansions like this before for this reason, but it wasn’t often that someone so young lived in one by himself. He was here for business, he reminded himself, keeping his eyes on the other man’s face and not the shorts he was wearing, nor the legs beneath them.

“I have done most of it myself but there is some heavy lifting to be done. A hand would be helpful,” Fenris said. He guided Hawke out the back and let him assess the situation for himself. “If you like I could get you a drink while you get started. How does lemonade sound?”

“You don’t have to, but if you’re offering, I would love some,” he replied. Fenris had made a pretty good start, but his holes weren’t nearly deep enough for the size of the trees he’d picked. He didn’t hesitate to grab the shovel from the ground and start working as Fenris departed to fetch the lemonade.

Fenris poured out two glasses, one for himself and one for Hawke. He put a straw in his own and then carried them out into the garden. There was a chair and small table with an umbrella not too far from the holes, so he took a seat and set down Hawke’s glass on the table.

“Ready when you want it,” he said, openly admiring him as he got to work digging. He couldn’t help but wonder how he ever settled for a man like Danarius.

Hawke paused in his shovelling to move over and pick up the glass, taking a drink and sighing contently.

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” he said with a smile. It was very hard not to look at Fenris’s legs as he sat like that, especially as the smooth hairless skin shimmered in the light. “You made the holes a bit too small for the trees to really be planted into, but once that’s fixed we should be able to get them in the ground no problem.”

“That is good to hear,” Fenris said, raising his glass towards Hawke and then wrapping his lips around the straw he’d put in for himself so he could take a long drink.

“Do you... live in this place by yourself?” Hawke asked as he picked the shovel back up again, turning towards the work he’d started.

“Yes. It is quite big, isn’t it?” Fenris said quickly. Maker, maybe he should have just dodged the question. Now he was getting into sticky ‘lying’ territory. Well, there was no going back now. “I… inherited it.”

“I see. That’s quite lucky, then,” Hawke noted, not seeming to think twice about the statement. “It must get lonely, though. All this space and you just have yourself.”

Fenris put down the glass of lemonade. Now they were talking. That could be taken as flirting, couldn’t it? He watched with lidded eyes as Hawke dug the holes, sweat on his brow, muscles at work. He was truly something to look at.

“Very. I have been… aching for some company,” he said.

“Have you?” Hawke looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He paused in his digging to rest his shovel on the ground, propping his elbow on it. “So, could I speculate then that you didn’t _truly_ need help with these trees? Or is there no ulterior motive here whatsoever, and I’m just seeing things?”

“Depends if you’re interested,” Fenris replied, feeling slightly emboldened by Hawke’s forwardness. “I could have done the trees myself but… watching you work has been a treat.”

Hawke couldn’t help but smirk at that, looking away and towards the hole he had been digging. Presently, he felt as though he were digging another hole this very moment without even having to move his arms. One he feared he couldn’t easily climb out of. But the tone Fenris was using, his beautiful green eyes and those delicate long legs... it was casting a spell over him. Or at least that’s how it felt.

“You’re not nearly as shy now as you were when we met,” he accused, avoiding the proposition momentarily. “Why is that, I wonder?”

“The learning if you were interested was the hard part. You can’t expect every… handsome man to enjoy the company of other men,” Fenris said. Despite the lying he’d been doing, that was true. Suddenly what Isabela had told him started to make sense. Once you could feel the interest, got over that initial hurdle, it seemed a lot more simple.

“Handsome, hm,” Hawke pursed his lips and looked away from him again, clearly fighting another smile. “Well I’m glad you at least spoke to me. It would be a waste of such a good-looking opportunity. With fantastic legs, I should add.”

Fenris pushed himself out of the chair, walking over to Hawke and putting his hand on his arm. He squeezed the muscle there lightly, humming.

“I take it you like the shorts then,” he said.

“I do,” Hawke murmured, enjoying the tingles that rushed through his body at the touch. Maker, _what_ was he getting himself into? “It’s been a struggle for me to keep my eyes off of you since I got here and those definitely don’t help.”

“Well, I don’t want you to take them off me,” Fenris replied. Now things were being arranged, he felt a bit more nervous. He could do this. It would be good.

“Then what _do_ you want, Fenris?” he asked, meeting his eyes form underneath thick lashes as he loomed a bit closer, towering above Fenris and resting a hand on the table behind them.

Fenris’s body tingled with heat as Hawke leaned over him, making him feel so small. Slowly, he reached up to cup Hawke’s cheeks in his hands, meeting his eyes. He was going to do this, no matter what.

“Kiss me,” he whispered.

Hawke couldn’t find it in him to reject the request. He only smiled as he leaned in, letting his hand hold Fenris’s waist as he pressed their lips together in one short motion. It sent chills down his spine, and this adrenaline through his system. He knew he was making a mistake, he could feel it, but he didn’t care enough to turn back.

Fenris kissed back, his hands slowly sliding down from his cheeks to caress his chest. He knew it too, that this was wrong, that he shouldn’t be doing this. If Danarius caught him, he’d be dead for sure. However, his body was telling him something else entirely.

Hawke let his hands travel a little further to hold his ass in his hands, figuring this would be an okay thing to do because of the implications that had already been made. He grazed his teeth over the other man’s bottom lip, deepening the kiss and pulling him closer.

It made Fenris flinch, but he did not complain. He wanted this, he truly did. His fingers dug into the material of Hawke’s shirt as he drank him in.

Hawke.

It was different to kissing anybody else and it was already making him melt.

Hawke wasn’t sure at all where Fenris was wanting to go with this, or what he wanted Hawke to do, but he was content to make out with him without a doubt. It wasn’t every day that he got to talk to someone this hot, let alone kiss them. The way that Fenris trembled beneath him was definitely a turn on, though.

When they parted, Fenris stared back at Hawke for a moment in silence. Spit-slicked lips, sparkling amber eyes. He looked more handsome than ever. This wasn’t going to end here. Considering the hands on his ass, he figured that Hawke must feel the same way. He reached to take Hawke’s hand in his.

“Come upstairs with me?” he offered.

Hawke looked down at their hands and smirked, meeting Fenris’s eyes.

“I would love to,” he said quietly, his tone husky and weighted with lust.

Fenris let Hawke drop his things so he could pull him by the hand into the house. He took him upstairs to the master bedroom, pushing open the door so they could stumble inside.

Hawke shut the door behind them, grabbing Fenris to kiss him again, but he pulled away after a moment, looking him over with hooded eyes.

“So, how far are we going with this?” he asked softly, the statement sounding hotter than it should have.

“What do you mean?” Fenris asked. He didn’t know what the correct answer was. Was he supposed to just tell him he wanted to have sex? Did he mean something else?

“I mean, do you want me to fuck you, or is that farther than you’re interested in going?” he asked, not breaking eye contact. “I’m happy to fuck you. Very happy to. But if that’s too much, I get it.”

Well. You didn’t get much more forward than that. Hawke was blunt. Fenris’s smile twitched, his cheeks red. He could appreciate that in a man.

“No. I’d like you to,” he said.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he hummed, grinning as he leaned in and kissed Fenris again, backing him up against the door they had just closed and wrapping one of his legs around his waist and holding it up at the thigh, fingers just beneath the hem of those adorable shorts he wore.

Just feeling Hawke’s fingers on his thigh made Fenris tremble under him. His hands were so big, he noticed, it would be easy to manhandle him if he let him.

Hawke hummed, adoring the taste of the man in his hold as he trailed his kisses down his jaw line, then kissing his neck, lapping his tongue over that sensitive skin and grazing his teeth over it to tease him as his hand travelled up his shorts.

It occurred to Fenris as Hawke grazed his teeth against his skin that while it set his nerves alight, there was also a very real possibility of him leaving marks behind. He couldn’t. It would certainly be bad if he did.

“Hawke,” he breathed. “Don’t… leave any marks.”

 At that, Hawke pulled away from his neck and nodded, obeying his request and instead sliding his hands up his shirt, pulling it off and over his head. He pulled off his own shirt as well, tossing it onto the floor.

Fenris was glad that Hawke didn’t ask why, just obeyed. He raked his eyes over Hawke’s exposed chest, admiring the thick layer of chest hair there.

“Maker, these tattoos are everywhere,” Hawke breathed, running his hands over them. “It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“You like them?” Fenris asked.

“I _love_ them,” he sighed, smiling as he traced them with his fingers, running his fingers along the hem of his shorts where more of the tattoos disappeared into. He loved Fenris touching his chest, feeling his muscles and his chest hair, it made him feel so confident about his body.

Many people had complimented his tattoos, it made him partially understand why Danarius wanted him to get them. Fenris smiled and nodded like he always did, biting back any reply that expressed how much it hurt to get them.

Hawke leaned in to kiss him once more as his hands slipped between his legs, one cupping his crotch as the other teased one of his newly exposed nipples, He was so beautiful, how was a man like him even single? It was astonishing.

Fenris gasped, reeling from the new sensations. Hawke was this perfect balance of rough and soft. He ran his fingers through his hair, gently rocking into his touch.

Hawke cherished the sounds, letting Fenris wrap his legs around him completely so that Hawke was the only thing supporting his weight. As he pulled on the hem of his shorts in order to remove them, he paused.

“You have the stuff we need for this, right?” he asked.

“Yes. Take me to the bed,” Fenris nodded. There was lube in the drawer, though he wasn’t sure whether the condoms would fit Hawke. He was a rather big man in stature, it was only reasonable to assume he was big everywhere.

Hawke nodded, lifting him up to hold him fully in his arms where he carried him to the bed, setting him down gently as he climbed on top of him. He pulled off his shorts, discarding them quickly and marvelling at the way Fenris was already hard. Everything about him was so beautiful.

He wished this situation were somehow different, that he could have had the chance to take Fenris on a date before he fucked him; he was certainly worthy of it. But here they were. Too late to turn back now.

“Where is it?” he asked softly, tracing his fingers gently over his cock, teasingly.

“In the drawer,” Fenris gestured as he spoke. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever been this aroused in his life. Every time Hawke moved, he anticipated his touch. Fingers like fire on his skin, eyes full of nothing but care and admiration for his body.

Hawke nodded, reaching over and pulling out the lube, he looked over the condoms and chuckled a little.

“Uhm… these? I don’t think these will work,” he said, shaking the box a little as he showed it to Fenris.

“Ah. Um,” Fenris stammered. He thought that might be the case. However, he didn’t want to let that ruin this moment for him. He definitely wanted Hawke. “Are you… Can I trust that you’re clean?”

“Definitely,” Hawke assured him with a tone of confidence. He spread some of the lubricant over his fingers, and some over his entrance as well before he pulled Fenris’s legs over his shoulders and pushed in the first digit, noting how incredibly tight he was.

Fenris nodded and gasped at the feeling of Hawke pushing a finger inside him. Just one. He was so careful with him, he noted. Was this the way things were supposed to be? His fingers dug into the sheets under him, getting a slight thrill knowing that this was the bed he shared with Danarius.

Hawke smiled at him, leaning down and kissing him, palming his own crotch to rouse himself into hardness as he pressed in a second finger, spreading him open with every movement and gently working his body by his motions.

Leaning his head back, Fenris thought he could stay in this moment forever. The tingles of pleasure being shot up his spine, hips wiggling as Hawke worked his fingers in and spread him out. He didn’t feel bad or uncomfortable in the slightest.

It wasn’t long until he had pressed in a third, curling his fingers up in hopes of striking his sweet spot as he groaned lightly against his lips. He had become almost totally hard in his jeans. It had been a while since he’d had a one-night stand like this, but he had a feeling this one was about to be one of his best.

_What was that?_ Fenris thought, blinking owlishly up at Hawke. Hawke’s fingers rubbed up against that spot again and he felt another burst of pleasure that made his legs shake, a moan spilling out.

“I-I don’t know what you did but… please do it again,” he gasped.

Hawke raised an eyebrow at him, feeling slightly confused by that statement, but he didn’t question it. He obeyed without hesitation, continuing to rub up against that spot as he pressed in a fourth finger just to ensure he was nicely stretched, and of course, to tease him that much further.

Fenris’s cock throbbed at the sensation. _This_ was definitely what Isabela meant by how sex was supposed to feel. He couldn’t believe he’d missed out for so long and if it hadn’t been for her, he likely would’ve gone without the rest of his life. He groaned and shifted to accommodate all four of his fingers.

Hawke ran his hands up and down his thighs as he continued to work him open, wanting to have him experience as little pain as possible during this process. He fumbled with the buckles of his jeans, unzipping the front just enough to pull himself free without taking his jeans off.

“You think you’re ready?” he asked softly, voice becoming a little rough with breathlessness, clearly growing a little needy as well.

“Yes,” Fenris said. His gaze shifted down to Hawke’s cock, noting the sheer size of it. Maker. All had been going well but now it came to this part, he couldn’t help but feel a little worried. Hawke was gentle with him, but he was so _big._

He could see the fear in Fenris’s eyes and he hesitated as he pulled his fingers out. It wasn’t unusual that people were shocked or intimidated by his size. He sat back a little, meeting his eyes.

“Still wanna go through with this?” he said. “It’s okay to back out. You won’t hurt my feelings.”

“Yes,” Fenris said. It _was_ intimidating, but the worst thing that could happen is it’d hurt. He was no stranger to that. This had already been a good experience, he wasn’t afraid of ruining it now.

Hawke nodded. “Alright, if you think you can take it.”

He used a little more of the lubricant on himself as he repositioned Fenris’s legs on his shoulders. He positioned his hands on either side of Fenris’s shoulders as he slowly pushed himself in, biting back a groan at the sensation.

Fenris’s fingers fisted the sheets harder, digging in and threatening to tear the material. His lips parted, cheeks flushed, eyes glazed over with lust as he watched Hawke inch inside him. Big. _Thick._ He’d never felt anything like it. To his surprise, even despite his size, there was only a little soreness, a dull ache. It hurt less than anything he’d ever done with Danarius, even when he was stretched this wide. The process was slow, gradual, but eventually he managed to fit all the way inside him.

_Maker_. He could feel it in his stomach.

Hawke moaned aloud once he was seated in to the hilt, his shoulders tensing as he fought the urge to start moving. He was so tight, so unbelievably tight, he was surprised that he even fit. However, Fenris didn’t seem to be in pain, judging by the wonderful expression on his face, but he could always be wrong.

He leaned in close, murmuring against his cheek, “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Fenris breathed. He needed a moment to adjust, to get used to _this_. His eyes met Hawke’s, mesmerised by the look of enrapturement on his face. It seemed like he was enjoying this just as much as he was.

Hawke took a deep breath, pulling out and pushing himself back in, unable to contain his groan at the friction that shot sweet sensations through his whole body. He let his head fall into the pillows beside Fenris’s, hands and shoulders barely holding himself up as he began to set a rough but consistent pace, gritting his teeth to try and fight his sounds.

Once he came down to him, Fenris wrapped his arms around Hawke and allowed his blunt nails to dig into his back instead of the sheets. He didn’t ask but he figured that a couple scratch marks where they couldn’t be seen would be fine. Not that he could stop himself now anyway as Hawke thrust into him at a rough pace, making him gasp and moan.

Hawke loved the feel of his nails against his back, only adding to the sensation and he felt encouraged to pick up his pace, lifting Fenris’s hips up a little higher so that he could angle himself towards his prostate with his next thrust, skin slapping against skin.

That had Fenris crying out, body writhing. He didn’t know it could feel this good, being penetrated like this. His cock dribbled copious amounts of precum onto his stomach, pooling with the angle Hawke held him.

“Oh God, oh _fuck_ ,” he rasped. “Hawke, fuck.”

The cries were like angel song in his ears. Hawke could feel himself coming close as well, breath hitching in his throat.

“Fenris—" he moaned, gripping Fenris’s thigh harshly as he thrust in with more force, hitting that spot with every motion he made. He reached between them to grasp Fenris’s leaking cock in his hands, trying to finish him off so that he could finish as well, fighting his peak with every sound the other man made.

Tears bubbled in the corners of Fenris’s eyes, almost completely overwhelmed with the sensations that he was being given. This was perfect. He was… He was going to _come_.

“Y-You feel so good, Hawke, fuck,” he kept cursing as he drew closer to the edge. “I’m going… I’m going to—”

Like that, he came with another cry. He spilt onto his stomach and panted, reeling from what had just happened. That was completely overwhelming. He could still feel Hawke fucking into him, drawing out the ends of his afterglow bliss.

Hawke came not long after, groaning as he spilled inside Fenris, filling him up with his come. He pulled out with a sigh of effort, sweat beading on his temples as he tried his best to catch his breath, sitting back on his haunches, soft cock still hanging partially out of his jeans. Well, that was _quite_ the way for him to spend his day off, he supposed.

Fenris let his arms flop back by his sides, leaning back against the sheets and doing his best to catch his breath. He could hardly believe what had just happened. He’d cheated on Danarius, in their bed, and it had been the most mind-blowing sex he’d ever experienced.

Hawke watched Fenris for a moment, marvelling at the beauty of his post-sex form, but soon enough he fit himself back into his jeans and zipped them up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He reached down to grab his shirt, unfolding the ball in his hands.

“I suppose now’s the part where I should get going,” he said with a little smile, looking away as he started to pull on his shirt.

“Can I text you?” Fenris asked, sitting up and shuffling to meet Hawke on the end of the bed, not caring for his nudity or the mess he’d made.

Hawke’s expression lightened a little at that and he smiled.

“Sure, if you want,” he hummed. “But I should give you my personal number, not my business number. Unless you were thinking about just... talking about flowers and planting trees.”

“I’d like the personal number,” Fenris said. He put his hand on Hawke’s arm, squeezing the muscle there lightly again. This had been too good not to do again.

Hawke adored the touch. He swore every time Fenris touched his muscles it added ten years to his lifespan. When Fenris handed him his phone, he happily took it and typed in his personal number, naming himself just ‘Hawke’ this time as he handed it back.

“There you go,” he hummed.

“Thank you,” Fenris nodded, looking down at the details on his phone. This was too good to be true. Any time now he’d pinch himself and find out this was all a dream. “I look forward to keeping in touch.”

“I sincerely hope that you do,” he said with a smile and a wink, rising from the bed as he walked out the door, taking the initiative to let himself out.

Fenris watched him leave and then made his own moves. He showered, dressed, took off all the sheets on the bed and washed them. Everything was back to normal, like nothing had ever happened. It was saddening that he had to erase the memory of it from the room and his body, but he knew he had to. Once done, laid back down on the bed and took out of his phone to text Isabela.

_“thx for all ur advise. had a hot guy over ;)”_

Isabela was taking a bubble bath and drinking some wine while her husband was at work, so she was a fair bit tipsy when she received the text, which only heightened her excitement. She had almost dropped her glass into the water.

_“seriously? no way! you have to tell me EVERYTHING. RIGHT. NOW!!!”_

At the response, Fenris chuckled to himself. He rolled onto his side, as he began typing out his reply. Had he ever felt this happy before? It was hard to tell.

_“met him buying flowers. think its same guy we saw at the caffe? asked him 2 help plant trees n took him to bed”_

Isabela was quick to respond, leaning forward over her phone with her elbows on the edge of the tub as she typed.

_”and how was it?? did he fuck you??? did he have a big dick??? DETAILS, Fenris.”_

He couldn’t explain why he felt so comfortable telling her otherwise private details. Perhaps this is what it meant to have a friend. A real one. Not one he put on polite faces for when Danarius was around.

_“it was AMAZING so yes he did. and yes he was… impresive ;)”_

Isabela felt so proud. Fenris had _sex_ , _good_ sex. This was an experience he would hang on to for the rest of this life. He’d finally started to break his chains.

_“your vague responses are driving me crazy!!!! so, are you gonna fuck him again??”_

_“defiantly i told him id txt him_ ”

Fenris took a deep breath. He couldn’t wait to see Hawke again. If every time they had sex was as good as this time, he’d never want to let go of him.

Isabela frowned a little at that. Oh no, that wasn’t a good sign. Having sex with someone another time would be fine, maybe one more time, but any more than that would be extremely risky. She knew better than to do that.

_“one more time, but if I were you, I’d cut him off after that. it’s too risky to just stay with the same person. you might start having feelings for them, or they might start having feelings for you. that is NOT what you want.”_

A pang of sadness hit Fenris in the chest. Isabela was probably right, there were many ways for this to go wrong if he kept to just Hawke but… he found himself already a little attached. He put it down to the sex-fried brain talking.

_“even if the sex is rlly good?”_

Isabela laughed aloud at that, shaking her head. This poor guy, she was really going to have to teach him her ways. Not that she would mind, of course. She loved staring at Fenris’s pretty green eyes while they hung out together.

_“ESPECIALLY if the sex is really good. no one has ever had sex with the same person for a long period of time and not had some kind of feelings for them. you’ll break his heart. better sooner than later. less sticky that way, literally AND metaphorically.”_

_“ur braking my heart Isabela”_ is what Fenris responded. One more time then. One more time to have sex with Hawke and then he’d have to find a way to cut ties. Never see him again.

_“you’ll get used to it. it was hard my first time too, but it’s the best thing to do,”_ she sent back, settling back into her bubbles and taking another sip of wine. _”at least keep a picture or something of him on your secret phone if you can. I know I have a few for safe keeping ;)”_

Fenris hummed at the thought. He could ask Hawke to send a photo of himself. A saucy one for those nights when he’d rather be having sex with him than Danarius. Yeah. That sounded pretty good.

_“good idea thx"_

_“no problem! keep me posted, I wanna hear about ALL your exploits. oh, and clean the toilet with your husband’s toothbrush for me <3” _

Isabela smirked at that, sinking down into her bubbles once more with content.

That made Fenris laugh. Isabela was a delight. Even though the party where he’d met her had been an awful experience, there were good things that could come out of it. He sent her one final text.

_“will do”_


	4. Booty Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite Isabela's advice, Fenris continues a sexual relationship with Hawke. Things start to to take a turn when feelings come into play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> realised i forgot to upload this on sunday, whoops! here it is anyway! lots of NSFW talk this chapter but no explicit content :)

Danarius came home looking exhausted from a long day at work, he tossed his suitcase and jacket down on the ground without a care, kicking off his shoes. Anders was quick to approach, purring and rubbing up against his legs. Danarius scratched him behind the ears, enough to get the cat to leave him alone as he sulked towards the kitchen, not even seeming to pay Fenris a glance.

When Fenris caught sight of him, he couldn’t find it in him to be angry at him. Usually, he had to repress a lot of frustration, but after the day he’d had, he was still flying as high as a kite.

“Welcome home,” he said from the kitchen doorway.

“Hello, little wolf,” he said with a sigh, giving him a kiss on the cheek as he passed though it was without emotion or meaning. He opened up a cabinet to grab a bottle of wine, pouring himself a glass and drinking the entire thing in one gulp. As he finished, he looked up at Fenris over the empty glass, staring after him in thought. “How have you spent your day?”

“Planted some trees in the garden. Apple trees. You can come see them if you like but they’re only little saplings right now,” Fenris said, watching Danarius as he drank the wine.

“I’m afraid I haven’t the energy for that at the moment, love,” he huffed. “I’m headed to bed. I’ll have a large breakfast to make up for going without dinner.”

He set down his empty glass of wine and moved past Fenris toward the hall to the bedroom.

“Oh. Okay. Goodnight,” Fenris said, watching him go. He picked up the wine glass to wash it in the sink and then sighed. It was getting rather late. Perhaps he should be considering going to bed as well.

Danarius entered the bedroom and flicked on the lights, noting how clean it was in here. It made him feel a little relieved, however, as he plopped down on the edge of the bed, he noticed a pair of socks discarded on the ground. He didn’t remember getting paw-print socks. He frowned.

“Fenris,” he called. “Come here.”

Fenris didn’t like that tone of voice. He padded up the stairs as quickly as he could and peered into the bedroom where Danarius sat holding a pair of socks. Fenris briefly looked panicked at the sight of them. Those were _definitely_ Hawke’s.

“What is it?” he asked, putting on his best smile.

“Where did you get these?” he replied, looking from his husband down to the socks in his hand, turning them over in inspection. “They’re much too large for you.”

“Oh um, I bought the wrong size, misread the label. But I kept them because they’re actually really comfy,” Fenris lied through his teeth. Hopefully Danarius wouldn’t notice anything suspicious about it.

Danarius frowned even deeper, staring at the socks as if they would somehow tell him the truth of the matter. After a long moment of silence, he set the socks off to the side with a hum of thought.

“Well, please refrain from leaving your things all over the floor,” he huffed as he began to unbutton his shirt.

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” Fenris said with a firm nod. That was a close call. Luckily, Danarius bought his lie. That didn’t stop his heart from racing though. Next time, he would be more careful.

“Actually, before you go back to the kitchen, would you come here?” he said, looking up at him. He unbuckled his belt, gesturing for Fenris to kneel between his legs with a smirk growing on his features. “Indulge your husband after he’s had a long, strenuous day at work, would you, love?”

For just a moment, Fenris hesitated. He’d almost forgotten that this was still something he had to do if he wanted to not draw any suspicion. So, he simply nodded and walked over so he could get on his knees between Danarius’s legs. He let him lace his bony fingers through his hair while he got to work.

When they were done, Danarius turned away from him and tucked himself beneath the covers, without so much as a word of thanks after he’d stripped himself down enough to settle into sleep. Unaware of the fact that, in this very bed just hours before, Fenris had slept with another man.

That usual disgust, that shame rolled over him. Fenris realised that with Hawke, he never had any of that. He rose to his feet and walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

 

It was a few days later that Fenris decided to text Hawke again. He’d been thinking about saving that one last time before he split up with him but Danarius had told him that he had a business meeting out of town. He would be staying at a hotel for the night and wouldn’t be back until the following afternoon. It was the perfect opportunity to go as many times in a night as possible.

_“hi its fen. wats up? :)”_

Hawke had just gotten home from his shift, tired and sweaty when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He set his keys down on the couch and couldn’t help but smile. He’d hoped he would hear from this guy again, just when he was getting scared that he wouldn’t.

_“Just got home, and I just got a text from this really hot guy so, I’m pretty good. How are you?”_

_“im good. was thinkin abowt u. i rlly enjoyed the last time u were here”_ Fenris text back. He smiled at the compliment even if it took him a moment to realise that he had been talking about him.

 _“Is that so?”_ He smirked to himself as he read the response again. The way he typed was silly, yes, but it was undeniably adorable. It made him feel sort of fluttery in his stomach, in a way he hadn’t felt in a while.

Suddenly, what Isabela had said about the photo popped into Fenris’s mind. How did someone ask for something like that? He had to be subtle, sly, but forward enough that Hawke could catch the hint. He began typing out his reply.

_“yes ;) i am a little shaky on sum of the detales tho. mind jogging my memory?”_

Hawke felt a little exhilarated at the suggestion. He smiled, immediately rushing to his bathroom to make use of the mirror, removing his sweaty shirt and unbuckling his jeans. He palmed himself a bit, just enough to get hard enough that you could see it in his boxers. He angled a picture to get his face and his shirtless chest in the photo as well as the bulge distinctly noticeable from under his loosened belt.

_“This help?”_

Fenris took a moment to rove his eyes over the picture. If there was a God and he could sculpt the perfect man, he would’ve definitely created Hawke. Just a single photo was turning him on. He needed Hawke here and soon.

_“yes, wud rather c more in person tho”_

_“Say no more, I’ll be there in 10.”_

With that, Hawke dressed himself enough to head out the door, grabbing his car keys and locking up behind him. He could not have been on the road fast enough.

As soon as he read the message, Fenris tucked away his phone and anticipated his arrival. Hopefully, he could convince Hawke to stay longer this time. He wanted to experience as many different things as possible. Plus, he could count on him to make him feel good.

Fenris lived on the far side of town, so Hawke was driving for about fifteen to twenty minutes with an erection that only seemed to become more persistent as he got closer. He desperately hoped Fenris wouldn’t mind it as he parked in the massive driveway of his equally massive estate and rushed to the door, knocking without hesitation.

There was barely any time between the knock and Fenris swinging the door open. It was good to see him again, he looked even better in the flesh. His gaze shifted down and he became quickly aware of the situation there. Was that because of him? Maker, he hoped so.

“Uh hey,” he said a bit awkwardly, blush rising in his cheeks when he felt Fenris’s eyes on him. “I... got myself hard for the picture and when you said to come over I left as fast as I could. Figured that you wouldn’t really mind.”

“I don’t. I liked the picture,” Fenris hummed. He invited Hawke in and shut the door behind him. Once closed, he reached out to wrap his arms around Hawke’s neck, pressing himself up against him. “I hope you don’t have anywhere to be any time soon.”

Hawke’s breath hitched at the friction of his presence, as if he were intentionally teasing him in this way. No. There was no way that he _wasn’t._

"Me? No. Not at all,” he said with a smirk, wrapping his arms around his waist and letting his hands rest on his ass, giving it a little squeeze. “You have me for as long as you want me.”

“If that’s the case then I hope you are prepared for a test of your stamina,” Fenris said, enjoying his touch. He pulled him down for a kiss, slowly backing up towards the stairs so he could take him into his bedroom.

Hawke followed with the biggest grin on his face, disappearing behind the bedroom door with Fenris and capturing his lips in his. It _had_ truly been a test of his stamina. Fenris was so much more vocal now than he was the time before, telling Hawke what he wanted to do and how he wanted to do it. By the time they were done, they’d gone three times and had made a complete mess out of the sheets. Hawke was exhausted, but in the very best way. This was easily another moment to be added to his ‘best sexual experiences ever’ list.

He plopped down beside Fenris, not seeming to care about the mess between them as he wrapped his arm around his waist and nestled his face into the pillows, smiling sleepily.

“You... are amazing,” he said quietly, still a little out of breath.

“I bet you say that to all the boys you sleep with,” Fenris replied. He lay in a mess he knew he was going to have to clean up later, but he didn’t mind. In fact, he was so exhausted from all of the sexual activity that he didn’t think he could move for a little while yet anyway.

“Hm, very funny. As if I had other boys to sleep with,” Hawke chuckled, fingers idly tracing Fenris’s sides. “The fact that I got to sleep with you once is a miracle. Twice? It makes me wonder if I’m just having a very, very detailed dream.”

“It’s just me?” Fenris asked. One thing he forgot to ask Isabela was how to break it off with people. Right now? He couldn’t break it off with Hawke. They’d just had the most amazing sex and he was comfy here in his arms. Plus, he seemed to be… really happy. He couldn’t bear to see the look on his face if he called this off.

“I don’t exactly have a ton of free time to look for guys to sleep with,” he said with a sigh. “I work two jobs. I have a house to pay for and a dog to feed. This is... a rare circumstance for me.”

Fenris shifted onto his side to face him, looking him over. He ran his fingers lightly through his chest hair. If he was working two jobs, he was probably fairly poor. Maker, he’d like to see the look on Danarius’s face if he knew he was sleeping with someone like that.

“But I take it you have no complaints?” he said.

“Nope,” he replied sleepily with a little chuckle, adoring the touch, the feel of fingers running through his chest hair. He let his eyes flutter closed as he settled into the pillows, feeling exhaustion creeping towards him relentlessly, sleep tugging him slowly away. He wrapped his arms a little more securely around Fenris, holding him close.

“That’s good,” Fenris whispered, noting how sleepy he was becoming. His hand moved up to stroke his cheek. There was no reason to kick him out if he was tired. Danarius wouldn’t be back until the following afternoon, there was no risk of getting caught. So, instead, he let his own eyes close and his head tucked under his.

Hawke had fallen asleep in moments, holding Fenris snug against him all the while. It was the first time he’d fallen asleep in someone else’s bed with someone else in his arms in a very long time but the last thing he was doing was complaining.

Come morning, Fenris stirred at the heat warming his shoulders from the window, sunlight peeking through. His eyes fluttered open and he came face to face with Hawke. Right. He’d slept here overnight. He decided there was no reason to wake him just yet and simply ran his fingers over his jaw, admiring him.

Sleeping Hawke seemed to lean into the affections, squeezing Fenris a little more before his eyes fluttered open slightly, glaring around the room as he took in his surroundings. Right. Fenris’s house. Fenris’s bed. Fenris. Now he remembered.

“Good morning,” Fenris said quietly, rubbing his thumb over his cheek. He looked so cute when he was tired. Truthfully, he hated that he thought he could get used to this.

“Good morning,” Hawke mumbled, yawning and reaching up to rub his eyes. “I’m sorry for.... passin’ out.”

He was still half asleep and not really capable of making words, but that didn’t stop him from trying.

“Don’t worry about it. I wore you out last night, blame me,” Fenris replied. There was no way he could kick Hawke to the curb now. He liked him far too much. This meant he was going to have to get advice from Isabela.

“You _did_ wear me out,” Hawke laughed a little, smiling at the memory. “It’s been a while since I’d gone more than once in a night like that. Explains why I’m so sleepy, probably.”

“Too tired for another go?” Fenris asked mischievously. He wasn’t sure how well his own body would be able to handle the exercise, but he didn’t want to let Hawke go just yet.

“Hmmm... I dunno. How are you gonna convince me?” Hawke asked with this twinkle to his eyes, smirking at Fenris.

Fenris laughed a little, pushing Hawke onto his back. He climbed on top of him, straddling his lap. His muscles were still aching from the night before, but he thought he could give it another shot. He stretched and then looked down at Hawke, running his hands up his chest.

Hawke hummed, openly roving his eyes over Fenris’s naked body as he touched him. He smiled.

“You’re not gonna be able to walk when I leave here,” he said with a determined tone, wrapping an arm around Fenris so he could flip their positions, Fenris pinned underneath as the two became lost in each other in an instant, fucking not for the second or the third time in twenty-four hours, but the fourth.

Once it was over, Hawke had to see himself out. He didn’t want to leave his dog too long on his own. Fenris followed through the usual routine of showering and cleaning the bedroom. This time, he made sure that nothing was left behind. The room was spotless. He took a seat on the end of the bed and took out his phone to text Isabela.

_“i need ur help”_

Isabela responded almost immediately, as if she knew that Fenris was going to text her somehow.

_“you didn’t dump him, did you.”_

Fenris huffed when he saw the text. She knew. Of course she did. This was Isabela they were talking about after all. He typed out a reply.

_“i dont know how. he just left this morning, we had sex 3 times last night and once this mornin”_

She sighed at what she read, feeling a little disappointed though she expected this outcome. She had hoped her friend would be stronger.

_“you let him stay the night??!!!! Fenris. you’re screwed. literally and figuratively.”_

_“he fell asleep!! wat as i suposed 2 do? push him out of bed?? danarius isnt going 2 b home until this afternoon anyway”_

He stared at his phone as he sent the message. He didn’t like the reaction Isabela had given him. What did this mean for him?

 _“tell him he can’t stay. that’s what you do. this isn’t about getting caught, Fenris. it’s about getting attached.”_ She sent back, biting back any smart remarks she felt the need to make.

Fenris frowned. Was he already done for? He couldn’t imagine dumping Hawke now. It’d be so… so _sad._

_“well now u kno y im txting u. wat do i do????”_

_“stop sleeping with him. don’t text him again.”_ she insisted, not willing to let that statement just drift away from Fenris. _“find some other guy with a big cock to fuck you in Danarius’s bed. there’s plenty of fish in the sea.”_

Ignore him? That seemed cruel. But perhaps she was right. In the least, he should probably go looking for someone else to have sex with. Fenris typed out his reply.

_“wat if he texts me?”_

_“don’t text him back. he’ll get over it eventually.”_

She had a feeling, though, Fenris would fail to follow this request but she still sent the message anyways.

_“ok. thx for ur help”_

Fenris sighed and put his phone down. He was in a messy situation here. What was he going to do? He had to break up with him somehow. Maybe. Unless it wouldn’t hurt to go one more time. Well, all he could do now was wait for Danarius to come home.

 

It was a few weeks after that when Hawke did finally text Fenris on his own accord, even attaching a picture. It was one of himself in the mirror, like the first, but it was much less conservative. His erection pulled free from his jeans, thumb rubbing over the tip as Hawke looked into the camera with hooded eyes.

_“Can’t stop thinking about you after last time. You’ve left me in a bit of a predicament.”_

When he saw the message, Fenris felt his breath hitch. He’d tried his best to not text Hawke, to move on with his life like Isabela advised him to. However, he hadn’t had much luck in finding some other guy to fuck. It was a… nice picture that Hawke had sent. He couldn’t believe he had to give up a magnificent cock like that.

 _Don’t reply, Fenris. Don’t do it._ He opened the keyboard on his phone. _Damn it._

_“tell me more ;)”_

Hawke was very quick to reply with another message and, of course, another picture. This one was focused more on his cock and abdomen than his face or chest. Focused on the veins running up underneath his thick cock, precome already dribbling out of the tip and onto his fingers.

_“I had a dream about fucking you in the shower, then taking you to your kitchen and just fucking you while you were bent over the counter. Woke up with this.”_

Fenris licked his lips. That… _did_ sound good. The tingles of arousal were already filling his body. Hawke holding him up against the shower wall and pounding into him. Holding his hair as he railed him on the kitchen counter from behind. These were all excellent fantasies.

_“doesnt have 2 b a dream”_

Hawke smirked too himself as he read the reply, hoping Fenris would say something like that.

_“Does that mean I can come over?”_

Danarius was at work. He worked late. Usually he showed up home early, there wouldn’t be a problem. This time he had to make sure that Hawke didn’t fall asleep in his bed.

_“yes :) have a friend over 2nite tho so…”_

_“A friend? Oh, I see how it is. Is his dick bigger than mine?”_ Hawke sent back playfully, smiling to himself as he anticipated the reply.

Fenris’s heart hammered. He hated lying but… he had to. Isabela wouldn’t mind being used for this instance, surely. He typed out a response: _“im sure she wud tell u it is haha”_

Hawke grinned at that. So, he didn’t have any reason to be jealous. Good. I mean... he wouldn’t care if Fenris slept with someone else but it was nice to know that he wasn’t. At least that’s what he told himself.

_“Haha, don’t worry. I won’t pass out in your bed again. I’ll be there soon.”_

_“sounds gud”_ Fenris text back and then put his phone down. Well, so much for his plan to never respond. How couldn’t he though? With a picture like that attached? He was going to be keeping that for safe-keeping later.

 

And it wasn’t just that day either that Fenris had succumbed to his desires. Seeing Hawke, fucking Hawke, had become a regular occasion. One that remained regular for almost two months now, and Hawke was beginning to get the feeling that... perhaps there was something more there than just sex and playful flirting. He wanted to get to know Fenris outside of just the bedroom. He wanted to drive him somewhere and spoil him, buy him flowers or some nice, expensive wine. He knew it was tricky, given the situation, but there was always the chance that Fenris would be open to it as well. I mean, it had been almost two months.

So, he mustered up the courage to send a text.

_“Hey, what are you doing tonight?”_

Fenris saw the text and raised his eyebrows. It wasn’t like Hawke to phrase things so casually. He was usually more up front about what he wanted to do to him, enough to get him in the mood. It had also only been a day since the last time.

_”ur askin after last nite? u have 1 hell of an apetite”_

Hawke frowned a little. Of course he would assume he had meant it like that. He quickly typed his reply.

_“No, it’s not like that. I was actually wondering if you might be interested in going out to dinner with me.”_

That made Fenris falter. He stared the phone. Hawke wanted to… go to dinner with him? Like a date? He couldn’t. If things got serious, he was going to have to tell him the truth. This wasn’t the plan. He didn’t know what to tell him, he didn’t want to make him upset. It took him a little while to respond and then he just sent a simple:

_“sorry. i cant.”_

Hawke felt his heart sink as he stared at the words on the screen, as if doing so would reveal their true meaning to him. He wished Fenris had given him more of an explanation, even if it hurt to hear it: A “I don’t want to be romantic with you,” or a “I’m busy,” would have sufficed but “sorry. i cant.”? What did he do with that? He swallowed the lump forming in his throat and instead of responding he locked his phone and set if off to the side, figuring he might as well try and find some other way to spend his night rather than moping.

Fenris waited a little while to see if Hawke would respond but there was nothing. Not even an ‘okay’. Had he done something wrong? Would Hawke ever want to talk to him again? Maybe this was how he got out of this relationship. However, he couldn’t help but feel… upset.

 

About a week after that, around the time that Fenris usually texted him for his propositions, Hawke had just returned from work at the gardening store and he plopped down on the couch, not even bothering to get undressed. He wondered if Fenris would text him or not. He was still having mixed feelings about their last conversation, perhaps this would shed some light on it?

Fenris was debating whether or not to contact him. He would very much like to have him over again, but with the way things had been left last time, he didn’t know how appropriate it would be. There had been no messages between them since Hawke had asked him out. He figured he would give it one shot.

_“lonely in this bed on my own. id like the company”_

It was of sexual nature, clearly, but Hawke was still happy to see it. Perhaps he could surprise Fenris when he came over? He thought it over for a moment, bringing some wine and take out with him, keeping it in the car until the time was right. If he saw Fenris’s reaction in person, perhaps it would really tell him whether or not Fenris felt the same. He smiled to himself.

_“You know how much I love accompanying you ;)”_

_“ill b waiting”_

Well, the response was a good sign. Perhaps he hadn’t ruined things after all. Hawke still wanted to come over and have sex with him at least. Hopefully he had caught the hint not to suggest anything more romantic than that.

Hawke arranged his plan, dressing a little nicer than usual, wanting Fenris to see him at his best, after all, before the inevitable that would result in him, well, not looking his best. He put the food and the wine in the back of the car, planning to get it out before they had sex if at all possible in order to surprise him, but he would just see how it would go and play it by ear.

He showed up at the front door, knocking as usual and leaving the gifts behind in the car for now, playing it cool, as if he had nothing up his sleeve.

At the sound of the knock, Fenris came rushing to the door. He suddenly felt underdressed when the front door swung open and he was greeted by the sight of Hawke. Truly, he was dressed nice for a booty call. What was he up to?

“Hello,” he said.

“Hey,” Hawke chirped, smiling as he leaned his shoulder up against the door frame. “Wow, you haven’t ravished me as soon as you opened the door. This is a change.”

“I was taken aback by how well you clean up,” Fenris hummed. He approached him so he could lace his fingers in his collar and pulled him into the room.

Hawke happily let himself be guided, grinning unconsciously.

“I know it must seem pointless considering that you’ll have me undressed in moments but a little shift in the rhythm never hurt anyone,” he said casually. Here it was, the set up. He dreaded that Fenris would miss the cues entirely, that he would move to just getting Hawke undressed, to touching him and kissing him until he couldn’t speak. That would make trying to do this really... awkward. He didn’t want that.

“I suppose not. You didn’t need to go to all this effort for me,” Fenris replied, running his hands down Hawke’s chest and meeting his eyes. Seeing him like this made his heart race in ways it didn’t when he usually turned up for sex. “If there is something you would like me to dress up in next time let me know, I could arrange something for you.”

“I’ll definitely keep that in mind, but, you know, before we get to the more primitive events of the evening...” he began, a little smirk playing on his lips as he looked down at Fenris and rest his hands on his hips. “Would you be interested in a little take-out and wine?”

Fenris couldn’t help but laugh a little. It was an interesting way of asking, he’d give him that. He had no idea that he was being deadly serious. So, he hooked his thumbs in his belt loops and tugged him closer. “And you for dessert, I suppose?”

Hawke felt his expression falter and his heart plummet into his stomach. Fenris thought he was.... joking. He felt so heartbroken. If there were any indication at all where Fenris’s feelings lay, it was that moment. He wanted to push Fenris away, he wanted to leave, but he didn’t. He remained, looking between them and then up at Fenris’s face, smirk returning as strong as ever.

“Exactly,” he murmured. “You read my mind.”

At that, Fenris chuckled and pulled him in for a kiss. He didn’t want to admit that the idea of going out somewhere with Hawke to dine would be nice, but he knew he couldn’t do it. Any feelings he currently held were repressed in the back of his mind.

When they were finished with each other for the night, Hawke found himself feeling... empty. He lay on his back beside Fenris, looking up at the ceiling in thought. Why was he in this situation? How had he found himself here, in this dark place, with this man? He couldn’t even fathom it.

“Are you okay?” Fenris asked, turning on his side to look at Hawke. He was going to have to ask him to leave soon, but he couldn’t help but feel slightly worried at the blank expression on his face.

Hawke didn’t look at him. He only closed his eyes and nodded.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he said as he sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and grabbing his shirt from the floor, pulling it on over his head.

“I’ll text you later,” Fenris said, watching him dress. It was always sad to see him leave but he knew he had to go. There could be no risks taken of them being caught by Danarius.

“Yeah,” he replied stiffly buttoning up his jeans and pulling on his socks. He started to head towards the bedroom door, not saying another word as he led himself out.

Something was definitely wrong. Hawke didn’t usually look that solemn, but he couldn’t place it. Maybe he was just having a bad day? Either way, Fenris had to push himself out of bed and go through with the usual routine.


	5. Disaster Struck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke won't return his messages, and Fenris's grief leads him into trouble but perhaps towards the truth too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's still sunday in some places, right?
> 
> anyway, a big ol' warning for this chapter containing the graphic violence and attempted/implied attempted rape/non-con.
> 
> enjoy!

Over the next few weeks, Hawke did not contact Fenris at all. Every time he texted him, he didn’t respond. He was admittedly a bit depressed over the whole thing, knowing he’d allowed himself to be manipulated by Fenris. He wouldn’t let himself be manipulated anymore. He refused. He deserved better than to be used like that, he told himself. Even though he definitely missed him, more than he liked acknowledging.

Fenris was feeling similarly. He kept texting Hawke in hopes he would respond but he got nothing. What was he going to do? This was what Isabela had wanted, for him to cut ties, but he couldn’t. Maker forbid, he might’ve had feelings after all. He had to get over it, but he kept finding himself checking his phone anyway.

Hawke was at home, presently, laying on his bed with his dog, Buddy, idly scratching him behind the ear as the Bachelorette played on the TV. He was hardly paying attention, lost in his own thoughts. He glanced at his phone on occasion, clicking the home button to see if he had any more texts from Fenris. Not that he planned to respond, but just to see what he would say.

Fenris stared at the stream of texts that he’d sent Hawke. None of them had a reply. Perhaps he needed to step up his game, do something to provoke a reaction, even if it was just that he wanted to end their relationship. He took a picture of himself, naked except for a shirt that covered just enough to tease him. He focused less on his face and more on his long legs, bare thighs.

 _“miss u. thinkin of u”_ was what he wrote with it.

Hawke could hear his phone vibrate and he looked over, frowning as he took in the sight of the pictures. Why did he have to look so good? He was as just trying to manipulate Hawke again. That’s all it was. He just wanted more sex.

 _“Stop blowing up my phone, please.”_ was what he sent back, leaning into the pillows of his bed with a huff.

No explanation? Fenris frowned at his phone. He sent a few more texts but got no response. As he stared at his number, he took a deep breath. There was probably a good chance he wouldn’t pick up if he called him, but it was worth a shot.

When Hawke saw his phone light up, Fenris’s ID flashing on the screen, he huffed. He couldn’t just avoid this forever. If Fenris wouldn’t take a hint, Hawke would just have to spell this out for him. He grumbled under his breath as he answered the phone, not giving in right away.

“What?” he said stiffly.

“Do you not like me anymore? You can say yes, I’d just like to know,” Fenris said. He laid back on his bed and waited for an answer.

“That’s a hard question,” he said with a little scoff. “Do I like you? Yes. I do. Do I want to keep having sex with you? No. I don’t.”

Fenris swallowed roughly at that blunt answer. Hawke was always an honest man though, he supposed. He should’ve expected this. “Why… Why not?”

“Because I like you,” he said. He bit his tongue, not wanting to snap, but he could feel himself getting so close, as if he were truly battling himself rather than Fenris.

“I… don’t understand,” Fenris replied. What did that mean? It didn’t make any sense. If he liked him, why _didn’t_ he want to have sex with him?

“Listen, Fenris. I’m only gonna say this once,” he snipped, feeling all his self-control slowly slip away from him. “I like you. You don’t like me. You’ve made that fairly obvious. I’ve expressed my interest in trying to have a relationship of value with you, because I like _you._ You’ve pretty directly expressed that you don’t have an interest in that because the only thing you like about me is my cock. Does that sound accurate so far, or am I just spewing hot air?”

Fenris fell silent for a little while. Hawke wanted a relationship. He wanted to _date_ him. This was what Isabela had warned him about, she’d been right all along about catching feelings and getting attached. A part of him wished he could agree to a date, right now, but he couldn’t.

“Hawke it’s… complicated,” he said.

“Complicated, my ass,” Hawke gave a cynical laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. “Having sex with you, Fenris, when I know all you see in me is a piece of meat makes me feel empty inside. I have too much shit on my plate, I’m not dealing with that. I don’t want that for my life. If you want someone to come over and fuck you when you’re lonely, you can find someone else to call, I’m not doing it.”

“I see…” Fenris said. The sinking feeling in his gut was finally settling in. Having sex with him made Hawke feel bad, likely the same way he felt when he had to be intimate with Danarius. It might have felt good while they were having it, but the emotional weight was far too much.

“If that’s all you wanted to talk about, I’m laying back down,” Hawke huffed. “Goodbye, Fenris.”

Buddy was whimpering nonstop, pressing himself up against his owner and licking his face. He knew when Hawke was sad, better than any human who knew him did. Hawke sighed and pet his head. He would meet someone, he told himself. Someone worthwhile. But somehow, he couldn’t help wishing that person had been Fenris.

When he’d hung up, Fenris simply stared at the phone. This isn’t how he wanted things to end. All of this was his fault, he knew that, but he couldn’t help but feel an ache in his chest. Maybe he owed it to Hawke to give him an explanation. The next day he would head to the gardening store and seek him out. He could use some new seeds anyway.

 

True to what he’d told himself, Fenris arrived at the gardening store the following day. He’d put the seeds he needed into his basket and then went looking up and down the aisles for Hawke. Today would be the day.

Hawke was at work, as usual, stocking some of the shelves. He had dark circles under his eyes, and it was clear he hadn’t slept. His hair was slightly tousled, like he couldn’t have been bothered to shower that morning. His beard was in desperate need of a trim as well. All around, he was a mess.

“Hawke?” Fenris called out to him when he saw him. Finally. He picked up the pace, walking towards him in order to get his attention.

Hawke lifted his head up when he heard the voice and when he saw Fenris he visibly tensed, glaring at him before he turned back towards the shelf and continued to keep stocking.

“What do you want?” he huffed.

“Can we talk?” Fenris pressed on, even though he flinched at the aggressive body language from Hawke. It was clear that he was angry at him.

“We talked last night,” he replied stiffly, not looking at him as he worked, the boxes thudding loudly as they were dropped on the shelf.

“I know,” Fenris replied, recalling the way Hawke had hung up on him. He swallowed roughly as he moved closer to him. “But I still want to talk.”

“I’m trying to do my job, Fenris,” Hawke growled, shooting him a glare. “I suggest you get whatever it is you needed and go.”

“Please Hawke, hear me out,” Fenris said. His heart hammered. He reached out to touch him, just to grab his arm lightly in hopes it would assure him that he was serious.

“I don’t want to hear you out, Fenris,” he huffed. “I’m done with this. I’m over it. So please leave me alone and let me do my work. Some of us have bills to pay.”

He knew the words were cold, and he shouldn’t have said them, but it was too late to take them back. Fenris stood there, eyes wide, as Hawke turned and walked away from him. He didn’t have the heart to chase after him, not when he knew he didn’t want him to.

Hawke was trying his best not to turn around and apologize, a part of him yearned for it, but he pushed it down. He didn’t need Fenris, he told himself. He was just fine without him. He began stocking a different shelf, feeling incredibly trapped and alone. More than anything, he just wished things had been different. That Fenris was a different person, that somehow this could be easier, but it wasn’t. And he had a feeling it wasn’t going to get better.

Without another word, Fenris paid for the items in his basket and left the store. He resisted the urge to text him, to tell him he was sorry. Hawke had carved a hole into his heart and he’d given him the knife to do it. If only there was a way for him to fix things, to make him listen. He headed home and spent the rest of the day in the garden, hoping that taking care of it would soothe his sadness.

 

Danarius returned later that evening, heading out to the garden to find Fenris, he had this little smile on his face, running his fingers through his husband’s hair fondly as he passed. He looked so adorable bent over, working in the earth like this.

“Your garden is coming along impressively, little wolf,” he cooed. “I feel a need to reward you for doing so well. Especially when you’re wearing those precious shorts of yours.”

When Danarius touched him, Fenris felt a twist of disgust in his stomach. Maybe it was because he was upset, he wasn’t sure. Either way, it felt like tiny little needles against his scalp.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, knowing that Danarius was waiting for a response.

"Why don't you come with me upstairs, love? We can draw you a warm bath, free you from the sweat of a hard day's work," he cooed, continuing to pet his hair as he stood above him, asserting his dominance just with his presence.

“A bath sounds pleasant,” Fenris said, glancing at him. That was true, but he had a feeling Danarius didn’t intend to leave him alone in the hot water.

"Doesn't it? Head upstairs and I'll meet you," he leaned in to kiss Fenris on the crown of his head before he parted from him, walking back into the house with the pace of movement comparable to a spider.

Fenris sighed and finished up in the garden, wiping his muddied hands on his shorts. In the distance, the sun was setting, illuminating his work with a warm orange glow. He admired it for just a moment, before heading into the house and upstairs to the bathroom.

Danarius was there waiting for him, bath water already drawn, and he sat on a stool beside the tub dressed only in his red, silken robes. He smiled warmly at his husband, holding his hand out to him. "Come here, my love. I've got everything ready for you."

“This is nice,” Fenris mumbled, looking at the steam coming off the bath water. He didn’t hesitate to pull his shirt off but then hesitated when he got to his shorts. “Is it okay for me to get in?”

"This is for you, little wolf," he said softly. "Of course I want you to get in the water."

Fenris nodded and peeled his shorts and underwear down off his hips so he was naked. He dipped his foot into the hot water to test it before humming at the warmth. Just the right temperature. Emboldened, he sat down in the bath and sighed.

Danarius smiled, reaching over to pour some shampoo on his fingers as he began to wash Fenris's hair for him, massaging his scalp in the process with a smile.

"Are you comfortable, little wolf?" he asked quietly.

“Yes,” Fenris said. He was suspicious of Danarius’s behaviour. There was nothing he did that wasn’t self-serving. What did he want? He supposed he’d find out soon enough. For now, he’d just enjoy the pleasant massage that came with the rubbing of shampoo into his hair.

"Good," he hummed. As he finished his hair and rinsed it out, Danarius rose to his feet, shedding his robes and letting them fall to the floor. The tub was large, easily large enough to fit them both. Danarius had no shame about allowing himself in, sitting down behind Fenris and wrapping his arms around his waist as to pull him into his lap. "I want you to be very comfortable, little wolf."

Of course, he should’ve expected he’d join at some point. Fenris simply nodded and allowed him to settle behind him. He hoped that they’d clean up and then go to bed, to sleep. With everything that happened with Hawke, he didn’t think he could handle anything more than that.

Danarius, however, had other ideas. He roved his hands over his husband's wet body as he washed him, exploring his chest and then his thighs. Soon, something warm and hard was rubbing up against the small of his back as Danarius trailed kisses down his husband's neck.

Fenris couldn’t repress a hitch in his breath at the touches. He swallowed down his panic, eyes daring back to look at Danarius. It had been too good to be true after all. He put his hands around the wrists that were caressing his thighs and quickly pulled his legs together.

“Um. I’ve been working out in the garden all day, I’m tired. I’m not… really in mood,” he said.

Danarius's smile turned into a frown very quickly, and he glared at Fenris. If looks could kill, Fenris would have fallen under the bath water and drowned.

"You're _not in the mood?"_ he asked with a mocking tone to his voice, grabbing his wrists harshly. "I spoil you upon my return home with affection and a warm bath, and this is how you receive me?"

“I’m sorry, I’m… I’m not,” Fenris said, looking down. He made an attempt to wiggle his wrists out of his grasp. He didn’t want this, he didn’t. More than anything, he wanted to be a thousand miles away from this bathtub.

"You will _do_ your _duty_ to your _husband,_ little wolf," he snapped, pinning Fenris back against the wall of the bathtub and causing water to splash out all over the floor. He slapped Fenris across the face, harder than he'd ever hit him before and his grip was leaving dark marks on his wrist. "Have you forgotten your vows to me?"

Fear flickered in Fenris’s eyes. Everything he’d been taught up until now told him that he should submit, give in, especially now his cheek was stinging. But he didn’t. Isabela taught him to own himself. He’d break free, if it was the last thing he did.

“Let go of me,” he said, yanking his wrists out of his grip and panting a little as he made a move to get out of the bathtub.

Danarius snatched Fenris by the hair as he attempted to leave, yanking him back and not hesitating to let his head bounce off of the wall as he did so, grabbing his wrists and pinning them above his head.

"Disobey me one more time, little wolf," he warned, grabbing his cheeks with his free hand and pinching them together harshly, holding his face still. "One. More. Time."

“And what?” Fenris asked. The spiralling pit of regret filled him as soon as the words left his mouth. He’d never had the courage to speak out against him until now.

Danarius's face turned bright red with rage. He struck Fenris again, right across the face as his other hand grabbed a hold of his throat, gripping it tightly, cutting off his air flow. He flipped Fenris so that his chest was on the edge of the tub, bent over it like a child bent over his father's knee. He twisted one of Fenris's arms behind his back, so far that he could have broken it should he choose to. He struck him across the ass this time, hard.

“You disobedient _whore,"_ he snapped. "I can't believe I've wound up with a husband like you. I should have left you to rot. You don't deserve to live in this estate. You don't deserve to be as spoiled as you are."

With every word, he struck him again, and again, and again. His back side slowly becoming bright red, and in some places, dark purple.

Humiliation burned in Fenris’s cheeks. His head hung in shame, unable to stop tears from silently rolling down his cheeks. He bit back any yelps at the pain, focusing on the sting of his teeth in his lip than the hand striking him. Every time he squirmed, it only tugged on his arm. He truly felt helpless.

When Danarius was done, he was tempted to take him, just to show him who he belonged to, but he had something else in mind. He yanked Fenris to his feet, grabbing his clothes from the ground and his robe, pulling it on as best as he could in the rush.

"You are a worthless, filthy slut, and you're _lucky_ to have married someone like me," he snapped, dragging him through the living room and toward the front door. "Without _me_ , little wolf, you are _nothing._ "

He swung open the door. It was pitch black outside, the sun having already set since this commotion began, and some stars twinkled above in the distance. He shoved Fenris out the door, giving him only his bundle of clothes that he'd worn that day as the cool breeze rushed over his naked skin. It rustled his robes as he glared down at him, pure rage and disgust written across his features.

"Learn the cost of your disobedience, little wolf, and do not forget it," he hissed. "Return when you've recovered your sense of discipline. Next time, I will not be so forgiving."

And, just like that, the door was slammed in his face and locked. However, Danarius maintained eye contact with Fenris from the window as he turned towards the kitchen, grabbing the shovel from against the patio door frame and heading outside, towards his garden.

Fenris stood there in shock for a moment as he watched Danarius walk away with the shovel through the window. It was obvious what he was going to do, how he was going to dismantle his garden that he’d worked so very hard on. He tried the door, just in case, but it was definitely locked. It was then he remembered his own nudity and quickly pulled on the clothes he’d been given. They were dirty from the work and the shorts would do nothing to protect him from the cold. It was going to be a rough night.

It was clear from the dirt that Danarius was covered in when he entered that the garden was now totally destroyed. He approached the window to meet Fenris's eyes one last time, holding a flower in his hand that had been forcefully torn from the ground, roots and all. He smashed it against the glass of the window, smearing the dirt and the flesh of the flower petals against the glass for Fenris to see before he finally turned away, turning off the living room lights and leaving Fenris alone in the dark.

All of his hard work was gone, just like that. Fenris rubbed at his eyes, feeling the tears still bubbling there. He wished someone was here to tell him he was better than this, that he deserved more. But alas, he was alone. To his surprise, more so than anyone, he found himself wishing for Hawke. He took a seat on the porch and winced, but it was better than standing. Even if he begged, he doubted that Danarius would let him back in tonight.

Danarius felt little guilt about throwing him outside as he showered, cleansing himself of dirt and blood from striking Fenris as much as he had. He knew Fenris had learned his lesson, it was only a matter of time before he returned as patient and obedient as he had been before. He couldn't help but wonder, though, just _what_ had inspired him into such rebellion. Nonetheless, it was over now. He could rest at ease knowing he'd done the right thing.

Fenris spent the night out on the porch. In conditions like these, it was inevitable that he wouldn’t get much sleep. He’d tried to wipe away the blood from his nose, his face throbbing as he leaned against the floor. It likely wasn’t even worth it.

 

The next morning, Danarius left for work stepping over Fenris as if he weren't even there, not paying him so much as a glance as he climbed into his car, driving away and down the road without so much as a word to him. The front door still locked, and Fenris still left utterly to his own devices.

Fenris tried the door one more time in hopes that something might have suddenly changed now Danarius had left the house. However, he was left with nothing. He was stuck. No phone, no money, no access to food or water. What was he going to do? Isabela would have been his first choice, but he had no way to contact her and he didn’t know where she lived. Besides, it was likely a bad idea with her husband around. And the only other person he’d spoken to was…

Hawke.

He didn’t want to talk to him, he knew that, but this was a desperate situation. It made him realise that he didn’t know where he lived either, but at least he might be able to find him at the gardening store, so he made his way there.

Hawke was there, of course, having just clocked into his shift for the day. He hadn't stopped thinking about Fenris. So much so that he hadn't slept the night before whatsoever. He'd stewed over it, over what he'd said, about Fenris trying to talk to him at work. He felt so conflicted, but he was so _tired._ He didn't want to fight this war with himself anymore. He just wanted to move on. He wanted to forget this happened and just keep his gaze forward. However, he couldn't seem to stop looking back.

If only things were different. Fenris wished he could have started over with Hawke, said yes to a dinner date, see how things went. The sex was good, but he always enjoyed the cuddling afterwards. He wanted to be with Hawke, more than anything else. But even despite his current circumstances, it was last night’s events that drove him to try one last time to fix things. This time, he’d make Hawke hear him out. He went searching up and down the aisles like last time until he found him.

“Hawke,” he called out.

Hawke tensed up again when he immediately recognized the voice. Why couldn't Fenris just leave him alone? Why did he have to keep chasing after him like a _ghost?_ He wanted to _move on._ More than _anything_ he wanted to move on. Why the fuck couldn't he get that through his thick skull?

He turned to face him, opening his mouth to say something angry, something cruel, but then he caught sight of his state, the dark circles under his eyes, the bruises on his throat, his cheeks, his wrists. His nose had some dried blood caked along the nostrils, and he looked... _God,_ he looked like he'd just crawled out of Hell.

His face went from rage to concern, softening instantly.

"Holy shit—" he breathed, eyes widening in shock and horror. "What—”

“I know you don’t want to see me or talk to me but please, I beg you, let me at least explain everything to you,” Fenris pleaded, meeting his eyes. He hadn’t been able to look in a mirror to see the full scope of his injuries, but from the stares he was getting from people, it must’ve been bad.

"Christ, Fenris, just- hold on one second, shit," he reached out to touch him but hesitated, gesturing for him to wait there as he rushed to the front desk to get his manager. He told him that his friend had been injured in a terrible accident and that he needed to get him help right away. His manager was fine to let Hawke go, giving little fuss as he walked away, returning to Fenris. "Do you need a hospital? I can take you to a hospital."

“No, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. All I want is to talk to you, somewhere… private, preferably,” Fenris said. His nerves were catching up to him, lips trembling. He had to spill everything but now he was here, he couldn’t be more nervous.

"You can come to my house. My car is parked right on the curb out there, c'mon," Hawke gestured for him to follow as he walked out the door in a rush, unlocking the car with a click of his keys and opening the passenger door for Fenris before he climbed into the driver's seat himself.

Fenris nodded and climbed in the car, strapping himself in and then burying his hands in his pockets, staring out the window as they drove back to Hawke’s place. He wondered what it looked like, how big it was. From what he knew about Hawke, he didn’t have much money. But anywhere sounded better than being locked outside on the porch of his own house.

Hawke arrived at his house soon enough. It was rather small, a one-bedroom, one-bathroom place he'd gotten after he'd dropped out of college. It was nothing compared to Fenris's house. There was the sound of a dog barking that could be heard from outside as Hawke lead Fenris out of the car and to the front door.

"Hold on a sec," he sighed, pushing into the house and past his giant mabari, wagging his tail and barking happily. He was joyful beyond measure to see his master and the new friend he'd brought. Hawke escorted him away by his collar, however, locking him in the backyard with a huff. "Alright, come on inside. It's fine now."

Stepping inside, Fenris looked at his surroundings. It felt cramped but that was to be expected when he’d spent all of the life he could remember in a mansion. He helped himself to a seat on the couch and looked up at Hawke.

Hawke pulled off his work vest and tossed it to the side. He grabbed some water from the kitchen, bringing it to Fenris as he sat down in the loveseat across from the couch he'd chosen, leaning his elbows on the arm, clearly stricken with concern and confusion for Fenris's state.

"There," he said a little breathlessly. "So... would you tell me what the fuck happened to you? I mean- I apologize for being so frank but you..." he paused, looking him over again. "You look like you've been through hell and back."

Fenris huffed and took a sip of water from the glass, then placed it down on the coffee table.

“I should start from the beginning,” he said.

This was it. He rolled his wedding ring off his finger, luckily Hawke hadn’t noticed it earlier. Then he placed it in Hawke’s hand.


	6. Discoveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris tells Hawke about Danarius and the accident. Discoveries are made about the truth of Fenris's situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are! the conversation, finally, and some new things revealed :P but don't worry, this story is far from over.
> 
> enjoy!

Hawke looked down at his palm, observing the ring and then he felt his heart racing. So... he was married? That explained the house, that explained why Hawke always had to leave so quickly. He observed the band in his palm and turned it slowly, his frown deepening.

"You're... married?" he questioned. "But... aren't you like... in your twenties? I... No offense, but I thought you were younger than me."

“I’m 31. I’ve been married for 6 years,” Fenris said bluntly.

It was an expensive ring, fancy, but that meant nothing to him. He didn’t want expensive things at the cost of being at Danarius’s mercy.

"Thirty... one...?" Hawke stared at him blankly. "I never would have guessed that... but that's neither here nor there. So, you're married. You're not happy in your marriage, or else you never would have started to sleep with me, a younger man. But... what does that have to do with... with this?" he gestured to Fenris's state, still holding the ring in his hand. "I don't understand."

“My husband is… a cruel man. He does not love me, and I was a fool for a very long time thinking that he did. He makes me do whatever he wants, beats me when I do anything he doesn’t like. He once forced me to have sex with a man who desired me because it would further his business interests. The sex we have is dull, sometimes painful. I didn’t realise it could be anything else until…you,” Fenris said.

"So... he did this to you?" Hawke concluded, looking from the ring to Fenris's face. He had already known that the answer was yes, but he just wanted to hear Fenris say it.

Fenris paused and looked down. “…Yes. I was upset about you, about the way we left things. When my husband came home, he wanted to have sex with me. I told him I didn’t want to and… this is what he did to me. I thought he might force himself on me anyway, but he didn’t. He locked me out of the house instead. I slept on the porch and… come morning, I didn’t know what to do.”

"Fenris... I—" Hawke said, licking his lips and looking down. "I... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation and that this is what's happening to you, but I don't know what you want me to do."

He couldn't meet his eyes, he only looked down at the wedding ring in his palm.

"I'm sorry your husband treats you this way. It's horrible. I would knock all his teeth out of I could. I'd never let him hurt you again but—" he paused, sighing as he looked down at the ground. "I still don't... I don't want to have sex with you just to give you a momentary escape from your pain. Call me selfish but I just... I can't. I want to help you. You can even stay here, if you want. Until you figure something out. I won't just leave you out in the cold but...”

“I know you don’t, I just had no one else to turn to. I don’t want to be in this relationship Hawke, but I have nowhere to go, I don’t know anything else. I-I don’t know what to do,” Fenris stammered, his hands forming into fists on his lap.

"What do you mean you don't know anything else?" Hawke asked. "You've been married for six years but you had a life before that, surely."

The statement itself was very confusing to Hawke. The accident hadn’t been spoken of in a long time. Fenris didn’t think he’d ever have to speak of it again.

“I was in an accident when I was 25. It left me with retrograde amnesia, I can’t remember anything about my life before then. My husband was there when I woke up, he’s told me everything I know. We were engaged at the time of my accident and… I decided to follow through with the wedding several months after I woke up,” he said.

"He just... happened to be there when you woke up?" Hawke blinked. All of this sounded really fishy to him. He didn't like the way it made him feel. "What about your family? Did they come to the hospital to see you? Did they come to your wedding?"

“He’s a doctor. And no… I can’t remember any of my family. My husband told me my parents are dead and that I have a sister I’m not on good terms with. I don’t know anything about her and I’ve… never tried to get in touch. Never thought about it,” Fenris explained.

"So... the only person who knew you before the accident that you've been in contact with since the accident is your husband?" Hawke said, putting the pieces together in his mind.

Fenris nodded. “I don’t have friends or… anything. He is all I’ve ever known. Because of his wealth, I have never had to work, I remained in that house day in and day out.”

"I... have you ever thought about... about whether or not what your husband told you when you woke up is true?" he asked, meeting Fenris's eyes.

When he said that, Fenris pressed his lips tightly together. He didn’t like the thought of that, the idea that his entire life had been a lie. There was a chance that Danarius may have been manipulating him this whole time, but to what degree?

“Why would he lie?” he asked.

"To make you his," Hawke said. "Obviously that's what he's done this whole time. He's conditioned you to be his slave. Don't you think his timely arrival at your hospital bed could be just... a bit too convenient? If you knew this man long enough to marry him at one point in your life, wouldn't you have seen this sort of monster in him?"

Fenris buried his head in his hands. He didn’t want to think of it like that. Could it be true? Had everything been a lie, manipulated to suit Danarius? How could someone do that to another person?

“I don’t know Hawke,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about that anymore if it’s too much right now. I understand,” he said softly. “Do you want some clean clothes to put on? Then maybe some food?”

“I’d… like that. Can I use your shower?” Fenris asked, peeking out from his fingers slowly. These clothes were dirty, he hadn’t eaten in a while. Hawke was doing a generous thing given all that had happened between them.

“I only have clothes that are mine so, they won’t fit, but I can get you something more suitable later,” Hawke said. He led Fenris down the hall to his bedroom, pulling some drawers open and grabbing a shirt and some sweat pants. “Here, and my bathroom is just over here. C’mon.” He took him to the bathroom just across the way, showing him how to turn it on before he finally said. “If you need anything, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

“Thank you,” Fenris said.

Once Hawke was gone, he began to undress. When he stepped in the hot water, he winced a little at how it felt on his raw wounds. He cleaned himself up, noting that he was going to smell like Hawke’s soap by the end of this, and then stepped out to dry off. The clothes Hawke had given him really were huge on him, but he did his best to make them stay on his body without looking too ridiculous. He padded back to the kitchen and peered inside.

Hawke had started cooking some pasta for Fenris, leaning a hip against the counter as he stirred the noodles, unaware of Fenris’s presence. He seemed to be in his own realm of thought, as if the events of the day were sticking with him just as much as they were with Fenris. He didn’t know what he was meant to do. How he was meant to help. This whole thing seemed to be such a mess.

“Smells good,” Fenris said, walking over to Hawke and looking past his arm to see the noodles he was cooking. Given that sex was off the table, he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to thank Hawke for doing all this for him.

“Thanks,” Hawke said with a sigh, shoulders relaxing a little as he made Fenris a plate, holding it out to him. “Here, I don’t know when you ate last, but I hope this helps.”

“Yesterday afternoon,” Fenris told him, taking the plate. He sat down with it and began to dig in. Hawke was a pretty good cook, he noted.

Hawke sat down across from him with a plate of his own, trying to ignore the rage that stirred in him when he heard Fenris say that. Instead he didn’t meet his eyes, staring down at his pasta.

“I’m sorry for the way that I treated you,” he said with a huff. “I know I was angry, I had a right to be angry, but I didn’t have a right to treat you that way and make your bad situation even worse.”

Fenris shook his head as he swallowed down another bite. “You didn’t know. I shouldn’t have lied to you about my situation. It’s… not typically the sort of thing I do.”

“I figure you assumed that you knew I wouldn’t sleep with you if I knew you were married, which is a natural thing to assume,” he said with a shrug. “And I know so little about you that you could have effectively lied to me about any aspect of your private life that you chose to.”

“My husband doesn’t suspect anything as far as I know,” Fenris said. He looked down at his noodles. “I’m sorry for putting this all on you. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“You had no one else to go to, I understand,” he said. “I... thought about it while you were in the shower. I have a friend who’s a lawyer, and he might be able to help you deal with your... situation. More than I can.”

“I will admit, I worry about what he’ll do if he finds out I’ve told people about him. I don’t know how good your lawyer friend is but my husband is beyond rich. If we were to go against him in court, there’s no way we’d win,” Fenris said.

“You’d be surprised. I’m confident saying my friend is one of the best lawyers in Thedas,” Hawke smiled confidently, his eyes twinkling a bit. “He can make any jury putty in his hands. If I tell him about your situation, he can hook you up with a place to live, posing as one of his tenants, and you’ll be well taken care of until the trial is over.”

“I couldn’t possibly thank you enough for this, you know. Is there anything I can offer you in return for your kindness?” Fenris asked as he finished off his food.

“Not really. There’s nothing I could ask of you,” he said easily. “I’m helping you out of a bad situation. You don’t need to thank me for doing the right thing.”

“I would like to though. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you,” Fenris said. He put his cutlery down on the plate and sighed. It’d felt good to eat something, he felt more revitalised.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Hawke said with a small smile. “I’m gonna call my friend about all this and see what he has to say. I’m sure you’re tired after sleeping outside. You can have my bed for now, it’s not... your bed but it’s better than concrete.”

“I have been saying it a lot today but _thank you_ ,” Fenris sighed.

He hoped that Hawke’s lawyer friend really could do something about this whole situation. It seemed too good to be true, but he could hope for now. Worst comes to worst, he’d just have to go back to Danarius and beg on his knees for forgiveness.

“You’re welcome,” Hawke replied, giving him a small smile as he took their plates away. “If we’re lucky, I can have him here sometime this afternoon and you two can talk face to face. For now, just get some sleep.”

“Before I go,” Fenris said, standing up and lightly taking hold of Hawke’s arm. “I just want to apologise if I ever made you feel… bad about yourself. I shouldn’t have kept pushing you. You are a kind man, Hawke, and you deserve much better.”

Hawke’s heart raced at the words and he swallowed, nodding a little and not meeting Fenris’s eyes.

“I forgive you,” he said quietly, not meeting his eyes. He knew it would be too hard for him to right now, given everything that was going on and all the conflicting things that he felt. “Consider it in the past.”

Slowly, Fenris let his hand slip away from Hawke’s arm. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach. Hawke was far too good for him. He nodded at him and slipped back to the bedroom where he got under the covers to take a much-needed nap.

Before Fenris could really settle in to sleep, though, Hawke rushed upstairs to open the bedroom door, leaning in and calling towards Fenris.

“Hey, before you pass out,” he said. “What’s your husband’s name?”

“My husband? Danarius Magister,” Fenris replied, pulling the covers up to his chin as he looked at Hawke. “You know where he lives.”

“Got it, that’s all I needed to know,” Hawke said with a nod. “Uhm... sleep well.”

He gave an awkward smile before he ducked out of the door way and back down the hall, closing the door behind him.

Fenris figured he was likely going to go pass that information off to his lawyer friend. He didn’t have to think about that for now though, he could think about it when he woke. So, he rolled over in the bed and let his eyes fall shut.

 

Over the course of the day, Hawke had a long, detailed phone call with Varric Tethras, his best friend but also, consequentially, the best lawyer he'd ever known. Varric went on an investigation, sending Hawke texts and phone calls to check up on information with him as he searched. By the time dinner time came, Varric was asking to come over with everything he'd gathered, and Hawke welcomed him. He'd poured wine for everyone and prepared some food, and he snuck back into the bedroom to knock on the wall, hoping to wake the other man up.

"Fenris?" he said. "My friend will be here soon. You should get up."

“Mmkay,” Fenris mumbled from under the sheets. He sat up slowly in bed and rubbed his eyes. He’d needed that sleep. Once he was fully awake, he pulled himself up and went to find Hawke.

Hawke was waiting downstairs with a glass of wine in his hands, a plate of food in his lap as he spoke with a short, stout man who sat in the loveseat. He had strawberry blond hair tied in a knot at the base of his head, and chest hair that curled out of his collar, a golden chain twinkling from within the nest. As Fenris came down the stairs, they both looked up at him and Hawke shuffled over to free up some couch space beside him. He gestured to the plate of food and wine waiting for him on the coffee table.

"Hey, I made you some dinner," Hawke said. "Varric, this is Fenris, the one I told you about over the phone. Fenris, this is Varric Tethras, the best lawyer you'll ever meet."

"You flatter me, Hawke," Varric laughed, looking to Fenris. "It's good to meet you, Fenris."

“You too,” Fenris said with a polite nod towards Varric. He walked over to collect the food that Hawke had left out for him and tucked in.

"Whenever you're prepared for it, Fenris, I've spent the day today doing some research to attempt to build... a bit of a bare-bones of your case," he said, pulling out some folders and setting them on the coffee table. "It might be a lot for you to swallow. Which is why I told Hawke to get some alcohol. You'll be happy to have it here in a minute."

"Okay. Well, I can tell you as much as you need," Fenris said, taking a deep breath.

He didn't like the sound of this, forced to go over every little detail of his horrible marriage. Just thinking about it was making him nervous. He reached for the glass of wine Hawke had prepared for him and took a long sip.

"No, no, you don't need to tell me anything more than what Hawke's told me, not yet anyways," Varric said. "Your testimony is going to be the least important thing to the jury. As far as they know, you could be full of bullshit. I wanted to show you some of the facts that I found, some evidence I dug up we can use in your case, but I want you to see it before you tell me anything else. To see if it... well, if it's believable to you."

Fenris looked dubious but he nodded anyway. What could he have possibly found that pertained to him? Or maybe it was about Danarius?

"So, you were married for six years, correct? And you were in a car accident six years ago, and you can't remember anything before that?" Varric asked as he opened up one of the folders and flipped through it.

“Yes. I was told I have retrograde amnesia from brain trauma in the accident. I was in a coma for a week,” Fenris replied, recalling the information.

"Well, hold on to your wine and have it ready, because I've got a lot right here," he said, giving a weak laugh as he got out several papers and laid them out on the coffee table before them. "Here, we have a news article from six years ago about a horrible car accident involving a teenager. There were a couple of articles I was looking at, but Hawke said that this one seemed the most promising. You can look at it. Look at the picture of the kid that was in the accident too. Is that familiar to you?"

Hesitantly, Fenris took the article and looked at the photo next to the text. The boy in the photo had dark skin, jet black hair, and a pair of striking green eyes. They weren’t identical but Fenris couldn’t help but feel like he and the boy in the photo looked very alike. His eyes shifted to the text. It took him a little while to make sense of it but he got there eventually.

Car accident six years ago. Comatose in the hospital he had been in. But this boy’s name was Leto and he was 16 at the time of the crash.

“I… Everything adds up but… I don’t understand, what does this mean?” Fenris asked.

"It means your name isn't Fenris. It’s Leto," Varric said carefully, meeting his eyes. "Not long after the car accident," he continued. "All of the doctors and nurses that tended to Leto's care while he was in the hospital were relieved of their positions at the hospital. Leto's family reported that their son died in the crash, however, there are no records in the morgue in Kirkwall nor in the hospital that such death ever occurred. I have information about a funeral that was held, but no one but your family ever claimed to have seen the burial. The funeral was closed casket, which no one questioned. You were in a horrible car accident, after all.

"I looked in the hospital records and anything pertaining to a patient named Leto only exists on the data bases of the computers. The people I called in the hospital didn't have anything on file about Leto. When I asked them about Fenris, though, that did bring up a few documents," he got out some more papers, laying them out beside the others. "Fenris, admitted into the hospital the day after Leto is said to have passed away. Twenty-five years old, all forms of identification reported to have been lost in the crash. His only emergency contact, Danarius Magister, the owner of the hospital and the man formally in charge of everyone there."

Fenris fell silent as he took this information in. Even though the truth was being pieced together, it was a lot to take in. He took another big swig of wine as he tried to make sense of everything.

“So, you think Danarius manipulated all of this to… what? To marry me? He somehow convinced my family to pretend I’d died and hand me over to him as a… a 16-year-old?” he said.

"I'm assuming so. That's where all of this information is leading me, but, I didn't contact your family. I have their information, but I wanted to talk to you before I did anything. This is _your_ life, after all," he said.

“My family? Are my parents alive? Danarius told me I had a sister, is that true?” Fenris asked, suddenly more interested. It was one of the things that had always bothered him.

"You do. Your mother died not long after the accident, but your sister is still alive. Her name is Varania,” Varric confirmed.

"So... you can just call his sister? Right now?" Hawke asked, looking bewildered by all of this information. Not as much as Fenris but shocked nonetheless.

"Yeah, I could," Varric said slowly, nodding his head.

“I’d… I’d like that. To speak to my sister, if that’s possible,” Fenris said.

This all seemed so surreal. So, Danarius hadn’t lied about his sister, but he’d also said that they weren’t on good times. It was likely he just told him that so he wouldn’t contact her, right?

"Of course," Varric said. "Here, let me call her, and if she answers, the phone is yours, okay?"

He typed in the number from his notepad, holding the phone up to his ear. Hawke looked between Fenris and Varric with baited breath, not sure what to do in this situation or how to act.

"Is this Varania Alarith?" he said, looking down at his notes. "Yes, hello, my name is Varric Tethras, I'm a lawyer in Kirkwall. I was wondering if you had a moment to talk?" There was a silence for several moments, Varric listening intently to the other line. "I know this situation is probably delicate, and I'm sorry to bring this up, but I have someone here who would like to speak to you. His name is Fenris Magister, but I believe you know him better as Leto Alarith. You'd like to speak to him as well? Oh, of course, sure. That's exactly why I called."

Varric put the phone on speaker, holding it towards Fenris for him to take.

"You're on speaker, for the sake of this case," he said.

"That's fine," the voice on the phone said. "I just want to talk to Leto."

“Um. Hello,” Fenris said into the phone once he took it. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to her, but hearing her voice made his heart race. This was his sister, he reminded himself. “Varania, was it?”

"Oh my goodness, _Leto,"_ the woman's voice breathed with a tone of surprise and relief at hearing his voice. "I am so, so sorry, Leto. I never thought I'd hear your voice again. You sound so... you sound so grown up." She seemed to be choking up from the other line. "I'm so sorry for what happened to you. We had no choice, Leto."

“You had no choice? What do you mean?” Fenris asked. He hoped that his sister would give him some answers to the questions that remained about what had happened to him.

"When you got out of the accident, Leto, you weren't going to make it," she said slowly. "You needed an operation that we couldn't afford. The man who ran the hospital spoke to us and said that he'd forgive the bill for the operation if we... if we..." she choked, clearly fighting tears as she recalled the memory. "If we gave you to him."

Fenris swore he could feel his heartbeat in his throat. So, it was either hand him over to a complete stranger or let him die? He wasn’t sure how he felt about the choice they made. In a way, he felt like he was better off dead. They never bothered to try and contact him after he left the hospital, no concern for his safety. All they did was just… accept that they’d never see him again but he’d be alive.

“So… you did. You gave me to him,” he said.

"We had no choice, Leto. You would have died," Varania insisted. "Mother and I thought that it was better we have a son and a brother that was alive, though we would never see him again, than him being dead."

“… It is hell being with him, Varania,” Fenris said quietly. People having to make these sorts of decisions for him made him feel ill.

"What do you mean?" she replied, confusion to her tone.

“He married me the May after I woke up. He lied to me about who I was, my age, my name, my family,” Fenris said. A lump filled his throat, it pained him to have to speak of this. “He keeps me at home, beats me, forces me to do things I don’t want to do, or to do them with people I don’t want to.”

"Leto... I'm sorry. But how were we supposed to know that this would happen? Do you think that we considered that your husband might be abusive or do you think we considered that you might be _alive?"_ she stressed.

“I just wonder what you were thinking giving a 16-year-old over to some… middle-aged man, thinking everything would be okay. How letting me die would’ve made a difference if you’re weren’t going to ever see me again anyway,” Fenris replied.

"Aren't you fighting to get away from him now?" she argued. "Isn't that what all of this is about? If you had died, that would have been it for you. Only sixteen years of your life and now you have potential. You suffered, and I'm sorry that you did, but if your lawyer wins your case then you'll be free. You'll have a life. One that you wouldn't have ever had if we'd done otherwise."

Fenris’s fingers curled into fists. He knew that she had a point, but he didn’t deserve what had already been done to him. Isabela told him so.

“Even if we win, it won’t undo the damage. I’m irreversibly changed. I’m not Leto anymore,” he said.

"We're all changed, Leto," Varania said stiffly. "I was homeless when mother died, and where were you? Living in some fancy mansion with a rich man, with food on your plate and a roof over your head. You didn't have to... to do the things that I had to do to survive. You were clean, you had access to baths, to nice clothes. You slept with clean men who owned sports cars and wore tuxedos and cologne. I would have given anything to have been in your shoes. Anything."

Now his fists were shaking. How could she say something like that? Tell him that she wanted to be in his position? It was a fate worse than death.

“I wish you could look me in the eye right now and tell me you want this,” he said, voice trembling with frustration.

"Good luck with your court case, Leto," she hissed, her tone turning just as aggressive towards him as his was towards her. "I hope everything goes well."

Then, she hung up the phone with a click.

Fenris tossed the phone to one side on the sofa and grabbed the wine to down the rest of the glass. He remained quiet as he aggressively began eating the rest of the food that had been made for him.

"I'll... come back tomorrow to go over the rest of this," Varric said, exchanging glances with Hawke. "I'm sorry for how this went." He nodded towards the both of them as he took his phone back and packed his suitcase. "Catch you later, Hawke."

And with that, he disappeared out the door, and the two were left alone. Hawke reached out to touch Fenris's shoulder.

"Hey—" he said. "Do you... want to talk about it?”

“How could she say something like that? She sold me out to Danarius as a 16-year-old boy, I told her all of the abuses I suffered at his hands and she… she has to nerve to tell me she wanted to be me, I don’t understand,” Fenris said.

"She doesn't know what it's like to be you," Hawke said softly. "She was probably so caught up in her own suffering that she pinned you as the cause. She probably blamed you for her mother being dead, she blamed you for having to be a prostitute to survive, at least... I think that's what she was implying. She probably thinks that being a prostitute was harder than being married to someone who hit you. She had no idea how bad it actually was."

“I thought that talking to my family would… help, give me some kind of comfort. But I guess not,” Fenris frowned and stabbed into his food.

"Hey, you don't need them, Fenris. They're the ones that sold you to Danarius anyways," Hawke said, trying to meet his eyes. "Once Varric goes through with this case, and you get your divorce and Danarius is in jail, you can get a family of your own. You'll have freedom. You can get a job, get a pet, make friends."

“The idea of that doesn’t seem real,” Fenris mumbled as he took another bite of food. He focused on chewing rather than the anger he felt towards his family and what they’d done to him.

“But it is,” Hawke insisted. “I’ll even be your friend. I can help you find a job so you can pay rent for the apartment that you’re gonna get and you can start a new life.”

“What do I do until then?” Fenris asked, meeting Hawke’s eyes.

Danarius would no doubt come looking for him in a day or two, especially when he notices he is no longer waiting around on the porch to their house.

“You can... stay here,” Hawke said. “Or you can stay in one of Varric’s apartments. I don’t care either way. I just don’t want you to feel like.... you’re trapped in someone else’s house all over again. I mean, my dog would like to have someone to hang out with, but it’s probably too risky for you to get a job until the case is over.”

The idea of living alone was so far beyond Fenris. He’d always had company and the idea of no longer having it was… scary. If everything went well, he’d likely have to get used to it one day anyway but until then he would avoid it.

“I would… like to stay here, if possible. I don’t think I could handle being on my own. I’ll sleep on your couch, don’t… worry about accommodating for me,” he said.

“Well, thing is, the couch is usually where I pass out anyways,” he said with a sheepish smile. “You’d be better off to take the bed. And, if you want, I can pay you for being here with my dog so that if anyone asks, we can say you’re my dog sitter.”

“If you’re sure,” Fenris replied. He finished off the food and sighed, putting his cutlery down. “I would not be opposed to you joining me in the bed,” it was then he realised the weight of his words and his cheeks went pink. “Not… like that. Strictly platonically, I… forget it.”

“I think the independence would be more helpful,” Hawke said with a smile, clearly not offended by the statement, if anything he seemed a little amused. “Thanks for reiterating that, but I doubted you were still trying to get in my pants after everything. I knew what you meant.”

Fenris took a deep breath and leaned back against his seat. At least there hadn’t been any offense, he supposed. “Do you have any more wine?”

“I do, hold on,” Hawke rose to his feet again to grab the wine bottle from the kitchen, coming back and handing it to Fenris. “Just drink as much as you want. You probably need it at this rate.”

“Thank you,” Fenris said, thinking about how he must’ve said that a hundred times today already. He took the bottle and poured a glass so he could sip it this time, rather than down it in a fit of frustration.

"My dog probably wants to come back inside since it's getting dark. You don't mind, do you?" he asked, turning towards the back door and putting his hand on the handle. "If you don't like dogs we can... figure something out, I guess."

“I haven’t had much contact with animals. Danarius has a cat called Anders but he… doesn’t like me at all. I am willing to try and befriend your dog though,” Fenris said.

"Oh, Buddy likes everyone," Hawke assured him with a big, proud smile. "You won't have any trouble there. C'mere, boy! C'mon inside."

Tumbling into the house with a loud clatter of paws against polished wood floor and a massive creature stumbling clumsily over himself as he moved, a massive dog rushed into the living room out of Hawke's control, leaping onto the couch beside Fenris with his little tail wagging so hard that his whole back end would wag.

"I'm sorry! He gets really—"

It was too late, Buddy had nuzzled his big head against Fenris's shoulder before he raked his big, wet tongue over his cheek.

"Excited." Hawke finished, fighting a laugh at the sight.

At first, Fenris was a little taken aback by the large dog, but at the lick on his cheek, he could feel himself smile. It was wet and gross but… genuinely affectionate. He didn’t have any experience with dogs but he could assume what the right thing to do was.

“Hi Buddy,” he said as he reached up to scratch behind the dog’s ears.

Buddy danced back and forth on his front paws and pushed his head up into the touch, still wagging his tail violently with happiness as Hawke returned and sat down on the couch beside the two of them. Buddy plopped down to turn away from Fenris and lick his owner on the cheek as well, making Hawke laugh.

However, the dog was quick to turn back to his new friend, laying down with his head in his lap, tail wagging never ending.

"See, what'd I tell ya?" Hawke laughed as he sipped his wine. "He loves everyone."

“It’s a pleasant surprise,” Fenris said, taking another sip of wine and then putting his glass down on the coffee table. He continued to pet Buddy, admiring his soft fur and the way he seemed to contentedly nudge his nose against his thigh.

"Well, not _everyone,_ he can be surprisingly protective," Hawke continued. "My uncle tried to hit me once. Not that it would have hurt me or anything, but Buddy wouldn't have any of it. If Buddy picks you as one of his friends, he won't let anyone so much as shout at you as long as he has a say in it."

“That’s reassuring,” Fenris nodded.

If Danarius did happen to find him here and came for him, there was a chance that Buddy might leap to his defence. He _was_ a rather big dog and his bite likely hurt like a bitch.

"Especially since you'll be home with him for a while. Buddy will practically be attached to your hip," Hawke chuckled. "I hope you're prepared for that."

Fenris smiled down at Buddy, giving him another scratch behind his ears and chuckling when he let out an excited bark. The size of him was fitting given how tall Hawke was, but it was likely intimidating to anyone who didn’t see this side of him. At least, he was a little frightened when he saw him charging towards him.

“I think I could get used to this,” he said.

Hawke couldn't help but smile upon, hearing the words, watching the two of them with a twinkle to his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. Saying instead: "I uh... I'm going to take a shower. The remote for the TV is there and you can make yourself at home. If you need something just... holler."

“Okay,” Fenris nodded. He helped himself to the TV remote and began flicking through channels until he found something okay to watch. Then he picked back up his glass of wine and leaned back against the couch, one hand petting Burger, the other holding his wine.


	7. Settling Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Danarius meets his fate, Fenris settles into a new life. One that he's decided he might like Hawke to be a part of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are again with another chapter, as it is sunday after all. im sure this chapter will be satisfying for a lot of you :P
> 
> enjoy!

Over the days that Fenris had spent at Hawke's, Danarius became increasingly aware of the fact that Fenris had not yet come crawling back to him. He'd contacted the neighbourhood watch for some sign of him, and he was said to be spotted at a gardening store a few blocks away. Danarius was infuriated. Where could Fenris have gone that would be better suited than his own home? Who could he have possibly gone to? He had to investigate. He would find that rotten whore and bring him home, whether he liked it or not. And, as long as he had a say, he would never step out that door again.

Presently, it was Hawke's day off. It was Fenris's third day of living with him and they'd settled into a bit of a routine. Hawke was showing Fenris The Bachelorette, and the two of them were watching it together with Buddy between them, a bowl of popcorn sat on his back that they both picked out of.

"Has Buddy given you much trouble when you stay at home with him?" Hawke asked to make idle conversation as the commercial break began.

“No, he’s been well-behaved. Aside from occasionally trying to jump on the kitchen counter when I’m trying to make food,” Fenris said. It had been strange living at Hawke’s house but he was growing more used to it. He had no obligations and yet he found himself cooking and cleaning anyway.

"Yeah, he's bad about that," Hawke chuckled, scratching him on the head. "I appreciate you cleaning up the house for me and cooking like you have been, but, you really don't need to do that. You're not my—"

He held his tongue, not wanting to say “house wife”.

“Believe me, it’s no trouble at all. I am used to doing it and… I don’t know, it feels wrong to sit around your house all day. Besides, it’s the least I can do since you’re letting me stay here,” Fenris shook his head.

"If you insist, but I'm never gonna ask you to dust my shelves," Hawke said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder as he said it. "I'll cook dinner today, to make up for it."

“If you wish,” Fenris smiled slightly at him and the hand on his shoulder. It made him feel warm inside, tingles spreading from his fingertips, but he couldn’t place why that was.

Hawke smiled at him, feeling this urge that he couldn't place. He left his hand on his shoulder for moments longer than necessary when he heard a loud banging on his front door. He frowned, turning his head towards it as Buddy let out a low growl.

"Calm down, boy," Hawke cooed, soothing his dog as he moved the popcorn to the coffee table so the dog wouldn't make a mess of it. "I'll get it."

Fenris watched as Hawke walked to the door to answer it. He took a handful of popcorn from the bowl on the coffee table and popped it in his mouth. Hawke didn’t often get visitors so this was unusual. He was sure that Hawke felt the same way.

Hawke opened the door, resting his shoulder on the door frame as he looked over the middle-aged man on his porch, noting his prim and proper suit and tie and his long silver hair, tied up behind his head.

"Can I help you?" Hawke asked, narrowing his eyes at him.

"I believe you'll want to let me inside," the man said stiffly, looking Hawke in the eyes even though he had to look up to do so. "Else the authorities will arrive, and they will not be as polite about their entrance as I am.”

Instantly, Fenris recognised the voice of the man at the door and he froze. Of course. Danarius was bound to seek him out eventually. He didn’t know how he found out where he was but obviously, he used every resource he could to find him.

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about so, no, actually, I don't want to let you inside," Hawke said firmly, squaring his shoulders and looking down at him with a frown.

"You have no right to speak to me that way as my husband's kidnapper," he growled. "I will see you rot in a penitentiary for the rest of your days for what you've done."

"Scream at me all you want and make your threats. I'm not letting you in my house," Hawke repeated, unfazed by his words.

Danarius frowned, and there was a sound of the click of something metal on his side and Hawke stiffened as the muzzle of a pistol was pressed to his forehead.

"Let me in or this will get much, much uglier for you," he snapped. Hawke looked in the corner of his eyes at Fenris before he closed them, lowering his head and stepping back so that Danarius could enter.

"Good boy," Danarius purred, tucking the gun back into his belt and concealing it with his coat as he stormed into the door, seeing Fenris on the couch, tucked up in this man's blankets with a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Rage flared in his eyes, a look determined to kill as he marched over and snatched Fenris by the hair, pulling him up so that his back was bent over the back of the couch, nearly falling off. "You wretched whore—"

Hawke was not about to allow himself to sit back and watch this. He stepped forward to punch Danarius, to show him exactly what he thought of him but he was beaten to the chase. Buddy lunged up from the couch and tackled Danarius to the ground with the force of his weight, sinking his teeth down into his forearm.

Fenris gasped as he was released, standing up and taking a few shaky steps back. Everything had happened to quickly and he was still shaken. Buddy had… come to his defence? He blinked wildly at the scenario before him, Buddy growling as he bit Danarius. Slowly, he lifted his head to look at Hawke.

Hawke grabbed his phone to call the police, rushing over to Fenris to wrap his arm around his shoulders and hold him protectively close.

"Buddy! Down!" Hawke shouted, and the dog obeyed immediately, releasing Danarius with blood coating the fur around his muzzle, his eyes flaring as he continued to growl, stalking away obediently towards his owner. Danarius turned on his side, clutching his arm in pain as the gun from his side slipped out. Upon closer inspection, Hawke could see that it wasn't a real gun at all. It was plastic, a children's toy.

Every instinct in his body told him to go over there and kick him, to rub in the damage, but Fenris held himself back. Hawke didn’t need any more trouble. He leaned against him, letting him hold him close. While his arm was around him, it was a good restraint.

Once Hawke had gotten off the phone with emergency services, he released Fenris only for a moment to grab a pan from the kitchen counter, the one used to make the popcorn, striking Danarius over the head with it and watching with unexpected pleasure to see him fall unconscious after the blow. Hawke sighed with relief, letting it clatter to the ground. He looked back over to Fenris and approached him, taking his shoulders in his hands.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Fenris said. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. For the first time in his life, he felt… protected. Once he thought Danarius would do that for him but then he’d given him over for another man to use. He shook away the thought and looked up at Hawke.

"Okay," Hawke said with a sigh, though it was clear by the look in his eyes that he was still worried. He ran his fingers through Fenris's hair for a moment, just a moment, before he released him once more. "Come on, we should probably clean Buddy up. He's a bloody mess."

Fenris didn’t break eye-contact until Hawke turned away. The fingers in his hair had felt… surprisingly good after what had just happened. He didn’t know why he was so drawn to Hawke but every little touch was making his heart race. Instead of lingering on the thought, he followed Hawke to help clean up Buddy. He deserved it after what he’d done to protect him.

Buddy's aggression had simmered down when the two of them came around to take him to the bath. As the police arrived to take Danarius away, Varric arrived as well, listening as Hawke and Fenris laid out in perfect detail everything that happened.

Within days, Danarius was brought to court. Varric won the case with flying colours, making Danarius's lawyer look absolutely foolish. The jury declared that since Fenris's marriage had been made without his proper consent, the marriage had never truly been legal. So, in the eyes of the law, it was as though Fenris had never been married at all. Danarius was sentenced to prison for fifty years or more, longer than he was bound to survive in such an environment. To see him put in hand cuffs and dragged out of the court room was easily the most satisfying thing Hawke and Fenris had ever seen in their lives.

But now, they were left with the aftermath.

Varric had told Fenris that he had a job lined up for him, as well as an apartment of his own if he was willing to take it. Fenris had said he would think about it, but that was almost three days ago now. Over a week since Danarius had first broken into the house. Hawke and Fenris were sitting across from each other that morning with coffee in their hands, sitting in silence as the sounds of the early morning sang outside.

"So... how do you feel?" Hawke asked, looking over at him, setting his coffee down on the table.

“It still hasn’t quite settled in yet. It was hard enough wrapping my head around me being 22 and not… over 30, but all of this has flipped my world completely upside-down,” Fenris said, looking down into his coffee cup.

"I can only imagine," Hawke sighed. "But he's gone now. That's what matters. That part of your life is over. So... this is sort of your chance to begin again."

“You’re right. I owe Varric many thanks for how he fought for me. I cannot believe that we won. I know that morally we should have but… it was still surprising,” Fenris confessed. He took a sip of coffee and sighed. This was not the direction he expected his life to go.

"His thanks was seeing the look on Danarius's face when the jury declared him guilty," Hawke chuckled. "Varric is a good man. As long as you and I remain friends, he'll take that as thanks enough. He probably figures I might bring you up to the bar with us to gamble some time. He loves a good game of Wicked Grace more than most things."

“I… might like that,” Fenris said. It did sound nice, if a bit intimidating, to go out and live freely with friends. No husband to dictate who he hung out with, how he dressed. He was… a free man.

"It's a lot of fun," Hawke assured him with a smile. "But... it does make me think. Won't we want to... go to the house sometime soon and take out everything there that's yours? I mean, your phone, your clothes?"

“Oh, that’s a good point. We’ll need some boxes and—” Fenris paused. His phone. Isabela. He was going to have to tell her the good news. “My phone. I definitely need my phone as soon as possible.”

"Want to do that today?" Hawke asked. "I can drive you up there as soon as I get dressed."

“Yes, please,” Fenris nodded. He finished off his coffee and took his and Hawke’s empty cups to the sink to wash them up. “Just let me know when you’re ready to leave.”

"Alright," Hawke nodded, leading Buddy out so that he could be put in the back yard as Hawke then disappeared into his room to put on some proper clothes. He was gone for only a few moments as he grabbed his keys and opened the front door for Fenris. "Let's get going, since it's a little bit of a drive."

Fenris got into the car, strapping himself in, and the two of them drove back to his old house. He’d almost forgotten how vast it was when he laid eyes on it. Once they pulled up, they made their way inside and Fenris had to take a deep breath. The last time he’d been here was when Danarius had attacked him. His garden had been dug up and ruined no doubt but even if it hadn't, his plants were likely dead from how long they’d been left. He wanted to see it for himself so he walked out the back to see the damage.

Hawke followed him out curiously, but he felt his heart sink when he saw the wreckage left behind. Pots shattered, plants ripped from the ground and torn apart. Baby trees broken in two as if over some one's knee and soil scattered everywhere he looked. He inhaled sharply.

"Fenris... I'm so sorry," he said softly, not sure how else to react.

It was heart-breaking to see. Fenris hadn’t expected to react so strongly to the sight. He’d spent so much time and care on this garden. Ruined. And for what? He shook his head, not wanting to look at the mess any longer and walking away from it. This wasn’t his problem to deal with anymore.

“I’ll make a new one somewhere else,” he said.

"Maybe in the back yard of the flat that Varric is offering you?" Hawke suggested. "I could help you get it started. And... actually _help_ this time."

“I’d like that,” Fenris said. It would be much smaller than this garden but that didn’t matter. If he was going to be working, there would be less time for him to maintain it anyway.

Next, he headed upstairs to the master bedroom. He rifled through some things before he found the secret hiding spot where he’d hidden the phone Isabela gave him. Thank God it was still here. Danarius hadn’t found it. He turned it on and quickly checked for messages.

It was absolutely full of them. Messages crowding up the lock screen.

_"what's up, sweetheart? ;)"_

_"how are you? I didn't see you at the party Luis had, did you get in trouble? is everything okay?"_

_"Danarius, if you found this phone, I want you to know that I gave it to him. so kiss my ass."_

Fenris couldn’t help but laugh a little at the messages. Isabela was a good friend to him and he felt bad that it had taken him so long to get back to her. Everything had happened so fast and he needed time to reassess everything. Now it was time to type up a text.

_“hey its fen. a lot has hapend. danarius went 2 jail, did u hear? wud luv 2 meet up over cofee soon, let me know wen u can :)”_

Hawke saw the smile on Fenris's face and he leaned his shoulder up against the door frame.

"What is it?" he asked.

A new text came within moments.

_"I heard Luis say something but I didn't know if it was true!! are you okay? how soon can we meet up? Luis is home but I don't give a fuck I'll leave and come see you right now!!!!"_

“This is a secret phone, one a friend gave me, that I used to text you. Danarius monitored my other one,” Fenris explained. He looked down at the reply that Isabela had sent.

_“dont get urself in truble 4 me. but if ur insistant then we can meet at the usual place. Ill b bringin a friend.”_

_"it'll be fine. I'll meet you there. is this the friend with the big dick? ;)"_

The reply came and Hawke nodded respectfully. It only made sense that he would have a secret phone. He supposed it was good that, in the end, Danarius had never found it.

 _“yes it is. c u soon”_ Fenris replied to the text and looked up at Hawke.

“Before we start packing things into your car, do you think we could take a trip to the café down the street? I told her I would meet her. She has no problems with you coming as well. An extra cup of coffee couldn’t hurt,” he said.

“Oh- yeah, sure,” he stammered. Fenris’s friend? He didn’t know what to expect from that and he was a little nervous. “We can go. Your friend... the one who gave you this phone?”

“Yes. Her name is Isabela, she is… a little much, but I like her. Much like I was, she is married to an asshole, but she never… submits like I did. She is the one who convinced me to take some revenge on Danarius, told me to cheat on him. So I did,” Fenris explained. He tucked his phone in his pocket and walked out of the room. “Let us go. We can come back for the rest of my things later.”

“If you say so,” Hawke sighed, following Fenris out and back to the car. He was admittedly a little nervous to meet this friend of Fenris’s. He wasn’t sure what she would be like, but he supposed he was about to find out.

 

When they got there, Isabela was waiting for them in one of the booths, waving them down when she spotted them. Hawke felt incredibly nervous as he approached.

“Fenris! Bring your hot friend and come over here!” she shouted, grinning wide.

Fenris took a seat at the booth and motioned for Hawke to join him. It was good to see Isabela again, she looked in as good shape as always.

“Isabela, this is Hawke. Hawke, this is Isabela,” he said, gesturing to each of them.

“Hawke... so... what are you two? Or, well, maybe I should ask about the Danarius thing instead. Tell me what happened with that first,” she said firmly, looking from Hawke to Fenris. “And, for the record, he is so much hotter up close.”

“Uh. Thank you?” Hawke blushed bright red, not sure how to respond, only making Isabela laugh.

It made Fenris smile too. Isabela was as bold as ever. It was nice for the tense air to be lifted. He leaned his arms on the table and began to explain everything, from how Danarius had beaten him and he’d gone running to find Hawke, to how Varric had nailed the court case and put Danarius away.

“Fenris, you’re making me the proudest friend in the world. But also, I’m very jealous. Maybe I can get your friend Varric to take care of Luis while he’s at it,” she chuckled, eyes gleaming with interest. “Danarius got what he deserved. And now, you really are free. But what does his mean for you now, sweetheart? What’s next?”

“Varric says he’ll set me up with a place to stay and somewhere to work. I admit I am nervous about living alone, I have been living with Hawke ever since Danarius kicked me out of the house,” Fenris said, leaning on his hand. “But… Varric is a good lawyer. We could really try and get Luis put away too you know. Seriously.”

“I have my own plans for Luis, doll, you don’t need to worry about me,” she said with a wave of her hand. “I’m happy that you’re getting your own place. But... back to my first question then. What about you two?”

Fenris’s cheeks faded into a faint shade of red. It was a good question. What were they? Before they were just… fuck-buddies, he supposed, but now they no longer had sex. So what did that make them?

“Just… friends, I suppose,” he said.

“Oh, I see,” Isabela raised an eyebrow at the two of them but kept her opinions on that to herself. “Well, can I get you any coffee or something while you’re both here? Maybe some muffins?”

“I could go for a blueberry muffin. What about you, Hawke?” Fenris turned his head towards Hawke and nudged him lightly with his elbow.

“Uh yeah, that sounds good,” he said awkwardly with a smile. Isabela smiled back, though it was more of a smirk.

“I’ll be back in a sec,” she cooed, winking at them both as she rose and sauntered away, swishing her hips as she walked to the counter, momentarily leaving them alone.

Fenris tried to study Hawke’s expression but he was hard to read. He wondered what he was thinking, whether he wanted to desperately get out of here or not. “Sorry. Isabela can be a bit much.”

“It’s okay, she’s charming,” Hawke said with a smile. “But she... did make a valid point. I... still feel the same way I did, Fenris. If you don’t look at me that way and you never have, that’s fine. I just want to know if I... have a chance, I guess. After how I treated you when everything happened.”

“Hawke I… I know I avoided that sort of relationship with you, but you have to understand why I did. It had no reflection on how I felt about you, I just couldn’t, not without telling you the truth,” Fenris explained. “I like you. Far more than I should have then and… I’m not sure how comfortable I am jumping straight back into anything like that after everything that happened. However, I don’t want us to stop doing things together. If you’re still interested, maybe I could get a rain check on that offer to go to dinner?”

“That’s what I was asking about. Not about sex or anything like that. I just... yeah. Dinner sounds good,” he said with an awkward smile, a little glimmer to his eyes as Isabela returned with the muffins, looking between them suspiciously.

“Here you are, hope you boys didn’t miss me,” she chirped.

“Thank you,” Fenris said, taking the muffin from Isabela and taking a bite. This café always did the best blueberry muffins. There was something about them that he was just never able to recreate. Maybe it was something to look in to later.

Hawke thanked her as well, and the three of them made idle conversation until they’d finished eating and Hawke smiled.

“It was good to meet you, Isabela,” he said.

“You too, babe,” she cooed. “Text me later, sweetheart. I wanna see your new place.”

She gave him a wink and a smile before she departed, winking at one of the guys at another table as she went out.

As she departed, Fenris waved at her. Then, he turned to properly face Hawke. “I suppose we should be going too. I would like to move as much of my stuff out of that house as possible. It shouldn’t be much, I didn’t have many possessions. It’s mostly just clothes.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. And... we can talk about dinner on the way?” Hawke asked, meeting his eyes with this sheepish, almost child-like look of hope on his face.

“Yeah,” Fenris nodded. He rose from his seat before he could embarrass himself in a public place with talk of their dinner date and headed out to the car where they would drive back to Danarius’s estate and collect his clothes.

As they drove, Hawke awkwardly cleared his throat and looked over to him.

“So, when would you want to do this?” he asked. “I’m assuming you want to wait until you’re settled into your new place.”

“Yes. I’d like some time to… adjust to everything that’s going to be changing. But we’ll keep in touch, won’t we?” Fenris said, looking over at him as he drove.

“Of course,” Hawke assured him. “I’ll be here, and I can wait as long as I need to.” He looked ahead towards the road, pulling into Fenris’s driveway. “Here we are.”

Fenris nodded and climbed out of the car. He made his way back into the house and headed straight for the bedroom to collect his clothes. There was no point taking anything else, it didn’t belong to him. The garden was ruined and nothing else mattered to him. He put some of the clothes in Hawke’s arms for him to carry.

“That’s about it,” he said, with his own arms full of clothes.

Hawke nodded, following him out to the car to pack the back seat full of the clothes.

“Want me to take you to the apartment at Varric’s?” he asked. “Might as well if you’re just gonna head that direction soon enough anyways.”

“Sure, that sounds good,” Fenris nodded. He was a bit nervous to see the place he would be living soon, as well as afraid of the prospect of living alone. After everything Varric had done for him, he was in no position to refuse the offer however, and he owed it to Hawke to get out of his hair.

 

Hawke drove Fenris down to the apartment, and over the next few weeks, he’d settled into it pretty well, it seemed. Varric had gotten Fenris a job cleaning at the gym, running the front desk, and things like that. When Fenris was officially moved in, after working at his job for a couple of days now, Hawke decided to send him a text just to check up on him.

_“Hey, how’s it going?”_

Fenris was sat on the sofa when he received the text. He smiled upon seeing Hawke’s name in the notification and he quickly replied.

“ _not bad. jobs ok. still feels wierd on my own tho”_

_"I bet. It's gotta be nice though. It's your own place, you can do whatever you want."_

Hawke remembered the thrill he felt whenever he moved into his house for the first time to live on his own, away from his uncle and his brother. It was a huge blessing.

_“i kno. i bought myself a hole cake and ate it a cuple days ago.”_

When he sent the message, Fenris paused. Should he have revealed such a thing? When he looked down at it, he felt a little embarrassed by it. Well. It just proved he was enjoying his freedom at least.

Hawke laughed aloud at the message though. Grinning as he imagined Fenris sitting on a couch and devouring a whole cake on his own. He deserved it, that's for sure.

_"That's awesome. It's good to know I'm not the only one who does stuff like that."_

_“mayb we can buy 2 and each eat 1 together”_ Fenris text back. Of course, Hawke would never judge him. He found himself laying on his back on the sofa now, smiling up at his phone.

Hawke only continued to smile as he wrote his reply, not even considering that this might be a form of flirting. He was lost in this happy glow.

_"It's embarrassing how quickly I would agree to that."_

Fenris chuckled. He paused with his thumbs over the keyboard as he thought about his next reply. It had been a little while now since Danarius got put away. Maybe, if it were Hawke, it wouldn’t hurt to take things slowly.

_“u still want 2 get dinner sometime?”_

Hawke stared at the text for a long time, feeling his heart race. There was an obvious answer to this question, why was he hesitating? He swallowed, breathing out through his nose as he typed his own reply.

_"Of course I do. Do you have a time in mind?"_

_“mayb 2moro nite? i assume u had a place in mind?”_

Fenris swallowed roughly as he anticipated his response. He was glad that he was still interested, even though he’d made him wait.

_"Yeah, I do, actually. How about 6? I can pick you up?"_

He could feel his heart racing a little with anticipation as he considered all of this. He was actually going to get to go on a date with Fenris for the very first time. He was so excited but yet... so nervous. What if Fenris wasn't all he'd thought him up to be? What if it went badly?

_“sounds gud 2 me”_

This was happening. It was really happening. They were going to go on a date. Truthfully, Fenris didn’t know Hawke that well but this was an opportunity to change that.

_"I can't wait :^)"_

He set his phone off to the side and fought the excited sounds of a teenage boy who'd just got to go to prom with his crush. He just had to see this date through, he told himself. And hope he didn't ruin it somehow.


	8. Dinner Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke treats Fenris to dinner at a diner for their very first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who we are, the fic that updates every sunday, or more likely, monday morning.
> 
> anyway this chapter is a shorter one but i hope you all enjoy!  
> as usual, it's written by me, the-tevinter-biscuit, and chubby-hawke! edited by me too :)

The following day, Fenris spent the entire day thinking about the date. He wondered where Hawke would take him and what it’d be like. He’d never been on a _real_ date before, not one where he wasn’t manipulated by Danarius like a puppet on a string the whole time at least.

Before Hawke arrived, he made sure to thoroughly shower and dressed in his best grey button-up and a pair of black skinny jeans. He didn’t want to be too formal, just in case. He applied a little cologne and stared at himself in the mirror. Hopefully this would all go well.

Hawke had stared at himself similarly in the mirror for an unnecessary amount of time. He'd trimmed his beard, combed his hair out of his face, put on a nice shirt and pants (though the shirt was red plaid, so, it wasn't _too_ formal). He felt tempted for a moment to back out but he knew that wasn't an option. No matter how scared he might be, he had to at least see how this turned out. Perhaps it would turn out well. Who was to say it would be bad?

He cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his short hair one more time before he let Buddy outside for the night and headed out the door. It didn't take him long to drive to Fenris's house but in his mind, it felt like an eternity. He'd even brought flowers, a single rose, actually, just for the occasion. He desperately hoped it wasn't too much. Maybe it wasn't too late to leave it in the car? Well, okay, now he was walking out with it in his hand. He could just toss it over—Wait, wasn't that Fenris's apartment number?

Shit.

He backed up, still holding the rose in hand and he tucked it behind him, knocking on the door and doing his best to prepare himself to see Fenris on the other side.

Moments later, Fenris swung the door open. Maybe he’d been a little too eager to answer but when he saw Hawke, he settled. He could tell the effort he’d made and he looked more handsome than ever. A part of him was tempted to reach out and touch his trimmed beard but he held back, not wanting to seem inappropriate.

“Hawke,” he said. “I recall telling you this once before but you clean up nice.”

"It never hurts to hear it again," Hawke said with a smile. He awkwardly pulled out the rose from behind his back. "I uh... I got this for you. And you look nice too. By the way. Really nice."

God, he was so _bad_ at this.

“Oh, thank you. It’s pretty,” Fenris commented as he took the rose. He smiled, flattered at the gesture. “Are you ready to leave?”

"Uhm yeah, my car's parked just over here," Hawke gestured for him to follow as he led him out to his car, opening his door for him before he let himself into the driver's seat, starting up the engine as Fenris buckled in. He was still unbelievably nervous, especially now that he began to realize how much potential he had to screw this up.

Fenris felt jittery as well. He didn’t know what to expect from all this and it set him on edge. The car was filled with awkward small talk as they drove. Fenris turned to look out the window, curious as to where they were going for their date.

Soon enough, they arrived at this small, rather cosy looking diner. It was the type of place with charming, vintage neon signs out front, checkerboard tiles and classic rock playing on the speakers. It wasn't too nice, but it was quaint, or at least Hawke thought so. Romantic in a cheesy, storybook sort of way. He opened the door for Fenris and held out his hand for him.

"I hope this is okay," he said softly. "I figured you'd rather not go somewhere super fancy, with... all things considered."

“It’s more than okay Hawke, this is… lovely,” Fenris said, looking around. It wasn’t anything too fancy, something that would remind him too much of the places Danarius would take him. He happily took Hawke’s hand in his and squeezed. “Let’s go.”

Hawke grinned, looking down at their hands as his heart swelled in his chest with joy. He led Fenris into the restaurant with him where they seated themselves at a booth with bright red leather seats, white lining around the edge and all sorts of posters of rock artists from the 70's and 80's plastered on the wall. It was a really nice atmosphere, and Hawke enjoyed it quite a bit.

"It feels so nice to be... on an actual date with you," he said, looking up and meeting his eyes. "After I tried to arrange one twice."

He chuckled at the last comment, looking sheepishly at the table.

“Twice?” Fenris asked, raising an eyebrow. He remembered the time he’d asked him out to dinner over text and he’d had to tell him he couldn’t. It was an awkward response, one that didn’t give him much insight, but there was nothing else he could do. He didn’t recall a second time.

“Yeah uh,” Hawke cleared his throat a little. “When I came over that day and I was dressed nice and I asked you if you wanted take-out and wine? I... wasn’t joking. I had brought take-out and wine and they were in my car.”

“And I… dismissed it as a joke. That was the last time we ever… I’m sorry Hawke,” Fenris said, suddenly feeling guilty. He couldn’t imagine how Hawke must’ve felt when he laughed in his face.

Hawke didn’t meet his eyes, recalling the amount of hurt he’d held in his heart since that day, when he thought he’d meant so little to Fenris and yet Fenris had meant so much to Hawke.

“It’s okay, it’s in the past now,” he said as he eventually looked up at him. “And we’re on a date. So it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“That is true,” Fenris said. He reached over to take Hawke’s hands in his over the table. It was a bit of a romantic gesture, but he hoped the sincerity of his words got across with it. “I want to make things right, if we can. I don’t want you to feel like that again.”

Hawke smiled even more when he saw Fenris’s hands wrapping around his, his eyes twinkling with joy.

“I... appreciate that, it feels really good to know that you’ve felt the same way about me all this time,” he said. “You’d be... surprised how many times I’ve been in one-sided relationships.”

“I regret not being able to tell you that my interests lied in more than just ones of a sexual nature,” Fenris said, looking down at their joined fingers.

“I mean... it’s sort of a good thing, right? We’ve seen each other at our worst and yet we’re still here, on this date. I treated you like garbage after what happened and you still wanted to have dinner with me,” Hawke said, squeezing his hand. “So... maybe, there could be something here? But you don’t know me quite as well as I know you.”

He laughed lightly.

Fenris hummed. He made a good point. With everything that was discovered about him, Hawke had learnt most of the details of his past. He couldn’t say the same about Hawke.

“Considering how long we’ve known each other, it feels crazy to be asking this. How old are you?” he said.

“25 turning 26 sooner than I’m okay with admitting,” Hawke said with a smile. “When you said you were 31 it really made me jealous a little bit, because you look much better than I do, so learning that you’re actually 22 was a small, small relief in that sense.”

“You’re telling me. I actually believed I was that old for so long. It does seem to make more sense now, with everybody telling me I looked good for my age,” Fenris replied. It sickened him to think that on some of those occasions, he was just a teenager.

“You still look good, you know. Regardless of your age,” Hawke hummed. “I remember thinking you were easily the most attractive cougar I’d met.”

He laughed at his own joke, grinning from ear to ear.

“Flatterer,” Fenris huffed. _Cougar_. As if such a word could be applied to someone who was really 22 years old. Still, it was the thought that mattered. Hawke thought he was attractive. “You’re not so bad looking yourself you know. I can appreciate a handsome man when I see one.”

Hawke chuckled again at that and his cheeks darkened a little as he looked down at the table.

“It feels nice to be called handsome when your brother typically compares you to a grizzly bear,” he laughed, imagining the tone he’d use in his head now. “Especially by you.”

“No one said being a grizzly bear was unattractive,” Fenris hummed. He let his eyes openly rove over Hawke. The amount of hair he had and his build was a nice change after being forced to engage with Danarius all of these years.

“Hmm... I suppose they didn’t,” Hawke smiled, thinking of saying something witty back in response but he was cut off as the waitress brought them their menus and their drinks, smiling warmly at them.

“You boys need a minute before you order?” she asked.

“Yes, please, thank you,” he replied with a polite smile, watching her go for a moment as he looked at the menu in front of him, momentarily forgetting he had come here for food.

“I suppose we should decide on something to order,” Fenris said. He picked up the menu and browsed over his options before finally settling on something he fancied eating.

“Probably,” Hawke said, looking the menu over. “As non-classy as it is, I think I could go for some chili right about now. See anything you like?”

He looked up at him, meeting green eyes with amber ones.

“I think I’ll have the same as you. We can both be as far from classy as possible,” Fenris said, putting the menu down. He liked his, the casual feel of this date.

“That sounds very, very good to me,” Hawke chirped, letting the waitress know their orders once she passed their table by again. He turned back to Fenris, resting his elbows on the table. “So, aside from my age, what else would you like to know about me?”

He rested his chin on his fist as he met his eyes.

Fenris hummed as he thought about what to ask. There were so many things he didn’t know, it was just finding a place to start.

“You mentioned a brother,” he prompted.

“Mhmm, I did. His name’s Carver, five years younger than me and still in college,” he said casually. “I had a sister too, but she died when I was in high school. Carver is nice, I love him to death even though he can be annoying sometimes. He’s in this phase where he thinks hyper-masculinity and sports are the only things that makes a man attractive.”

“I know of the type. Perhaps he’ll grow out of it,” Fenris said. At least he was on good terms with one member of his family. “Any other family?”

“I think he will, once he gets out of the fraternity he’s in and he gets a nice sweet taste of life,” he hummed. “Living, I have my Uncle Gamlen. He’s a landlord but a really shitty one, and he’s addicted to gambling. I’m a failure in his eyes because his family was rich before my mother married my father, a parolee who worked odd jobs to get by. My dad was the best, though. He died when I was in high school but we were very close. My mother died not long before I met you, and I’m still sorta sitting on that one. She was great until dad died, then she fell off the deep end. She became really abusive and mean, she blamed Carver and I for his death somehow. I just try to remember her for who she was before that. It’s easier that way, y’know?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. You have my sympathies for your loss,” Fenris said, touching a little further up Hawke’s arm. He couldn’t imagine how painful it must’ve been for him to lose his family, never mind talking about it.

“It’s okay. I’ve moved on. I don’t let myself dwell on my grief for too long, I just remember positive things,” Hawke said with a shrug. “I hold grudges for a lifetime, true, but I don’t like being depressed. Besides, I have buddy, I have Varric, I have a house of my own, a car of my own, and right now I have a really hot guy who’s letting me buy him dinner. Plenty of things to smile about.”

Fenris chuckled. He squeezed his arm a little reassuringly.

“I like that about you. Positivity is hard to come across in a man,” he said.

“And I like you,” Hawke returned easily, lacing his fingers through Fenris’s and bringing his fingers up to his lips. “I like how brave and rebellious you are. You’re a really strong person. And I love your sense of humour, it’s surprised me in some of the best ways.”

When the words left his lips, Fenris faltered a little. The kiss on his fingers was a pleasant surprise, but it was the words that left him speechless. He opened and shut his mouth repeatedly a few times before he could get something out.

“Sorry, I…” he began, eyes now downcast. “No one has ever complimented me on something other than my looks.”

“Let me be the first to tell you that there’s much more there to appreciate about you than that,” Hawke said with a confident smile. “And I’m not just saying that for the sake of saying it, either. I mean it.”

Fenris let a smile form, cheeks red. It’s no wonder he fell for Hawke when he was saying things like this. “Thank you… it means a lot to me.”

“Of course,” Hawke cooed. It was soon after that the waitress brought them their food, and Hawke went ahead to take the bill and pay for it so that was out of the way. He was very content to go ahead and dig in, sighing contently at the rich flavour of the chili. Not classy, not in the slightest, but very, very good.

Much like Hawke, Fenris eagerly dug in to the food. It was… good. Better than he expected. The two of them were content to eat in silence so they could fully enjoy all of the flavours on offer.

When Hawke finished, he pushed the bowl off to the side, wiping some of the mess from his mouth and making a sound of contentment. He really wished this date weren’t almost over, though. The idea of leaving after this was sort of making him sad.

“Good?” he asked, looking at Fenris with a smile.

“Yes very,” Fenris replied, also finishing off his bowl and putting it to one side. He leaned back in his seat and exhaled contentedly. This had been an excellent date.

“I agree,” he chuckled, smiling a little. “I have to admit, though, I’m sort of sad that I have to take you home after this. I want to keep talking to you.”

They’d had a nice time. Nothing had happened too quickly, they’d started to get to know each other better. Plus, the food was really good. Fenris knew he was going to have to go back to his place alone and he would miss the warmth of Hawke’s company.

“I feel the same way,” he mumbled.

“Then... how would you feel about... maybe coming over after this and watching a movie or something?” Hawke asked, looking a little hopeful as he met Fenris’s eyes.

“… Just a movie? Why not,” Fenris shrugged. He didn’t want to rush into things, even though it was strange to think about the fact that they’d had sex multiple times before.

Hawke’s eyes lit up with joy. He had no intention of going in that direction whatsoever but watching a movie with him? Maybe a little bit of cuddling? That sounded _really_ good.

“Let’s go then,” he chirped, rising from his seat and holding out his hand. “The bill’s already been paid.”

Fenris pushed himself up and took Hawke’s hand, letting him guide him out to his car where they drove back to his place. He knew that Hawke wasn’t expecting anything from him but it still made him a little nervous.

 

Hawke was excited to have Fenris at his house again, and he was sure Buddy would love to see his old friend. They rode back to his house together, making small talk about the food they’d had along the way. When they arrived, Hawke happily lead Fenris inside by his hand, laughing when Buddy stopped them at the door and jumped up to put his big paws on Fenris’s shoulders, licking his face with joy.

For a while, Fenris had forgotten just how big Buddy was, he could almost topple him over. When he jumped up on him, he chuckled and pet him, scratching him in that favourite spot behind his ears that made his tail wag.

“I missed you too Buddy,” he mumbled.

Hawke got Buddy to get down off of Fenris with a smile, removing his coat and leading him over to the couch where he hardily plopped down, kicking off his shoes and inviting Fenris to join him.

“C’mon,” he said with a chuckle. “Or else Buddy might steal your spot.”

Fenris followed suit, taking off his shoes and joining Hawke on the couch. He pulled his legs up and waited for Hawke to set up the movie of his choice.

“Do you have any preferences?” he asked, looking over at Fenris as he flicked through a selection. He was tempted to wrap his arm around him as he sat at his side and hold him close but he decided to hold back on that. He’d let Fenris make the first move in that sense, so he knew for sure he’d be okay with the contact.

“Danarius didn’t really own movies, I barely watched TV for I had other things to be doing when he was at work. Pick something you like,” Fenris replied.

“Oh- sorry. Yeah, I’ll pick one,” Hawke nodded and ended up settling on a romantic comedy, setting the remote off to the side as the movie began. “Want a blanket or anything? I can get us one,” he offered, trying his best not to be awkward even though he probably was.

Was he ruining the mood? Fenris was trying his best to keep things light. He didn’t want Hawke to feel awkward, he knew he was just trying his best. Some things couldn’t be helped.

“Sure,” he said.

Hawke smiled and rose for a moment to grab a fuzzy blanket for them, laying it over their laps as Buddy also joined them on the couch, curling up beside Fenris and laying his head on his lap. Hawke chuckled and reached around Fenris to scratch his dog’s head.

“He missed you,” he murmured, meeting Fenris’s eyes.

“I did like taking him for morning walks,” Fenris commented, also joining in with the petting, which Buddy seemed overwhelmingly excited about. Perhaps he could get a pet of his own? Would that be too much to handle while he worked?

“I think you’d do well having a dog of your own,” Hawke suggested. “Once you’re a little more settled in to this whole living on your own thing.”

He could see Fenris being an amazing dog owner, and the mental image of Fenris holding a puppy? Precious.

“I might consider it,” Fenris said. Buddy had shown him that he enjoyed the company of dogs. Perhaps, when he had the time, he might have a look down at the local shelter.

“Also is it okay if....” Hawke wasn’t sure how to word it without being awkward, so he just sort of went ahead and wrapped his arm around Fenris’s waist. “I... do that? Not sure how you feel about cuddling.”

It shocked him at first, the contact. But once Fenris reminded himself that this was Hawke and Hawke would never ask for more than he was willing to give, so he began to settle down. He leaned his head on Hawke’s shoulder, letting himself being pulled up against his side.

“This is okay,” he said.

Hawke felt a warm fluttering in his chest as Fenris snuggled up to him and he couldn’t help but smile. He was tempted to give him a kiss on the forehead but he didn’t want to push his luck. Instead he settled with holding him against his chest, rubbing his side absently as the movie played.

As the movie played, Fenris fought to stay awake. The sun had long since set and exhaustion was catching up with him. It didn’t help that he was so warm and comfy under the blanket and tucked up against Hawke’s side, feeling the rhythm of his breathing. He couldn’t fall asleep now. He had to get home soon.

As the movie came to an end, Hawke gently shook Fenris a little while the credits rolled. It was a shame he had to wake him. He was so adorable.

“Hey, sleeping beauty,” he murmured softly. “Gotta drive you home.”

Apparently fighting against sleep had been a losing battle and Fenris’s eyes fluttered back open. He looked up at Hawke as he took in what he’d said. With a yawn, he rubbed his eyes and peeled himself from Hawke’s body.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay, you looked pretty cute,” Hawke hummed, smiling at him and giving him a little, playful squeeze. “C’mon, let’s get up. You can sleep during the car ride.”

Fenris nodded and stood up from the couch, leaving the blanket behind. Before he left, he made sure to give Buddy a pet. It had been a good date. As friends, he and Hawke hung out anyway, but the freedom to flirt with each other made things all the better.

Hawke very much agreed. As they got in the car, Hawke let Fenris lay his head in his lap as he drove so that he could drift back to sleep on the way. He found himself absently petting his hair as well, finding himself smiling until his cheeks began to hurt.

When they arrived at the apartment building, Hawke woke Fenris up gently and walked inside with him, walking him to the front door before he paused, looking down at the man before him and meeting his eyes.

“I... I had a really good time,” he said. “I liked this.”

“So did I, even if I fell asleep for some of it,” Fenris replied, rubbing the back of his back as he blushed a little. "If... it is amenable to you, I wouldn't be opposed to doing this again sometime."

“I would love that,” Hawke chirped. “Maybe you can choose what we do next time?”

He liked the idea of going somewhere Fenris picked, even though he knew he didn’t have a lot of experiences. He could still maybe have an idea of what he would want to do, that he never had the chance to experience before.

“I shall give it some thought,” Fenris smiled. He unlocked the door to his apartment and lingered in the doorway for a moment. It felt wrong to go their separate ways just like that. Clearing his throat, he turned and pulled Hawke into a prolonged hug.

Hawke returned the hug with a smile, fighting his growing urge just to kiss the other man as he released him.

“Text me,” he said, though it sounded more like a question than a request as he turned to start towards the stairs.

“I will,” Fenris assured him. He let his hands slip away from Hawke’s arms and he smiled, waving at him as he closed the door to his apartment. Once shut, he made his way to the bedroom where he flopped on the bed and sighed. His heart was still racing, his shirt smelt faintly of Hawke’s cologne from that hug. For once, everything was right in the world.


	9. The Next Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a date at the pool, Fenris and Hawke run into some complications.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are again! on time this time haha
> 
> enjoy!

Over the next few weeks, the two of them had gone on two more dates. One at the movie theatre, the third over breakfast at the coffee shop where Hawke met Isabela for the first time. Today was to be their fourth date and Fenris had asked Hawke to take him to the public pool. Hawke hadn't been there since he was younger so he didn't mind at all that Fenris had asked him to go. There were waterslides, food vendors, and all sorts of things they could do while they were there, he saw no reason why not.

He met Fenris at his apartment wearing his swim trunks and a t-shirt and he knocked on the door as usual. Hawke was always the sort of guy to swim with his shirt on. He was nowhere near confident enough in his own body to go without.

Since leaving Danarius, Fenris had visited the pool once while it was quiet. It was a relief to know he could indeed swim, but he found it rather dull alone. That was why he decided it would be a good idea to invite Hawke and the two of them go together.

He answered the door to Hawke dressed in a pair of dark blue swim trunks that cut off mid-thigh and a towel around his neck. His eyes openly roved over Hawke’s body and he couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed that he was wearing a shirt.

“Hey,” he said.

"Hey," Hawke cooed, looking Fenris over as well with a smile.

It had been a while since he'd seen him shirtless but his tattoos would always amaze him. And the muscles across his abdomen, tight in his torso and well defined. He looked up to his face and met his eyes again.

"You ready to go?" he asked, sporting a big smile.

“Yes, let’s go,” Fenris nodded. He picked up a small bag and slung it over his shoulder. It contained his phone and his keys and anything else important. After locking up, the two of them made their way down to the swimming pool.

Hawke had a bag of his own, smaller than Fenris's with only his wallet, keys, and phone, and he kept is slung over his shoulder as they headed into the car and went. It was a short drive, and as they arrived Hawke was about to take off his shirt so that Fenris wouldn't be alone in his shirtlessness, at least, but he quickly noticed just how many... people there were here. Clean shaven men with muscular abdomens that Hawke had never been able to maintain, his hands hesitated on the edge of his shirt, turning instead to set down his bag on a chair as if he'd never made an attempt at it at all.

Fenris set down his things beside Hawke’s and then peered into the water. He paid no mind to the people that were around them, seemingly unfazed by any stares because of the tattoos.

“You coming into the water?” he asked Hawke.

Hawke was snapped out of his own insecure thoughts when he heard Fenris speak to him. He blushed a little and nodded.

"Uh, yeah, I'm coming," he stammered, following the other man to the edge of the pool.

His hesitance was clear, but Fenris kept to his word and jumped into the deep end of the pool with a splash. He rose above water in a few seconds, shaking his head and pushing back his hair with his hand. He smiled up at Hawke and gesturing for him to join him.

 _'It's just water, Hawke, why are you so scared?'_ he thought, frowning a little as he looked over the edge of the pool and steadily approached. _'You can keep your shirt on. Fen hasn't asked you to take it off. Just swim.'_

However, the tile that made up the ground above and around the pools was slick with splashed water, forming large puddles. Hawke slipped in one misstep, yelping like a young boy as he fell into the pool, the edge of his shirt catching on the metal of the ladder and tearing the fabric loudly. The other swimmers laughed and Hawke, as he rose from under water to stand before Fenris, was unbelievably embarrassed as the torn shirt began to fall from his shoulders. His face was unbelievably red.

"Uh... oops?" he said quietly, forcing a little laugh though he couldn't look Fenris in the eyes.

An unfortunate accident. Fenris pressed his lips tightly together when he heard other people in the pool laughing. Hawke seemed on edge enough without drawing attention to himself. He swam close to him and put his hands on his shoulders, appearing as reassuring as he could.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

"Yeah," Hawke sighed, reluctantly removing the remnants of the shirt and tossing it carelessly out of the pool, though welcoming Fenris's touch. "Physically, anyways."

He put on a little smile and tried to distract himself with Fenris's appearance, with the wet hair stuck to the back of his head and water dripping down his shoulders.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Fenris said. He liked being in the water and the exercise but never at the cost of Hawke’s comfort.

"No, no, I want to do this, I'm just..." he sighed, looking down. "I'm not super confident about my body. That's all."

Fenris fell silent for a moment as he let his gaze run over Hawke’s body once more. He thought Hawke was attractive, devilishly so. After being complimented on nothing but his looks for so many years, Fenris supposed he couldn’t understand. It was the one thing he was taught to take pride in, even if the tattoos did garner attention.

“I like you the way you are. You don’t have to listen to anyone else,” he said. He wasn’t too good at this making people feel better thing, but he hoped that he would understand.

Hawke smiled, blushing as he looked up and met Fenris's eyes once again, his heart pounding in his chest.

"I... thank you. You have no idea what that means to me," he said with a bashful laugh. He couldn't believe he was this lucky, to be on a fourth date with this man right now. A _fourth date._ It was still as unbelievable as the first.

“I am glad it helped. I’m not… particularly good at this sort of thing,” Fenris said, looking to one side. “But know that I meant every word of what I said.”

"Me neither, but you're still here, so we both must be doing something right," he said with another laugh, playfully pinching him on the side.

Fenris smiled at that. Perhaps this date wouldn’t be so bad after all. His eyes lingered on Hawke’s lips for a moment before he quickly pulled away from him.

“Swim with me,” he said.

Hawke grinned and happily obeyed, following Fenris deeper into the water and lifting him up into his arms so that he could playfully pull him under the water with him, grinning wide as they resurfaced, wet hair sticking to their faces as Hawke laughed.

Things continued that way for a while, splashing each other and messing around in the water. Fenris found himself having a lot of fun. Eventually, the two of them began to grow exhausted and Fenris pulled himself up to sit on the edge of the pool.

“I could go for something to eat or drink. Do you want anything Hawke?” he asked.

“Hmm... I could go for some coke, if you don’t mind,” he said with a smile, looking up at him with bright eyes as he parted to go and retrieve their drinks.

As Fenris left, however, Hawke quickly found some new company without even seeming to desire it. Another man, about his age, approaching him to run his hands over his large shoulders and down his chest.

“Your body-hair is unbelievably sexy,” the man noted without shame, running his fingers through it. “What’s your name, handsome?”

“Uh... Garrett...” he said slowly, looking a little scared and confused.

“Are you here all by yourself, Garrett?” he asked with a smirk growing on his features. “You’re absolutely delectable.”

Fenris had been on his way back with two drinks, one for himself and one for Hawke, when he spotted the other man putting his hands all over him. Was he… flirting with Hawke? Perhaps he had Hawke hadn’t put a label on anything yet but… he was still his _date_. He quickly padded on over and attached himself to Hawke’s arm, handing him his drink.

“Your drink,” he said before shifting his gaze over to the stranger. “Can we help you?”

“I... see you’re spoken for,” the man said, his confidence instantly shrinking away as he pulled himself away from Hawke. “I’ll just... leave you to it then.”

He stared at Fenris as if in awe of him for a moment before he headed the other direction, disappearing into a different crowd. Hawke was beyond thankful to see him go.

“Thanks,” Hawke said with a smile, taking the soda and opening it without hesitation. “I wasn’t sure how I was gonna get out of that situation.”

“You should have just turned him down flat,” Fenris said. He slowly, somewhat hesitantly, peeled himself away from Hawke’s arm so he could open his own can.

“You’re right, but he startled me. I didn’t even know what was going on until you showed up,” he said honestly, taking a drink and laughing a little at his own oafishness. “I liked the look of disappointment he had on his face, though. When he realized you’re the one I came here with.”

“No one else shall hit on you, if I have anything to say about it,” Fenris replied. He hated the idea of someone with their paws all over him. While he knew he staked no claim, he couldn’t help the lingering jealousy he held.

"Your jealousy is really cute, you know?" Hawke teased, bopping him on the nose with a finger and smiling. "You don't have to worry. I'm here because I want to be on a date with _you._ If I wanted to go on dates with other guys I wouldn't be here."

“That is… reassuring at least,” Fenris hummed. He sighed as he took a seat by the poolside, sipping on his soda. “I am still surprised that you are single.”

Hawke rest his elbows up on the side of the pool, looking up at him but also, appreciating the way his legs glistened in the sun with the water dripping off of them.

"Single implies that I'm readily available to anyone who wants to have a relationship with me," he said. "Which, I would say isn't the case. I've been going on dates with you, so, at the moment I'm not going on dates with anyone else. So I'm not really on the market."

The words made Fenris feel strange inside but he couldn't quite place why. While it was relieving to know that Hawke wasn't seeing anyone else while they were going on these dates, it made his stomach turn in knots at the thought of calling this a closed off relationship. _Dating._

"You know what I meant," is what he ended up saying, gaze off into the distance.

"Well, to satisfy your statement, I work two jobs. I'm clumsy, and I'm awkward. Not a lot of people can fit into my schedule and if they do they rarely find me charming," he said easily, though he definitely noted Fenris's silence. He was smart enough to not press the issue, at least. He wouldn't let himself over think it.

“All of those people who can’t work around that for someone like you I… will never understand,” Fenris replied. He knew what he was saying was heartfelt, hence his inability to look Hawke in the eye while he said it. Hopefully he hadn’t just embarrassed himself too much.

Hawke felt his heart rate picking up at hearing those words and he gently reached out to take his chin in his hands, angling his face to look him in the eye.

“I feel the same way about you,” he said softly, smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “You’re worth so much more than what you’ve been given. I cherish all the time that I get to spend with you, even if it’s just texting.”

Fenris found it hard to look him in the eyes while he spoke, his cheeks burning. At this rate, he was never going to get used to Hawke complimenting him like this.

"I... I'm glad," he said. "Thank you."

Hawke climbed up out of the pool so that he could sit beside Fenris. He took his hand in his and laced their fingers together with a smile. He didn’t need to say anything, really. So he stayed silent, looking at their hands before he looked up at Fenris and met his eyes, seeming to lose himself in those beautiful pools of green.

When Fenris turned his gaze to meet Hawke's, he let his eyes flicker down to his lips. He had this urge to lean in and just... Could he? Would he mind? Subconsciously he was leaning closer. He could feel Hawke's hot breath hovering over his lips. Eventually, he made the final push and kissed him.

Hawke was admittedly surprised by the gesture, but he didn’t hesitate to return it. He cupped Fenris’s face in his hands and kissed him back, savouring the sweet taste of him, not even caring that they were in a public place or that other people could see them right now. He only cared about Fenris.

Immediately, Fenris melted into the kiss. He thought of nothing but the feel of him, the taste, that was all that mattered to him. They had waited far too long to do this since their dates began. It was only when they needed to part for air that they stopped. Fenris stared back at Hawke, the butterflies in his stomach intensifying and his heart pounding. This was well worth it.

Hawke couldn't stop smiling as he looked Fenris over, letting his hands fall from his face to take his hands in his. That was easily the best kiss he'd ever had. By a long shot.

"I think it's about time we did that," he said with a little laugh. "After four dates."

“Yes, I agree,” Fenris mumbled, rubbing his thumbs against Hawke’s hands. They had kissed before, plenty of times in the heat of passion before they had sex, but this was different. This was gentle and tender, made him feel like a schoolboy with his very first crush.

Hawke definitely enjoyed these sorts of kisses much more than what he’d shared with Fenris before this. He brought their hands up to his lips and kissed Fenris’s knuckles, giving his hands a fond squeeze as he lowered them.

“Wanna go check out that water slide?” he asked, nodding in its direction over on the other side of the pool-grounds.

"Sounds like something you'd suggest. Let's go," Fenris replied, still smiling. He finished off his drink and stood up, looking towards the water slide that Hawke was referring to. Keeping a hold of his hand, he pulled him towards it.

As they climbed up the stairs to the top, Hawke took Fenris's hand, standing at the edge by his side with this never-ending smile on his face.

"You going down with me?" he asked over the sound of rushing water at their feet.

Fenris looked down at the water, taking a moment to take in his surrounding, as if anticipating the fall alongside the water. He looked at him, giving him one curt nod, before descending down the slide and pulling Hawke with him as he did.

They slid down together in one another's arms, laughing as they collapsed into the pool. The rest of their day was spent like this, going down the slide, wrestling in the pool, having an amazing time. When the sun began to set, they were one of the last couples in the pool, sitting at a table with some ice cream, catching their breath.

"That was awesome," Hawke concluded with a big smile. "This is the best date I've ever had."

"To think we had such a rocky start," Fenris said, taking another bite of his ice cream. Hawke had been so embarrassed, so ashamed of his body. He doubted that he had become magically full of self-confidence but he was at least comfortable while he was there with him.

"But we overcame it," Hawke reminded him with a continued smile as he ate his own ice cream, making a bit of a mess of his beard. "Y’know, Fenris. I really like this. Going on dates with you, talking to you. All that."

It gave Fenris that warm, fuzzy feeling in his stomach again. He wasn't sure how to feel about it as it was pleasant but also a little unnerving.

"I appreciate your patience with me. Most people likely move faster than this but I... feel better taking this easy. I like what we have, doing this," he said.

"What does that make us then?" Hawke asked, not thinking anything of the question as he asked it. It was a natural thing to wonder, most people would consider themselves dating by now but Hawke and Fenris had hardly spoke of that yet, only of going on dates and hanging out.

That made Fenris falter, pausing in his next bite of ice-cream. It was a good question. They'd been on all these dates but... what did that mean for them? Were they dating? Was he Hawke's boyfriend? He didn't know. He didn't know if he wanted to know. One thing he knew for sure was that he didn't want Hawke to see anyone else and he had no intentions of doing that either. But did that mean there was a level of commitment?

"Labels... don't really matter, do they?" Fenris asked.

"In the... grand scheme of things, I guess not," Hawke said with a falter to his tone, not meeting his eyes. "I would... _like_ to call you my boyfriend but if that's not what you want then that's fine too."

He didn't really sound like he meant that, and he didn't feel it either, but he felt like it was the right thing to say.

"I... perhaps need time to think about it," Fenris said, clearing his throat. Sometimes he wondered why Hawke put up with him. "I understand I am being difficult. Rest assured I have no intention of seeing anyone other than you so that is not the issue."

Hawke’s smile returned again as he continually looked down at his ice cream, running his thumb over the edge of the plastic cup that it was in.

“You’re not difficult. You’re worth all the fuss,” he assured him. “You... take as much time as you need. I’ve promised you before that I would wait and I can promise it again.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand why but I… shall take your word for it,” Fenris said. He took the final bite of his ice-cream.

“So are we... taking a break in the mean time?” Hawke asked, breaking the silence. “Or... do you wanna go on another date, the same time next week?”

He looked a little hopeful at that, though he would understand if Fenris said no.

“…I would like to keep doing this, if it’s all the same to you,” Fenris said. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do with his time without this now. It was becoming part of his usual routine.

“Yeah, I would... prefer that,” he admitted with a chuckle. “Wanna come over to my place? We can put on a movie and cuddle with Buddy over a bowl of popcorn.”

He put on his charming smile in an effort to sell his offer, as if the statement alone wasn’t tempting enough.

“Sounds good,” Fenris nodded. They did that almost every time, simply because they never wanted their dates to end. He held no complaints though, it was always nice to cuddle up in Hawke’s arms and see a movie he’d never seen before.

And they did continue like that for a while. It came to a point where they had stopped counting their dates and it became a weekly thing for the two of them to get together to go out somewhere or just stay at home and watch movies.

 

Today was one of those days, about two or three months into this strange new relationship they’d found themselves in. They were at Fenris’s apartment, sitting on the couch with Fenris in Hawke’s arms, as usual. There was a movie playing, another romantic comedy of some kind but neither of them were paying much attention. Hawke was absently running his fingers through Fenris’s hair as it played, his attention more focused on him than what was on the screen.

Fenris was happy to snuggle up against him, the fingers in his hair making him sleepy. He liked this time together, just enjoying each other's company. Nothing else was needed to make this a good date. He looked up at him, eyes roving over his relaxed expression, making him smile. His hands ran along Hawke's chest lightly before he leaned up to draw him in for a kiss.

Hawke hummed softly at the touch, wrapping his arm around Fenris’s waist and holding him a little more tightly against him as he happily kissed him back. Kissing Fenris had very quickly become one of his most favourite things in this world, and he was sure that the other man felt the same way. It was so much more raw and real than the kisses they had before. These were tender and full of affection rather than just lust and passion.

Fenris found himself shifting into Hawke's lap so he could kiss him proper without twisting his head. He leaned closer, pressing their chests together and wrapping his arms around his neck. It was addicting, he couldn't get enough of him.

Hawke felt the same way, letting his hands slide down to his ass just to hold him there as they kissed, to see how he would react. He adored it when Fenris sat in his lap and held him like this, turning his head slightly to kiss him that much deeper. It surrounded Hawke in this atmosphere of Fenris’s presence, his warmth, his taste, his smell. It was mesmerizing.

The touch made Fenris stiffen but he didn't let go. This was fine, he told himself, he and Hawke had had sex before. He parted for air, taking a deep breath and meeting Hawke's gaze. His heart was racing, anxiety catching up with him. This was fine. Definitely fine. He kissed him again in an attempt to settle himself.

Hawke didn’t think much of it, smiling and playfully nipping his lips as he kissed him. He didn’t intend to take this any farther than Fenris would want, just making out and touching. Nothing wrong with that, right?

As the kiss got more and more heated, the more Fenris’s pulse quickened. He wondered if Hawke could feel his rapid heartbeat against his chest, felt the way sweat was gathering on his palms. This was more nerve-wracking than it needed to be.

Hawke let his hands rove up his sides, fingers slipping beneath his shirt. He could feel Fenris’s heart racing and it only encouraged his movements as he rolled his shirt up just enough to reveal his waist. His tattoos showed up distinctly under the light of the TV and it was absolutely beautiful. It only made Hawke want to see more of him.

It wasn’t getting any better. He was feeling increasingly tense as Hawke’s fingers touched his bare skin. Eventually, he couldn’t cope with it anymore, and he pulled back. He pushed Hawke’s hands away from him forcefully but not roughly.

“Hawke I… I don’t think I can…” he said.

Hawke pulled back and looked up at him with a clear expression of confusion. Didn’t Fenris... want this? Was he reading his body language all wrong? He furrowed his brow.

“But you... you started this?” he asked softly, not angry or accusatory but just... _genuinely_ confused.

“And now I’m telling you to stop,” Fenris huffed. He didn’t need a reason, a ‘no’ should’ve sufficed just fine. All that mattered was that he was uncomfortable now. There was no way he could’ve known he would feel this way.

“Okay, alright,” Hawke felt the sting of the words like a match pressed against his skin as he shuffled away from Fenris, letting him climb out of his lap and away from him. What did he do wrong? He didn’t understand. “I’m sorry. I... I didn’t _mean_ to upset you.”

Fenris shook his head, returning to his previous seat but not shuffled as close to Hawke. He wrapped his arms around his body. “Don’t apologise. It’s not you, you didn’t do anything. It’s just me.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, looking over and meeting his eyes. “What... happened, exactly? If I can ask.”

He hated seeing Fenris like this, but he couldn’t reach over and hold him. That wouldn’t help a thing.

“I… I’m not feeling well,” Fenris said. It wasn’t exactly a lie. He felt sick to his stomach, that much was true. Flashes of Danarius’s hands on him played in his mind. Hawke wasn’t Danarius. He knew that. The two of them weren’t even comparable and yet he felt so… uneasy.

“I can go, if you want,” he offered, slowly sort of rising from the couch and grabbing his coat from the ground, throwing it over his shoulder. “If that would help.”

“Yes, I… think I might need to lay down,” Fenris mumbled. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and sighed. Why did everything have to be so difficult. “I’m sorry, Hawke.”

“It’s... alright,” Hawke said slowly. “See you later.”

And with that he grabbed his keys and headed out the door. As soon as it was closed behind him, he felt this heavy pang in his heart. Did he just... get dumped? He couldn’t tell. He was so confused by every aspect of this situation.

The apartment suddenly felt cold and lonely once Hawke had left. Fenris fought the urge to call him back, knowing it was better for his own health if he took a few deep breaths and calmed down. Truly, he needed to get over himself.


	10. Comfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time Hawke tries to talk about what happened, Fenris closes up. How much longer will they be able to stay together without Fenris's trust?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go again! in this chapter, we also finally introduce Alistair, who will be more important later. its worth noting that this fic incorporates a bi!Alistair, if it wasn't clear from the tags
> 
> for those who are still around (are you guys still around?), enjoy!

Over the next few days, Hawke had sat by his phone, waiting for something from Fenris that would signify that either he had truly been dumped or that Fenris wanted to see him again. One day when he returned from work, he sat down on his couch, Buddy curled up beside him, and he sent out a text; hoping it was the right thing to do.

_“Hey, are you feeling any better?”_

Fenris had been mulling over how to text Hawke in those days. He kept writing them up and then deleting them. When Hawke finally text him first, he knew he had to reply.

_“yes. im sory 4 how i acted. i miss u.”_

Hawke smiled at the words, feeling a flood of relief rushing through him. So he _hadn’t_ been dumped. Thank the Maker for that.

_“I miss you too :^) I thought I’d gotten dumped.”_

Dumped? Fenris stared at the text for a moment. Had he really come off that way? He couldn’t imagine how Hawke must’ve felt, especially waiting all this time for him to get in contact with him.

_“did it seem that way? i didnt mean 2. think i just needed sum space. not ur fault”_

_“I mean, sort of. I thought I did something that pissed you off; you seemed really tense. At the time I guess I read that as angry.”_

The way Fenris had snapped when he told him to stop for the second time still sat with him. He felt like it had scarred him, in a way, and he couldn’t shake it from his memory. Even now he could hear him saying it: “And now I’m telling you to stop.”

_“dont worry abt it. wen can i c u next?”_

Fenris sent the text and let out a deep exhale. He wanted to forget it ever happened, but he had a feeling that was going to be difficult.

_“I just got off work so you could come over now if you wanted.”_

He knew when Fenris came over he’d need to talk to him about what happened, find out what he did so that he wouldn’t do it again, but he had a feeling Fenris wouldn’t want to open up. It would be in his nature to lock up like that.

At the offer, Fenris sat up on the couch from where he was laying. He’d have to find a jacket and some shoes to put on but he could definitely make it to Hawke’s place soon.

 _“ok. ill b there soon”_ Then Fenris paused before sending another text. _“can we keep things normal? kiss n cuddles is fine but no more.”_

_“Of course. I was hoping you’d say something along those lines so I didn’t accidentally fuck up again, haha. See you in a minute <3” _

Hawke smiled to himself as he put his phone off to the side, getting up to grab some food for the both of them, picking out a couple if movies and what not. He was thrilled to see him again after that, to patch the wound left on his heart from last time.

 

True to his word, Fenris got up to find a jacket and a pair of shoes to slip on. Once ready, he headed out to Hawke’s place. He knocked on the door and rocked on his heels as he waited for an answer. They were so close that he could’ve probably just let himself in, but he felt better knocking and waiting after the last time they’d been together.

Hawke opened the door immediately. He’d just taken off his uniform and put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt. He grinned when he saw Fenris, eyes lighting up as he took in the sight of him and stepped back so he could come inside.

“Hey, Fen,” he chirped. “Buddy is asleep so you don’t have to worry about being mauled today.”

Fenris nodded and stepped inside the house. He didn’t mind Buddy all over him but making things right with Hawke was more important right now.

Hawke desperately wanted to pull him into his arms and give him a big hug. He hesitated as he stepped closer, letting his arms fall back to his sides awkwardly.

“Can I... give you a hug?” he asked. “It’s... really good to see you.”

“Yes,” Fenris whispered. He took the initiative before Hawke could, wrapping his arms around him and leaning his face against his chest. That familiar warmth and scent that was so distinctly Hawke was comforting. He missed the touch, dearly.

Hawke’s heart rate picked up dramatically when Fenris hugged him. He returned the hug without hesitation, burying his face in his shoulder and letting himself get lost in the scent. Maker, he hadn’t realized how much he missed Fenris until he was right here in his arms. He prayed this wouldn’t happen again. He’d do everything in his power to try to prevent it.

There was a minute of silence between them as they simply enjoyed each other’s company. Fenris eventually managed to peel himself away and his eyes found Hawke’s.

“I... I missed you,” he got out, meeting Fenris’s eyes as well, clearly a little wary. “I know you said what happened wasn’t my fault but... I’m still sorry. For whatever I did I... I would never do _anything_ to you that you didn’t like or didn’t want. Ever.”

“I know. You don’t have to apologise. I would like to… move on from it, if that’s okay with you,” Fenris replied. He really didn’t want to talk about it, for Hawke to learn how pathetic and stupid his whole thought process had been.

“I mean... I would too but I’m sorta confused about it if I’m being honest,” he said, averting his eyes. “You don’t have to explain what happened to me if you don’t want to but I would appreciate it. Just for my own peace of mind.”

Swallowing roughly, Fenris’s eyes were downcast, head bowed. Of course. _Of course._ Even if he owed it to Hawke to tell him, he didn’t think he could.

“I know that our relationship was… purely sexual once upon a time, but right now I can’t… right now anything like that makes me feel… I just can’t do it,” he said.

“Feel... like what?” Hawke prodded, relentlessly trying to get at least _some_ information out of Fenris just so that he could wrap his head around this situation.

Fenris returned to the same stance as before, when he’d been sat on the sofa with Hawke when everything went wrong. His arms wrapped around his body, shoulders rigid. This wasn’t an easy topic. He could feel himself closing up.

“I don’t know. Bad,” he said, still avoiding eye-contact.

Hawke huffed in frustration. Closed up again. Well, there went that conversation, he supposed.

“C’mon, I made us some popcorn and got sodas and fuzzy blankets. We can put a movie on,” he said with a smile, as if the previous conversation had not even occurred, waving Fenris over to join him on the couch.

Fenris nodded and followed Hawke over to the couch. They sat down together, curling up in the blankets with the food as the movie played. It was a favourite past time of theirs but Fenris couldn’t help but be faintly reminded of the last time they’d been like this.

Hawke noticed how tense Fenris was and he shifted to look towards him, running a thumb over his cheek.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly. “You still don’t seem really... alright. We can do something else if you would rather not do this.”

“No, this is fine. Maybe… next time, we should go out some place,” Fenris said, leaning into the touch a little. If he could just bear through it this time, focus on the movie, then it’d be fine.

Hawke nodded, though he didn’t necessarily believe it. He wrapped the blanket snuggly around the other man and hugged him against his chest, thumb rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder as the movie continued to play. He couldn’t help but wish there was something he could do.

The two of them quietly watched the movie together, taking handfuls of popcorn every now and again. Fenris willed his body to calm down but nothing seemed to work. Why did he have to react this way? He just wanted to enjoy spending time with Hawke.

As the movie played, Hawke’s anxiety spun around inside him without relent. He didn’t understand a thing about this situation and the more questions he asked, the more confused he became. How was he meant to fix this? He thought for a moment. What if he... gave Fenris something as a... token? Something that showed that his intentions were pure, despite the lack of the label on their relationship, and that Hawke only wanted to make him happy. Would that even work? He didn’t know.

In an attempt to comfort both himself and Hawke, Fenris kept snuggled up close to him with his head leaning on his chest. He didn’t know what he was going to do about the way he felt, he just hoped that one day he’d get over himself and it would go away.

Hawke smiled a little at that and held him snuggly. He leaned down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. He hated his tension, hopefully it would go away in the next coming dates. He cared about Fenris, more than he’d cared about anyone since his family died. The last thing he wanted was for this relationship to fall apart.

When the movie came to finish, Fenris looked up at Hawke, wondering where he intended to take things next. He hated to admit that he didn’t want to be trapped in another awkward conversation about how he felt or what went wrong on their last date.

Hawke met his eyes, gently brushing his hair out of his face. Maker, this silence was awkward. What did he say? Was there something he should say?

“Have I ever told you that you’re adorable?” he said softly, hoping that some flattery might somehow lighten the situation as he smiled fondly at the other man.

“Adorable?” Fenris asked with a quirk of the brow but a smirk on his face. It wasn’t the wording he’d choose for himself but he’d take the compliment.

“Mhmm, especially all wrapped up in blankets like this,” he chirped, happy that his tactic seemed to be working as he wrapped the blankets around him a little more snuggly for emphasis. He leaned in to press a small kiss to his nose. “Cute as a button.”

“Hmm, I think I would have preferred handsome but I’ll take it,” Fenris said. It was moments like these that reminded him why he liked Hawke so much.

“You can be handsome and cute,” Hawke hummed, giving him a little squeeze. “Cute was just the first word that came to mind. I could call you a plethora of other adjectives if I wanted to.”

“I’d rather you compliment me on something other than how I look,” Fenris admitted. The praise was nice, of course, but he was used to that.

“You say that as if I don’t have a whole dictionary of those as well,” Hawke chuckled with a smile. “I could tell you about how charming you are, how brave you are, how strong-willed...”

Upon hearing the compliments, Fenris’s cheeks flushed with red. “I take it back. Hearing you say it is far too embarrassing.”

Hawke laughed at that, throwing his head back and grinning. He put a big kiss on the other man’s cheek, hugging him against his chest. “Then I’ll make sure I embarrass you more often.”

“That’s definitely not what I asked for,” Fenris huffed. He took Hawke’s cheeks in his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Hawke kissed him back without hesitation, smiling as he cupped Fenris’s face in his hands. How he’d missed this man. He prayed they would never fight again. Was he... falling in love? Probably, knowing his luck. Fenris had him wrapped around his finger as it was.

When they parted, Fenris smiled. This kind of gentle kissing was fine, he noted. He leaned his forehead against Hawke’s, taking a moment to relish the feeling it gave him.

Hawke lead his eyes flutter shut, smiling absently at the feel of his presence, the peace he felt at the sound of his breathing. Eventually, as he ran his hands absently up and down his arms, he spoke up once again to break the silence.

“Do you... do you wanna stay? Like not like... for _that_ but just... to stay the night,” he asked warily, meeting his eyes.

“Like old times?” Fenris replied. He remembered the days sleeping in Hawke’s bed before getting his own place, while he was still running from Danarius.

“Yeah,” Hawke said with a smile. “Like old times. But hopefully you won’t make me sleep on the couch.”

He liked the idea of falling asleep with Fenris in his arms. It was what he wanted right now more than anything else, especially after last time.

“It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve fallen asleep in the same bed,” Fenris hummed, gliding his hands along Hawke’s shoulders idly. “I think… I might like the company.”

“As would I,” Hawke replied, his smile only widening as he looked up at Fenris. “It sounds much nicer than just texting you until I fall asleep.”

“Okay. Let’s… do that,” Fenris nodded. He could already imagine what it’d be like to be wrapped up in his arms as he slept, waking up to his adorable sleeping face.

Hawke nodded and smiled wide, jumping off the couch and pulling Fenris after him by his hand so that they could go down the hall and disappear into Hawke’s room. Hawke gave Fen a shirt and some sweats sleep in (as if they would fit) as he changed himself into some sweats, not bothering with a shirt because he knew he’d get too hot to keep it on anyways. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he made room for Fenris to join him once he was ready.

Once he’d changed, Fenris joined Hawke on the bed. It was strange to be here, yet so intimately familiar given all of the times he’d spent sleeping here. The circumstances were different now, both in sleeping in this bed and being with Hawke.

Hawke was happy to wrap his arms around Fenris as soon as he’d joined him, making a happy sound. It really expressed how much smaller than him Fenris truly was and he adored it, the way Fenris fit perfectly up against him. Cuddling with anyone else would never be quite as satisfying.

Fenris often noticed it too, the difference in their size. It wasn’t his fault Hawke was a ridiculously large man, it wasn’t like he was that small. Though, secretly he enjoyed it. He felt safe in Hawke’s arms, protected.

“Are you tired?” he asked quietly.

"No, not at all," Hawke admitted with a little laugh. "I'm just so happy that you're staying. I'm too excited to sleep."

He blushed at the admission, but he pushed some of Fenris's hair out of his face tenderly.

“I am not tired either,” Fenris replied. He leaned into the touch and stared back at Hawke with lidded eyes. Perhaps a little exhausted, but he’d never admit that. For now, he just wanted to enjoy this moment.

Hawke chuckled at that, caressing Fenris's cheek with his thumb, admiring him with twinkling eyes.

"I missed you," he sighed. "Let's not get in a fight or... anything like that again."

“I would like that, if at all possible,” Fenris said. He had this bad feeling that they were bound to fight again if Hawke didn’t let what happened go or if it happened again.

"Same," he cooed, pressing a kiss between Fenris's eyebrows, his beard brushing up against his skin. He was absently rubbing Fenris's back as he held him. He was glad that things were back to normal again, at least as normal as they could be. He didn't want to risk losing... whatever this was. It meant a lot to him.

It made Fenris’s breath hitch, a brief moment of panic flickering through him, but he was quick to calm himself down before Hawke could notice and grow concerned. He wasn’t Danarius. His beard was different. Everything was different. He cared about Hawke.

Hawke noticed the brief tensing of his muscles, but he decided not to comment on it as Fenris relaxed again. He smiled to himself, resting his head on top of Fenris's and closing his eyes, blissfully just holding him against his chest, rubbing his back in circles.

“I never wanted these tattoos you know,” Fenris suddenly mumbled as he relaxed against Hawke. He knew it was out of the blue, but he was unable to shake Danarius out of his mind as of late.

"I... you... what?" Hawke pulled away from him for a moment to meet his eyes, looking extremely puzzled. "What do you mean?"

“Danarius picked it for me. Told me one day that I was going to get them, I didn’t have a choice. I was worried it would hurt, and it did, immensely. I trusted him though. We hadn’t been married long, I still felt foolishly in love with him and would do anything for him. If he thought that I would be more attractive with them, I was going to get them,” Fenris explained.

"Fenris—that’s... Fenris that's horrible," Hawke said, gaping in horror as he looked at the tattoos that covered his skin. Why did such a horrible, horrible thing have to be so... beautiful? It only made him hate Danarius even more. "I swear, if I ever see Danarius's face again for any reason whatsoever, I will rip out every one of his teeth with my hands. I'm so, so sorry that happened to you. That someone would be twisted enough to put you through that."

Fenris shook his head. He appreciated the fact that Hawke cared, but there was nothing to be done about it now. “We should be thankful that he is put away now. The process of tattoo removal is long, expensive, and painful. It is not worth getting rid of them.”

"I'm... I'm still sorry. I feel horrible that they look good on you because they were put there without your consent. You didn't want them, but now you're just... branded. He _branded_ you," Hawke continued to rant, his cheeks red with anger, face clearly growing hot. "It's fucked up."

“Yes I… have a feeling that was his intention more than how it looked. He wanted to leave his mark,” Fenris pressed his lips tightly together for a moment.

"Well _, fuck_ him. _Fuck_ his mark," Hawke said stiffly. "You don't belong to him. You don't belong to anyone. Don't... think of the tattoos as what he did to you. Think of them as yours now, as much as you didn't want them. It's your body, your skin, not his. No amount of ink changes that."

That rendered Fenris silent for a moment. Those butterflies were fluttering in his stomach again. Even though his tone was aggressive, Hawke always seemed to make him feel all weird and fuzzy inside. He wondered if he knew the weight of the words he’d just said.

“…Thank you,” he whispered.

The soft tone Fenris used made Hawke simmer down quite a bit. He felt a smile tug at the corners of his lips and he relaxed. He leaned in, pressing a small kiss to Fenris's lips before he pulled away.

"You don't need to thank me," he replied with equal softness. "I meant every word of it."

“I know, it is just… overwhelming to hear someone say such things to me,” Fenris replied. He could feel himself getting emotional but he held back.

"You can be open with me about everything, Fenris. At this point, there's nothing you could do to make me like you any less than I do," Hawke assured him, stroking his cheek with a hand.

“Truly?” Fenris asked. There were many things he was holding inside but he didn’t have the courage to say them. He couldn’t let the solemn feeling take over though. “Even if you found out that I pick my nose?”

Hawke chuckled at that mental image. He shook his head, leaning in to squeeze Fenris more tightly, their noses brushing against one another as he said:

"Yes. Even if you pick your nose."

Fenris laughed back. This was what it was about. These little quiet moments of intimacy with nothing but each other’s warmth and comfort.

They laughed together for several moments before Hawke leaned in to kiss Fenris again, a longer kiss this time, more passionate than the last. He was obsessed with this man. He wanted nothing more than to stay here in bed with him forever.

“I think I could fall asleep now,” Fenris muttered once they parted. He nuzzled his cheek against Hawke’s chest, tucking his head under his chin.

"Me too," Hawke agreed, giving him a kiss at the crown of his head as he let his eyes close, still hugging tightly onto the other man as he did so. It didn't take him long to fall asleep like this, and it was easily one of the best sleeps he'd ever had.

And Fenris followed shortly after, letting himself relax knowing that when dawn finally broke, he would be curled up in Hawke’s arms where he felt safe.

 

When the morning came, Hawke slept right through the rising sun. His cheek was pressed up against the top of Fenris's head, lips parted slightly as he breathed. He looked like a complete mess, his hair in all sorts of disarray. However, his arms were still wrapped around securely Fenris.

Fenris woke first and as he shuffled back a little, he was greeted with the sight he’d been hoping for. Hawke was fast asleep, his expression calm and his bedhead on show. Nothing could be a more perfect sight. It was true that he had work in a few hours, but that was a whole few hours. He’d just cuddle up to Hawke for now.

They stayed like that for about another hour more when Hawke shifted awake. He opened an eye to look down at Fenris and he smiled. He knew Fenris wasn't sure how he felt about being called cute, but right now especially, he looked absolutely adorable. Hawke kissed him on the nose, taking a deep breath of the other man's morning scent.

"Good morning," he murmured.

“Good morning,” Fenris replied. And it was a good morning indeed. Nothing could be more perfect than this, their legs intertwined in the sheets as the morning sun crept through the gaps in the curtains to heat their skin.

"You wanna sleep here every night?" he asked with a little laugh to his tone, clearly not being serious as he pushed some of his hair out of his face and grinned. "I'll make you breakfast and coffee."

“I have work soon but if you get up now, I’ll stay for breakfast and coffee,” Fenris said, pinching Hawke’s side a little as he smiled sleepily at him.

Hawke laughed a little at the pinch and sighed, shuffling back enough so that he could sit up.

"Deal," he chuckled, grinning as he stretched.

He didn't even bother dress himself as he got up, hopping out of bed and popping his back with a relieved sigh. He turned back towards Fenris, raising an eyebrow at him.

"You coming?"

Fenris nodded and pushed himself out of bed with a stretch. He rubbed his eyes and ran a hand through his messy hair before following Hawke to the kitchen.

Hawke had started some eggs and a pot of coffee as they made it down there. He fed Buddy as well, so he’d be too distracted by food to jump all over Fenris when he saw him. He smiled at the sizzle of the eggs on the pan.

“Want one egg or two?” he asked, looking back to Fenris as he entered.

“Two,” Fenris said. He took a seat as he waited for Hawke to cook. It was a nice change of pace, having someone else cook for him.

Hawke smiled wide and nodded, happily whipping up some eggs for him and humming while he worked. Buddy found his way over to where Fenris sat and forced his head up onto his lap. chuffing softly as he nuzzled his thigh. Hawke joined him soon enough with two plates of eggs with toast and two cups of fresh coffee.

“For you,” he chirped, sliding a plate towards him.

“Thank you,” Fenris smiled. He gave Buddy a scratch behind the ears before digging into the breakfast Hawke had made for him.

Hawke happily ate as well, finding peace in their shared silence as they ate. When he finished, he wiped some egg bits from his beard and took a long sip of his coffee with a content hum.

“Did I do okay?” he asked with a little smile, looking over at Fenris.

“This is great,” Fenris replied, finishing off his own plate and reaching for his coffee. “I am not used to other people making food for me but I… liked this very much.”

“Well, I’m happy to make food for you as much as you like,” he chirped, giving Fenris a big smile. “It’s nice to have someone to cook for every now and then.”

Fenris nodded. He could get used to that, it was a nice change of pace after all. He’d spent so many hours in the kitchen making meals for Danarius. “I’d like that.”

Hawke took the dishes away and cleaned them without complaint, humming to himself as he did so. He almost wished they didn’t both have jobs, so Fenris could stay a little longer.

“When do you have work?” he asked.

“In about an hour,” Fenris replied. He leaned on his palm, elbow on the table, with his eyebrows raised at Hawke. “I can stay here a little bit longer.”

"Wanna go with me to take Buddy on his morning walk?" he offered, looking a little excited as he met Fenris's eyes with his own.

“A short walk? Sure,” Fenris said. He stood up slowly from his chair and stretched again. “I suppose I should change first.”

"Probably," Hawke laughed. "I'll do the same and meet you down here when you're ready."

The two of them promptly got dressed, walking together side by side and chatting as they walked Buddy around the block. When Fenris did finally leave for work, Hawke was sad to see him go, but he knew he'd see Fenris again soon; or, at least, that was what he hoped. He had to get ready for work himself anyways, so he supposed it was probably good that Fenris left before he got too distracted with him to do what he needed to do.

Even as he travelled to work, Fenris couldn’t stop thinking about Hawke. He was glad that they’d managed to patch things up. Somewhat. They might have avoided talking about the problem but they were back to how they were before.

 

Today, however, there was something new to be noticed at the gym where Fenris worked. A new guy, a physical trainer it seemed like. He was working on setting up a few of the machines for when the gym opened that day. A tall man with dirty blond hair and a bit of stubble growing on his chin, he had these rich green eyes and clearly, he worked out. Of course he did, as a physical trainer it only made sense for him to look the part.

Being as perceptive as he was, Fenris was quick to notice the new guy. He observed him for a moment before approaching him cautiously.

“First day?” he asked.

The man looked up at Fenris with a look of surprise. He put on a polite smile and nodded, holding out his hand.

"Yeah, uh, hey, I'm Alistair," he chirped. "Just getting used to things around here. Are you a trainer too?"

“Yes. I’m Fenris,” Fenris replied, shaking his hand. He looked him over as he did, noting that he certainly fit the part. “If you need any help just let me know.”

"Yeah, of course," Alistair replied. "And, I'm... not really good at this sort of thing but, you're.... really hot." He blushed as soon as the words left his mouth, his cheeks burning red. "Shit, sorry. That's not a good thing to say to your co-worker is it?"

Fenris blinked owlishly at him as his cheeks went pink. Right. He should be used to this by now, the compliments on his appearance. Quickly, he cleared his throat after chuckling a little, eyes off to the side.

“I am flattered but I am… currently seeing someone,” he said.

"Oh, right, of course. I mean, it'd be sorta weird if someone like you were single," Alistair laughed awkwardly, also averting his gaze. "How... long have you been working here?"

“Few months,” Fenris said, cocking an eyebrow. “A friend of mine got me the job, I had just come out of a bit of a rough situation. What about you, what brings you here?”

"The last gym I worked at closed down because it wasn't making enough money. I heard the one in Kirkwall was hiring so... here I am," Alistair said casually. "I hope things are better for you now, though. I know what it's like to come from a bad place."

With a hum, Fenris leaned his side against the wall. Alistair didn’t seem like such a bad guy, if a little awkward and dorky. A part of him couldn’t help but think he would’ve certainly gone after him if he’d known him when he was looking for people to cheat on Danarius with.

“I see,” Fenris said. “Well, I hope you enjoy it here.”

"Thanks, you too," Alistair said, clearly becoming more and more flustered as the conversation went on. "Wait- sorry. That doesn't make sense."

Fenris chuckled. This man was beyond ridiculous but somehow, he couldn’t help but think it would be fun to have him around. It sure beat any of his other co-workers.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said.

Alistair smiled, looking relieved that Fenris at least thought he was funny.

"So... what's this person like, that you're seeing, if I can ask?" he said. He was genuinely curious. He figured that whoever they were, they must have been just as hot as Fenris if not more. Though he definitely struggled to imagine that.

So, he wanted to know about Hawke huh? He supposed it should be flattering to know he was so interested in his type.

“He’s nice. Twice the size of me. Funny, though I would never tell him that lest it go to his head. He is… a caring, selfless man, did a lot for me when I was going through a hard time,” he said.

"Sounds like somebody I know," Alistair chuckled. "He wouldn't happen to have a beard, would he? And a ridiculously large dog?"

“He does,” Fenris said, his interest now piqued. Did he know Hawke? How many men could be there be with that exact descriptor? “His name is Hawke.”

"No kidding, Garrett Hawke?" Alistair laughed at that, shaking his head in disbelief. "I know him! We were buddies in high school and I was engaged to his cousin in college, before she... passed away. We're old friends."

“I’m sorry to hear about your fiancé,” Fenris said, his expression softening. So many people from Hawke’s family have died, it seemed. Perhaps it was some kind of bad omen. “Small world though, I suppose.”

"It's alright, it was a long time ago. You don't need to be sorry," Alistair assured him. "It sure seems that way, huh? I'll have to mention it to him next time we run into each other. I'd never have guessed that he'd end up with someone like you. No offense. I just mean that he's lucky."

“Lucky, huh?” Fenris said. For someone who knew he was taken, he sure was laying the flirting on thick. He was definitely going to tell Hawke when he got off his shift.

"Yeah- I mean- shit," Alistair was clearly tripping over his words, getting progressively more red the more that he spoke. "I should stop talking."

Lucky certainly wasn’t the word he’d choose to describe it. He’d been difficult with Hawke as of late after all. Regardless, he chuckled again and shook his head. It was after that that people began filing into the gym and heading towards equipment and Fenris straightened himself out.

 

As Fenris's shift came to an end, Hawke had sent him a text not long after he'd gotten off work himself. He was finishing up with making Buddy's dinner and all of that when he sent it, smiling to himself as he did so. He knew they'd seen each other last night but what was the harm in hanging out two days in a row?

_"Hey, you wanna go and get food after work? :^)"_

Fenris smiled when he saw the text. He wanted to keep things with Hawke as positive as possible. Hanging out again sounded good, so he replied to the text.

_“sure, sounds gud. have sumfing 2 tell u”_

_"Oh, you do? And what is that?"_

He couldn't help but wonder what Fenris could possibly have to tell him. Surely it wasn't too bad or else he wouldn't have agreed to have dinner with him tonight.

Might as well keep his interest, Fenris thought. He picked up his bag as he prepared to leave work and text him back on the way out.

_“tell u later. wen r we getting dinner?”_

_"Whenever you get off, at the same place we had our first date ;^)"_

Hawke hoped the idea sounded romantic. It was really the perfect place for them. Not too casual or too fancy, just... comfortable. No other restaurant was quite as ideal.

_“just finished. will hed home 4 a shower n change. then ill b there ;)”_

Fenris smiled and tucked his phone in his pocket. He headed home and did just as he told Hawke he would; washed off the sweat of the day at work and dressed himself in something nice ready for the date. He shot Hawke another text as he prepared to leave.


	11. Ups and Downs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for the worse after Fenris and Hawke move in together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long chapter this time! idk how many of you are still reading this fic but uhh, thanks for sticking around if you are :)
> 
> we're faaaairly close to the end now.

Hawke waited for Fenris outside on a chair on the patio, his legs crossed at the ankles as he twirled his keys. He was excited to take Fenris out for dinner again, it had been a while since they'd done that. It would be good for them, he hoped.

When Fenris noticed him, he quickly took a seat across from him. It felt better to have their dates out somewhere in public. There was no risk of anything happening that would make him uncomfortable.

“Hey,” he said.

Hawke grinned at him when he approached, looking him over openly before he relaxed into his chair.

"Hey," he replied. He was tempted to tack a babe on there, but he wasn't sure how Fenris would feel about that. He figured it would be safer just to go without. "How was work?"

“Fine,” Fenris hummed. He leaned back on his chair. “There was a new guy, a trainer like me. The first thing he did when I met him was hit on me.”

"I... really?" Hawke pressed his lips into a line. He wasn't sure if he was allowed to be angry about that or not. I mean... they were exclusive but did that mean Hawke was allowed to be possessive? He didn't know. "What did you say to him?"

“That I was flattered but taken. Here’s the part I wanted to tell you though,” Fenris said, smirking a little. He watched Hawke’s face for a change in expression. “The new guy? He claimed to be an old college friend of yours, name was Alistair.”

"Alistair? You're kidding?" Hawke raised an eyebrow and he laughed. So... Fenris had said that he was taken. That... made him feel a lot better. He could feel the butterflies dancing in his chest at the words, ‘ _taken_ ’. "Alistair talks without thinking about it first. If he had known you were my... that we were... you know, he wouldn't have hit on you, I'm sure."

“He did proceed to call you lucky once he found out I was seeing you,” Fenris said. “He seems like a nice enough guy. Apologised profusely about every other word that left his mouth.”

"That sounds like Alistair," Hawke chuckled, not seeming to be angered by the comment. "I'm not worried about what Alistair says. He wouldn't try to steal you from me." He leaned over to wrap his arm around Fenris's shoulders and kissed his cheek. "Plus, I am much more charming than Alistair. I think so, anyways."

“You have me, Hawke,” Fenris said and leaned into his touch. He reached up to kiss his cheek. As far as he was concerned, there was no one better for him than Hawke.

Hawke smiled at that, his cheeks turning a little pink though by his expression he was absolutely thrilled by the gesture.

"Ready to get going?" he asked, turning towards him. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

“Yes, I could definitely eat,” Fenris nodded. He let Hawke take his hand and the two of them made their way to the restaurant they had discussed. Seeing the familiar sights made Fenris feel that warm, fuzzy feeling again. This was a good choice.

When they got their table, they ordered their drinks and Hawke took Fenris's hands in his, kissing his knuckles openly. When he pulled away, he looked down at their hands with an absent smile, clearly thinking about something other than just this date.

"I like coming here," he said. "We should make this a regular occasion."

This place certainly had sentimental and nostalgic value. It was where they had their first date, where all of this had begun. Fenris definitely liked it here too.

“I would like that,” he said.

"Me too," Hawke hummed, looking off towards some of the posters in thought. Then, he turned back towards Fenris and squeezed his hands. "You know uh.... you're not the only one who has something to tell. Well, I have something I'd like to ask you, actually. And now's as good a time as any."

“What is it?” Fenris asked.

He couldn’t think what he could possibly ask that was this serious. If it wasn’t serious, there wouldn’t be all this build up, so it had to be. Admittedly, it made him a little nervous. What if he was going to ask him something he wasn’t prepared to answer? He thought getting out of the house for a date would make it easier to avoid this sort of thing.

"Well, I wanted to ask if you wanted to move in together," Hawke said with a smile. "You with me or me with you, or we can pick out a new apartment altogether just for the two of us. We already see each other so often anyways. But... if you don't want to do that, that's okay too."

He didn't sound like he meant that last sentence, but he'd said it anyways.

That gave Fenris pause. Hawke wanted to… move in together? They would sleep in the same bed every night, eat all their meals together. He was sure that before he moved into his own place, he would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. Now he had reason to be hesitant.

“And here you were so insistent on me gaining my independence,” he said, not answering the question.

Hawke chuckled at and blushed, remembering how keen he’d been on that at one point in time.

“I really like you, Fenris,” he said. “Like really like you. Whenever you stayed the night it made me realize how much I’d like that to be... every night. It would save us both money in the long run because we’d split rent, and we could car pool. I don’t know... to me it just... sounds like a good idea. That’s all.”

“You… make a lot of sense,” Fenris said. He couldn’t see any reason he shouldn’t do it, but something was holding him back. That strange feeling he had in his gut sometimes when things got serious. “Give me a few days to think about it?”

“Uhm... yeah, sure, of course,” Hawke nodded, though he couldn’t help but feel like that was rejection.

He hated that he felt like Fenris was always... pushing him away. Every time Hawke tried to advance their relationship in any way, Fenris panicked or tensed up. What was he doing wrong? Was it... going back to the way it was before? Did Fenris not want to advance this relationship? He felt a pang in his gut.

No, of course not. That’s nonsense. This was a big decision, it only made sense that he needed time to think about it. That didn’t mean anything about his feelings towards Hawke... Right?

Fenris could sense Hawke’s sadness. He reached across the table so he could take his hand in his, intertwining their fingers and squeezing comfortingly.

“I like you a lot Hawke,” he said. “And I really liked staying over last night. I just need a little time to think everything over before I make a big decision like that.”

Hawke smiled a little, looking down at their hands and taking a deep breath to try to suppress the lump that was forming in his throat.

"I understand," he said softly, meeting his eyes. "You know me, I'm just... sensitive. That's all. No matter what you decide, I'll be okay."

“You wouldn’t be Hawke if you weren’t,” Fenris met his eyes as he spoke. He wouldn’t want Hawke to be any other way, he liked him just the way he was.

Hawke felt his chest swell with a new warmth as Fenris said the words. He couldn't help but smile even more, his heart pounding in his chest. He wished they weren't in a public place so that he could just kiss him. Hawke was falling in love, no question. And it was such a strange thing to acknowledge.

"You're too good to me," he said as the waitress brought them their food. "I don't think I tell you that enough."

“You don’t feel… undeserving of me, do you? I worry sometimes that it makes you feel bad about yourself,” Fenris said, eyebrows knitted together with concern. He squeezed his hand again.

"Makes me feel bad about myself? No," Hawke shook his head and sighed. "Sometimes I... do wonder how I got so lucky, or what I did to deserve someone like you. But the fact that you're still here is a confidence boost, if anything."

“After the way I treated you, the things that I have done and had done to me, it will never not be… shocking to hear you say that,” Fenris said. “I appreciate it, of course, that you… like me so much. But it can be a little overwhelming to be treated in such a respect. I hope you know that I treasure you. You are a caring, selfless man who has done more than enough for me.”

"Fen... you're going to make me cry," Hawke got out, his voice cracking as he covered his mouth with one of his hands. The other held tightly onto Fenris's, thumb caressing his knuckles.

Fuck, he _loved_ this man. He could feel it in the pulsing through him. In fact, it was that realization alone that was truly pushing those tears out of the corners of his eyes.

"Oh. Please don't," Fenris said, mildly panicked. Had he upset Hawke? What was it about what he said? He needed to fix this somehow. "If I said something wrong please tell me and I won't do it again, I don't want you to be upset."

Hawke couldn’t help but laugh. Fenris thought he’d made him sad. He leaned down with wet cheeks to kiss Fenris’s hands and hold them against his cheeks, using them to wipe a couple of his tears away.

“You haven’t upset me, Fenris,” he chuckled between sniffles. “These are _happy_ tears. It happens to me more often than I’d like to admit.”

Fenris's cheeks flushed with red as he realised his mistake. Oh. It hadn't been a bad thing after all.

"Oh, I'm glad then. You had me worried for a moment there," he said, relieved.

“You’re just fine,” Hawke assured him as he let him go. “But we should probably eat before our food gets cold.”

It had been sitting between them, forgotten in the midst of the conversation. He’d even forgotten just how hungry he was.

Fenris nodded and picked up his cutlery so he could begin digging in. Hawke had provided such a distraction that his food probably could have gone off before he noticed.

The two ate in silence as they usually did, just because it was surprisingly peaceful that way. When they finished, the waitress cleared their table and Hawke was happy to fill his hands with Fenris’s once again. He kissed his finger tips and sighed.

“Ready to head back?” he asked, meeting his eyes.

“Yes,” Fenris nodded. He stood up from his seat and brushed himself off. After they’d paid the bill, the two stepped outside the restaurant. “I had a nice time.”

“I did as well,” Hawke chirped. “Take as much time as you need to think about... the moving in thing. I can wait.” He gave him a little kiss on the cheek. “And whatever you decide... I’ll be okay with it.”

“I will. I’ll let you know as soon as I come to a decision,” Fenris said. He smiled at the kiss on his cheek and then took Hawke’s hands in his so he could pull him towards him for a proper kiss with no care for how they were in a public place.

Hawke kissed him back happily, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tight. He was so thankful to have this man in his life, even if their relationship was rather strange and completely absent of sex. In all honesty, Hawke wouldn’t mind if they never had sex. As long as they stayed together and as long as Fenris was happy, Hawke was happy.

When they parted, Fenris met his gaze. Maker, he wished things weren’t so difficult, he wished he didn’t feel so broken as to not want to take the steps normal couples did. Why couldn’t things be simpler? That’s all he wanted.

“I should go home,” he mumbled, hands slowly letting of him. “Keep in touch.”

“I... I will,” Hawke stammered. “I promise.”

 

Over the next few days Hawke texted Fenris sparingly, enough to keep in touch as promised without overwhelming him. He was admittedly very anxious, though. He was waiting for a text that would tell him he’d been rejected. He wished it would come sooner, that way he could just move on from it, recover from it.

Fenris on the other hand, had spent his days thinking about why he _shouldn’t_ move in. He was struggling to come up with anything viable. The idea of sleeping in the same bed and eating all their meals together did sound very appealing. In the end, he tried to type up a text that would tell him he wanted to move in. Something so simple and yet he couldn’t find the words. Instead, he just started piling all his things (of which he didn’t have many) into one big box.

Once everything was packed, he handed off his key to Varric and left the rest to him. Hawke wanted to move in so there wasn’t going to be a problem if he just… showed up, right? He made his way over and knocked on Hawke’s door, box in his hands.

Hawke was watching TV with Buddy when he heard the knock. The dog barked but Hawke silenced him, rising to his feet slowly and going to answer the door. When he saw Fenris standing there with a box in his hands he stood stiff. What was he doing here? Was that... his stuff? His heart was beating so hard he could hardly stand it.

As he walked inside, Fenris remained quiet. The box should’ve sent a clear message, surely. Once he was a fair distance inside the house, he turned around with the box still in his arms.

“Where should I put my things?” he asked.

“I- you—” Hawke gaped at him, not sure what to make of this situation. Was this really happening? Was Fenris really about to move in with him? “Are you... are you moving in?”

He couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around it, just staring owlishly at the other man.

“Yes. That should be clear by now, no?” Fenris cocked an eyebrow at him and then looked down at his box. “I’m assuming that it’s still okay for me to move in.”

“I just... I didn’t think you would actually agree,” Hawke stuttered, a smile covering his features. “You can uh... you can put your stuff in my bedroom.”

He couldn’t seem to stop smiling as he spoke, as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. Fenris had agreed to _live_ with him. He’d wake up to his face every morning and make him breakfast. This was _really_ happening.

Fenris nodded, not hesitating to saunter off to the bedroom and put his box down. He took the initiative to start taking things out as it was mostly clothes anyway. Hopefully Hawke wouldn’t mind him taking one of the empty drawers for himself.

Hawke followed him into the bedroom and proceeded to help him unpack, unable to contain the sheer joy that he felt.

“So... what made you decide to agree?” he asked as he folded some of the clothes and put them in the drawer. “You seemed really hesitant originally. I thought you were gonna turn me down.”

“It was a big decision, I wasn’t sure if it was best for me to… live with someone else again. But I thought that… I’m making my own income, it’s not like I am going to be dependent on you. I struggled to think of any reasons I shouldn’t move in so I… here I am,” Fenris explained.

“Well, you’ve made me the happiest guy ever,” Hawke said. He pulled Fenris into his arms and gave him a hug, also giving him a big fat kiss on the cheek. He was so in love with this man. He couldn’t thank him enough for choosing to stay with him, to live with him.

It made Fenris chuckle. He leaned against his chest, enjoying the full force of the hug and turning it into more of a cuddle.

“I have already given the key to my apartment to Varric. I’m here to stay,” he said.

“You won’t regret it,” Hawke said softly, resting his cheek on the other man’s shoulder. He didn’t want to let go of him, even though he knew Fenris wasn’t going to leave, he still held on tight. Savouring every moment of his presence.

“I hope not,” Fenris nodded. He eventually managed to get Hawke to let go of him but he kept his hands on Hawke’s arms.

Hawke met the other man’s eyes, still smiling as he gently rested his hands on his waist.

“I was just about to start making dinner,” he hummed. “Would you like to join me?”

“Of course,” Fenris replied. He was looking forward to sharing meals with him and Hawke cooking for the two of them was certainly something he could get used to.

 

For the first month or so of living together, life could not have been more perfect. Hawke fell more and more in love with Fenris each day, with every morning he woke up to his face and every night he fell asleep with him cradled in his arms. Hawke had begun to think a lot about his feelings, and how he would go about expressing them to Fenris without scaring him away. He remembered the family broach his father had given his mother, that Gamlen had sold to a pawn shop a long time ago. Perhaps he could get lucky and discover that it was still there. It was his family broach after all, what meaning would it have to someone else?

So one day, when he had the day off but Fenris was still at work, he went by the very same pawn shop to try his luck. With a bit of searching, he saw it in the jewellery section in a little glass case. It was just as he remembered it, and right there within his grasp. He grinned, waving over the clerk.

“How much is this?” he asked, pointing to the broach.

“$5,000,” the clerk said without even having to stop to think about it. Hawke felt like someone had just come up to his hopes and dreams and popped them like a balloon.

“ _$5,000?_ How on _Earth_ is this worth that much?!” he shouted in utter disbelief.

“It’s decorated with diamonds, and that there? Real rubies.  Appraiser valued it at $6,000 but it’s been gathering dust, so,” the clerk shrugged.

“This is _my_ family sigil,” he insisted, finger on the glass. “Can I talk you down on the price? The most I can pay for it is $1,000 and it’s not even worth that much.”

“$5,000 or no broach,” the clerk insisted with a stern look on his face. “I don’t give a damn who’s sigil it is. I paid $5,000 for this thing and I’m getting my money back for it.”

Damnit, Gamlen. This was all his fault. Hawke frowned, glaring at the man as he stepped slowly away from the glass case.

“I’ll be back,” he said. “And when I come back, that broach is mine.”

The clerk scoffed, rolling his eyes at Hawke as he turned and left the pawnshop.

He would bring home that broach for Fenris if it was the last thing he did. He could probably put in some more hours at the store and the bakery to afford it. He’d be gone almost all the time but hopefully it would be worth it. Once he got the broach back, nothing else would matter. He was sure of it.

However, once he’d started to do just that, he didn’t realize just _how much_ work he would have to do.

 

Fenris had noticed the amount of time Hawke was spending at work. Even though he’d moved in to spend more time with Hawke, sometimes it felt like he spent more time with him when they’d lived apart. At least they slept in each other’s arms each night, he supposed. But it was beginning to set Fenris on edge. Was he actively avoiding him? Had he done something wrong? Hawke had been so eager for him to move in, it didn’t make any sense.

“Are you okay? You’ve been working a lot of overtime lately,” Fenris mentioned to him one day as he cleaned the dishes.

Hawke didn’t want to have to lie to Fenris, but he couldn’t exactly tell him what he was doing. Fenris would tell him he didn’t have to, and it would ruin the surprise. He’d understand once it was all over, once he finally had the broach.

“Half the staff quit at the store, I’m one of the only employees left,” he said. “It’s only temporary, Fen. It’ll be back to normal soon.”

Perhaps it would’ve convinced anybody else, but not Fenris. He could feel something was wrong, his words just weren’t sitting with him right. What reason would Hawke have to lie to him? He wasn’t… cheating on him or something, was he? No, Hawke wouldn’t do that. However, it still raised the question as to what he was doing with so much overtime.

“If you say so. I miss you at home,” he said.

Hawke pouted a little and came up behind Fenris to wrap his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He wished this could be easier, that he wasn’t in this predicament, but it was for _good_ , he told himself.

“I miss you too, Fenris,” he murmured, kissing his cheek. “I don’t like this any more than you do.”

“I don’t know why you need to work two jobs anymore anyway. You have me here now, my income. We’d get by if you worked just one,” Fenris commented, leaning back a little into his embrace.

“You’re right, Fenris,” Hawke huffed a little dejectedly, resting his cheek on his shoulder and savouring the comfort of his warmth. “But my bosses need me. When all of this stuff blows over and they have a full staff again, I’ll quit. I promise.”

He knew in his head he meant that he’d quit as soon as he had the broach, which would do fine enough. That way he could make up for all of this lost time.

“It’s Valentine’s day in a few weeks. You’ll book that off at least, won’t you? I have… something planned for us,” Fenris said. He put down the clean dishes and turned in Hawke’s hold so he was facing him, meeting his eyes.

“Of course, Fen,” he said with a smile, brushing some hair out of his face. “I’ll make sure that I can be home with you that day. I promise.”

“Good. I’ll be setting up the preparations then. No backing out, you hear me? Or I will be very upset with you,” Fenris said, eyes narrowing.

“I won’t back out,” he cooed with a big smile. “Whatever you have planned, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Fenris let out a sigh of relief. Maybe it would all make sense later. He wanted to at least enjoy this coming Valentine’s day with someone. It was going to be good, he wanted to make sure of that.

 

Over the next few weeks, the tension between them had finally begun to alleviate with the promise that Valentine’s day was around the corner, and that day would belong only to them. Hawke was thrilled, and he’d informed his boss that he’d need to get off early that day for his boyfriend. He agreed, which only made Hawke more excited for it.

However, when the day came, Hawke was packing up and beginning to go to grab his pay check and walk out the door when his boss stopped him.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Uh- home? I have a date tonight, remember?” Hawke said, blinking in confusion.

“Hawke, do you _see_ how many people are here? You’re staying right where you are until this place clears out or I’m keeping your check.”

Hawke gaped, unable to believe what he was hearing. “You can’t do that! I’ve _earned_ that check, every dollar of it!”

“Does it look like there’s anyone here who’s gonna stop me?” he threatened, grabbing the envelope and moving to tear it. Hawke panicked and reached over to stop him, taking the envelope in his hands.

“Alright, alright, I’ll stay,” he said, almost out of breath.

“Good boy,” his boss huffed, putting the envelope back on the counter. “Now go put your uniform back on.”

 

In the house, Fenris had left Hawke directions to the restaurant he’d booked and a note for him to dress nice. It would be a nice little surprise, he thought, and there was no way Hawke could miss it. He left early after showering and dressing himself in a nice shirt and tie that he’d bought specifically for this date. He’d never done anything like this before for someone else so he was understandably nervous, but everything seemed to be going well so far.

The table he’d booked was in its own little booth and as evening came, it was illuminated only by candlelight. The view from the window was marvellous, the stars twinkling over the cityscape. Fenris drummed his fingers on the table as he waited for Hawke to either shoot him a text or arrive. He’d allow him time as he needed to dress up and quietly kept sipping on his water.

Fenris had stayed at the restaurant until closing hours and the staff had to force him to leave. He could see the pity in their eyes, knowing that he’d been stood up on valentine’s day when he’d booked such an expensive, sought after location. On the way home, he checked his phone one last time but there was no word from Hawke. Not even an apology.

He threw himself on the sofa when he got back, a lump in his throat. Hawke had promised him. All that money he blew on that date and for nothing, only to make him look like a fool. Maybe he really was trying to escape him.

All he could do was wait for him to come back.

 

Hawke felt miserable for every hour that he worked, constantly looking up at the doors and at the clock. He tried to take a moment to sneak onto his phone but every time he tried, his boss came around, and the last thing he needed was another reason for that rotten man to rip up his check. It was 11:30 PM when he finally got to go home, after the store had closed down for the night. When he took his check, he looked his boss dead in the eyes as he said:

"I'm never coming back here again."

And he walked out the door.

There was one good thing that came out of this, though. With that check, he finally had enough money to get that broach from the pawnshop. He loved the look on that old clerk’s face when he saw Hawke happily write him a check for $5,000 and then walk out the door with the broach in hand. He had his prize, all of this hard work and all of this misery, and he finally had it. Hopefully this would make it up to Fenris, he thought as he hid it in the pocket of his coat.  He could only hope.

When Hawke arrived, he made sure it was with a bouquet of roses in hand. However, he had a sinking feeling that wouldn't save him as he walked in the door and he saw Fenris laying on the couch, dressed nice with his arm draped over his eyes, cheeks red with anguish. Hawke's heart plummeted right into his stomach.

"Fenris?" He said quietly. "Hey, I'm so sorry for being late and for not getting a hold of you. The boss wouldn't let me leave. I know it doesn't make up for it, but I got you these."

He stepped a little closer with a tentative nature to his movements, holding the flowers towards him with a weak smile.

At his voice, Fenris peeled back his arm to look at him. Fury and sadness both resonated in his eyes even as he looked at the flowers. He couldn’t believe this. He had the nerve to come in here and apologise for this like he’d just… accidentally stepped on his foot or something.

“You said you wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said, voice breaking a little.

"Fenris..." Hawke's face fell and he set the bouquet off to the side, kneeling down beside Fenris on the couch and reaching out to take his hand. "I'm so, so sorry.  He practically chained me in there, Fenris. I couldn't leave, as much as I wanted to. I... I didn't want to miss this, Fenris. You have to know that."

Fenris shook his head and stood up. He walked straight past him and retrieved the note he had written for him, shoving it against his chest and letting him read it.

“I waited in that restaurant for four hours. I spent a ridiculous amount of money securing the table. It was a private booth lit with candles and a view of the city. Do you know how hard it is to get a seat like that on valentine’s day?” he said. “You didn’t see the way the servers looked at me Hawke. They pitied me. That I’d been stood up.”

Hawke looked slowly down at the paper Fenris had written for him and he felt like he'd just been struck in the gut by a sledgehammer. This was his fault. This was all _his_ fault.

"Fenris—" he began, not even sure how to make words as he reread the paper over and over again, his eyes slowly turning pink with his own anguish as he realized just what he had done. "Maker, Fenris, I'm so sorry. You deserve better than this. I... I have nothing to say. I have no excuse. I should have left, no matter the consequences, just to be with you. But I didn't. I left you there. And I'm sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t change anything. You made me look like an idiot. How am I supposed to trust you when you tell me you wouldn’t miss it for the world and you did? No one could physically stop you from walking out of your workplace. Weren’t you going to quit anyway?” Fenris continued. “Why should I even believe you? I wanted to, I did, that you were being honest with me when you said that you needed to work those extra hours. It feels like you’re avoiding me.”

"No, Fenris, I would never avoid you. Fenris, I-I'm—" he began, but he stopped, tripping over his words. Was now the right time for him to say it? Would it just push Fenris further away? "I... He threatened to rip up my check if I didn't stay. Normally, if the circumstances had been any different, I would have let him do it, and I would have left. But I needed that money, Fenris. I've been... I've lied to you. I wasn't working those jobs because I was helping my boss after everyone else quit. I worked those jobs because I was saving up money. I was.... There was something I wanted to get for you. Something I couldn't afford but I had to get it for you. I lied to you and I hoped that... well, I hoped that you would understand once I got it but now that we're here, having this conversation..." he looked down at the ground, unable to look the other man in the eyes.

Fenris stared at him, quiet for a moment as he drank in this new information. But his expression quickly hardened again.

“Do you even know me?” Fenris said in disbelief. “After being married to a rich man for most of my life, I could care less about materialistic things, especially expensive ones. You do not need to spend money on me Hawke, if you are trying to win my affections that way. I appreciate the gesture but I’m… I’m shocked that you think I would care more about receiving some… object than actually spending time with _you_.”

"No it's... it's not that, it's not even worth what I paid for it but I couldn't talk the guy down," he said, trying to defend himself but quickly failing. "I know that I made a mistake, Fenris. But... for what it's worth, I wanted you to have this."

He pulled the broach from his coat pocket, grabbing Fenris's hand and putting it into his palm.

"It was my mother's. My uncle sold it to a pawn shop, apparently ran by the biggest asshole in the face of mankind," he explained, still not meeting the other man's eyes. "My father gave it to her and I... I wanted to give you something that showed you just how much you mean to me. That I... well, frankly, that I love you." He swallowed, feeling his chest grow progressively tighter with every word that left his lips. "And so far, none of my actions have done anything to express that truth and Fenris, I can't apologize enough. Nothing I can say can fix what I've done tonight and I'm sorry."

Slowly, Fenris looked down from Hawke to the broach in his hand. It sure was fancy. He studied it, unable to help admiring it a little for all its pretty jewels. It meant something to Hawke, a family heirloom, but that still didn’t excuse what he’d done. He was still definitely angry.

“Hawke I…” he stammered. “I don’t know what you expect me to say.”

"You don't have to say anything," Hawke said with a sigh, stepping back away from him. "I just... I know I've fucked up. Really badly. I quit that job as soon as I left and I'm willing to quit the other one too if you'll give me a second chance. I made a huge mistake and I... Fenris, I don't want to lose you."

He could feel the tears welling in his eyes and he fought them desperately, wiping some away with the back of his hand as he looked up at Fenris with the expression of a kicked puppy.

“Shouldn’t you have thought of that before you stood me up? You admitted that you lied to me, how am I supposed to trust you? How can I possibly know that you’re not just… saying that so I feel bad for you and forgive you? I’ve been manipulated my whole life and I won’t be again,” Fenris said. He couldn’t look at Hawke any more. Seeing his expression made his chest burn.

"I... Fenris—" Hawke looked utterly defeated as Fenris turned away from him. His chest was so tight that he felt like it was about to burst. This was the most painful thing he'd ever experienced in his life and no one had even laid a hand on him. "Please don't do this. I can-... I can make it up to you, I promise.”

“It has been difficult for me, being in this relationship. I knew you wanted to be intimate with me, to put a label on this and… it frightened me. I was afraid of this. Of deciding to take the risk and letting myself be close to someone again and then being… my trust being betrayed. It’s not about the money or the stupid date, it’s about trust,” Fenris said, fists shaking.

"Fenris, you know I'd never force anything on you that you didn't want," Hawke returned, his sadness suddenly turning into defensiveness. "I've never done anything to imply that I was attempting to take advantage of you. Ever. I lied because I wanted this to be a surprise. I knew that if I told you that I was saving up $5,000 for a family heirloom to give to you then you'd tell me not to. It would have ruined the point of it. I know I made a mistake and this wasn't the way to go about it, Fenris, but that doesn't change anything about how I feel about you."

“Why do you think I never told you how I felt? I knew you’d think I was being stupid and irrational and… I felt terrible about it, about thinking of you that way, like there was something wrong with me,” Fenris shook his head. “You could’ve given me this heirloom any time if you were so insistent on it.  Valentine’s day wouldn’t have made it any more meaningful. All I wanted was to spend this day with you. That’s it.”

"Fenris, if you had been _open_ with me, and if you had _told_ me, I would not have ridiculed you. I would have tried to help you, we could have worked through it _together_. But you blocked me out. That's no one's fault but your own. I would have listened to you, Fenris, no matter how irrational your fears may have seemed. I would have done _anything_ ," Hawke pressed his lips into a line, his cheeks starting to turn red as he looked at Fenris. "I said that I would make today up to you and I mean that. I can't go back and fix what I did wrong but I can try to do the best that I can now. If you'll let me."

The lump in Fenris’s throat only felt more obstructive with his words. Of course. He should’ve seen this coming. Perhaps he deserved it, for being as broken as he was. Maker, it was happening, wasn’t it? He was going to cry. Desperately, he rubbed at his eyes and turned away from him. He was _stupid_ , this whole situation was _stupid_.

“Maybe I should go,” he said, voice cracking.

"No, Fenris, no," Hawke sighed and moved closer to him, gently taking his shoulders in his hands.  He couldn't let Fenris just walk away from this relationship now, not after everything they've been through. He couldn't. "Don't leave. We can _fix_ this, Fenris. It's not too late."

“No, I think I should go,” Fenris said, gently brushing Hawke’s hands off him. “Clearly, I’m not ready for this commitment. I’m sorry Hawke, I don’t know what you expected getting into a relationship with someone like me.”

Hawke stared at him in horror with teary eyes as he walked away. He was wiped speechless as Fenris walked out the door, and as soon as it shut, he couldn't stop the tears from falling. He let his back collapse against the nearest wall, trying his best to catch his breath, to try to wrap his mind around what had just happened. Fenris was gone. And there was nothing he could do now to convince him to stay. He had it decided, set in his mind that he couldn't handle being with Hawke any longer. He bit back a sob and before he could think to stop himself he punched the wall, creating a sizeable dent as he collapsed to his knees. Fenris was gone. The love of his life was gone. What was he supposed to do now?

Fenris found himself in no better state. As he walked down the street in the dark, he remembered the broach curled tightly in his fist. There was no way he could go back in that house and give it back now. It had been a gift anyway, there was no harm hanging onto it, surely?

He spent the night in a hotel, staring mostly up at the ceiling. Partway through the night, he let it all out and cried like a child into the pillow. Hawke had been his best shot at a normal, healthy relationship and he’d squandered it. Perhaps he wasn’t worthy of it.

Even despite his grief, he pulled himself into work the next few days. He hadn’t been able to take care of himself too well and the bags under his eyes were more prominent than ever. He knew he was a mess, but he couldn’t care to do anything about it.


	12. Alistair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finds some comfort in his new good friend Alistair, but things get a little petty when Hawke's around. Could there still be feelings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i completely forgot to update this on sunday. im so sorry, in return, here's a long chapter for being 2 days late :')
> 
> as stated, this fic subscribes to the bi!Alistair hc, something that comes into play a lot here. i promise we'll get back to our scheduled fenhawke soon
> 
> enjoy!

Alistair had noticed right away that Fenris wasn’t his usual self. He had hesitated to say something, wanting to mind his own business but by the fourth day he was becoming very concerned. He approached Fenris towards the end of his shift, touching his shoulder gently.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Are you feeling okay? You look like you could use some coffee.”

“Do I look _that_ bad?” Fenris asked light-heartedly, looking towards Alistair with a suddenly solemn expression. He was surprised at how eager he was to melt into the touch, even if it was just a light hand on his shoulder.

“Well, no offense, but yes,” Alistair said with a little laugh. “Wanna go to the cafe once you clock out? I’ll buy, if it’ll help you feel better. And we can talk if you... are comfortable talking.”

It gave Fenris pause. This was… just going to be a friendly event, right? They’d get coffee like friends. He was offering him an ear and he clearly wanted to help. There was nothing wrong about this situation.

“Sure,” he said. “I suppose I can handle that.”

“Alright, c’mon then,” he smiled and moved to clock out himself before he hesitated at the door. He felt bad for Fenris but he was glad he was going to get to try and help him. “We can walk and talk at the same time, and it’s really nice out.”

Fenris followed Alistair outside, the two of them walking side by side. He hadn't spoken to anyone since his breakup with Hawke but Alistair had been a good friend to him. He'd also debated texting Isabela about the situation but he didn't think she'd be much help. Plus, it would be easier to do it in person rather than over text.

"This is nice of you by the way," he mentioned, looking at Alistair.

“Oh, don’t mention it,” he said with a chuckle and a wave of his hand. “You’re my friend, at least, I think we’re friends. The least I can do is try and be there for you. I’d be a sorta shitty friend otherwise, right?”

"I'd like to consider you a friend," Fenris nodded, shooting him a slight smile. It was already making him feel a little better, just making pleasant conversation with someone. He hadn't realised how much he depended on social interaction.

“Aw, see, this is what friends are for,” Alistair said with a big smile. They arrived at the café before too long and Alistair picked out a table for them. Once they’d ordered their coffee, Alistair turned back towards him with a continued smile. “So… what’s got you all stressed, Fenris? What happened?”

Fenris took a deep breath. He wondered if he and Hawke talked at all. Obviously not enough if he didn’t yet know. “Hawke and I broke up. I’m… currently living in a hotel, as we moved in together.”

“Oh shit, Fenris—” Alistair blinked at him owlishly, looking genuinely surprised. “When I last talked to Hawke he seemed so... happy about his relationship with you. You seemed happy with him as well. I... What happened? Sorry. I mean... you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I know how hard it must be.”

“It’s fine, I should talk about it. Not talking about my problems seems to be one of my biggest flaws,” Fenris said, eyes shifting towards the floor. “It’s just… rather complicated. I have some intimacy issues, given the nature of a past relationship. That’s a whole other story. Hawke was working a lot and I hardly saw him, when I asked him about it he lied to me and told me they needed him because they were short on staff. Instead, he was saving up to buy me some… family broach and didn’t want to ruin the surprise. I asked him to take Valentine’s day off and he told me he wouldn’t miss it for the world. I waited four hours in an expensive restaurant I’d booked for Hawke to show up. He didn’t even text me to tell me he wasn’t coming, he just stood me up. We fought about it when he got home and I… broke up with him and left.”

“Oh Fenris... I’m so sorry. I know you two really liked each other, or it seemed like it, at least,” Alistair said, eyes going wide as he reached out to put a hand on Fenris’s shoulder. “I haven’t had a bad break up like that but... I know what it’s like to go through that loss. I’m so sorry this happened to you. He’s my friend but if I need to go rough him up for hurting you, I will.”

Fenris shook his head and put a hand lightly on the one on his shoulder. “I appreciate the gesture, but it’s fine. I’m sure Hawke is just as upset about the breakup as I am, he doesn’t need anything else to bother him.”

“If you’re both so sad about this break up.... then, why did you break up in the first place?” Alistair said, tilting his head a little curiously. “I know what he did was wrong, I’m not defending him, but if he feels bad about it, surely he’d want to fix things? Sorry if I’m prodding too much I just... I’m trying to understand. But also, it’s not my business either, so I’d understand if you didn’t wanna... share.”

“With the way things are right now, I don’t want to take the risk of this happening again. I’m… running away from my problems, I know, but I just want… space,” Fenris sighed. “It is by no means Hawke’s fault but he is… _a lot._ There’s a lot of pressure to make commitments and expressions romantic grandeur that I just don’t think I’m ready for.”

“I understand why that might be a problem,” Alistair said with a nod. “I’m still sorry that it didn’t work out. I’m sure that this is really hard for you. I’ll do whatever I can to help. I promise.”

“That is very kind of you,” Fenris said. He squeezed his hand lightly. “I wish things didn’t have to be this difficult. All I wanted was to have a nice Valentine’s day.”

“Do you want a hug?” Alistair asked, meeting his eyes. “Hugs usually make me feel better whenever I’m in a bad situation like this.”

That caught Fenris off guard and he blinked wildly at Alistair. He didn’t want to admit that he was feeling a little touch-starved since his breakup with Hawke but he knew it was true. Unable to find the words to agree, and a little embarrassed to, he nodded.

Alistair smiled and he had no problem with moving his chair around the table to sit beside Fenris so that he could wrap his arms around him and pull him into a hug. He was strong and physically built, not as much as Hawke but enough to be noticeable. He smelled like honey and sports deodorant which wasn’t really a bad combination, but unique to him nonetheless.

Fenris took in the smell, the feeling. He leaned his head on Alistair’s shoulder and let himself melt into the hug just for a moment. It was surprising how much better he felt with just that bit of comfort. He didn’t let himself linger too much just in case Alistair got the wrong idea and slipped out of his grasp a few moments later.

Alistair returned to his side of the table as their coffee was brought to them and he happily took a long sip, swirling the contents absently with a straw.

“And you can always come to me about anything, Fenris,” he said, looking up at him and meeting his eyes. “I’ve got your back, and I’ll help you through this as best as I can.”

“It’s enough that you’re listening to me,” Fenris wrapped his fingers around his own mug of coffee and took a sip. “I don’t wish to trouble you too much, please don’t worry.”

“If you insist,” he said with a smile. “Tell you what, I go bowling with a group of friends some weekends. You and I should go, maybe it’ll take your mind off of everything.”

At the preposition, Fenris looked down into his coffee mug. He supposed it couldn’t hurt to go. It would certainly be better than sitting around in that hotel room feeling sorry for himself.

“…Okay,” he said.

“It’ll be fun, I promise, and if it’s not, well... I’ll buy you more coffee to make up for it, I guess,” Alistair laughed at that. He was happy that Fenris was letting him in, letting him help. He felt terrible that this had happened to him, but perhaps it was for the best. Maybe this was good for Fenris, who knows?

“Sounds like a deal,” Fenris said, lifting his head back up and smiling. He was thankful for Alistair’s help. Who knew where he’d be without it?

 

Over the days leading up to the weekend, Alistair and Fenris had become rather close. They talked through the entirety of their shifts, joking around and laughing. When Friday did come, they left work together to walk to the bowling alley, since it was just around the corner and neither of them wanted to waste the gas. Alistair was very excited about this, more than he wanted to admit. This was his first time really hanging out outside of work and that short coffee they shared on Monday. He was hoping it would go well.

As he got ready, Fenris had to stop and wonder why he was fussing so much over what he was going to wear. This was ridiculous. It was just Alistair. He threw on a t-shirt, jacket, and a pair of skinny jeans before heading out the door to meet up with him.

Alistair was dressed in similar attire, a polo and a jacket with a pair of slightly worn jeans. He smiled, looking Fenris over for a moment and mentally admiring how refreshing it was to see him out of uniform. He shoved his hands in his pockets absently.

“Hey,” he said. “It’s nice to see you out of uniform.”

“You too,” Fenris said, nodding. Having friends he could see regularly was definitely new and different, but he was already quite enjoying it. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah, whenever you are,” Alistair cooed. The two walked together to the bowling alley, making small talk on the way.

When they arrived, Alistair got the door for him and paid the man up front for their shoes and reserving one of the lanes for them. He sat down on one of the benches to change shoes, humming as he did so.

“Have you ever played?” he asked as he looked up at him. “Because, I’ll tell ya, I’ve got a pretty _mean_ arm.”

“Not that I can remember,” Fenris said. He had a feeling if he’d ever played before his accident that muscle memory would kick in. Bowling could be considered a sport, right? He was pretty good at sports. “Sorry, I know that must sound… strange.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind teaching you,” he said as he stood up. He grabbed one of the balls and he held it out to Fenris. “Here, put your fingers in the holes like this. It’s a little heavy, so be careful.”

The weight of the bowling ball did come as a bit of a shock, but Fenris quickly adjusted. He nodded along to Alistair’s words and with his instruction, threw the first ball down the lane.

Alistair watched as the ball rolled into the pit, completely missing the pins. He chuckled a little and gave Fenris a friendly pat on the shoulder.

“That’s okay, now try that again. Try to aim for the middle,” he said. He handed him another ball and gave him a big smile. “You’ve got this.”

Fenris huffed, cheeks pink with embarrassment. Clearly, he hadn’t done this before. Alistair seemed more than forgiving. He took the next ball and threw it down the lane, hitting a solid half of the pins.

“There we go,” he smirked.

“Look at you! I told you that you had this,” Alistair said, shaking his shoulder a little. “Now, let me show you how this is done,” he gave Fenris a big proud grin as he took his own ball and stepped before the lane, rolling the ball with a posture of grace before he stumbled; nearly falling face first on the lane. The ball knocked over at least half of the pins, like Fenris’s second roll, but his cheeks turned red with his own embarrassment. He straightened up and cleared his throat. “I uh... I meant to do that. That was intentional.”

Fenris stifled a chuckle, before covering his mouth to laugh. He’d made an idiot of himself and it surprisingly made him feel very at ease.

“Well done,” he teased as he finished laughing, wiping his eyes a little.

“Thanks,” Alistair said with a huff and a little grumble, grabbing his second ball to go for a spare. He missed, just by two pins and he sighed as he stepped away from the lane, the machine setting up the new pins. “Alright, your turn.”

He grabbed his ball for him once more and held it out with a big smile, though the blush was still on his cheeks.

Now he’d seen Alistair stumble, Fenris felt surprisingly smug. He took the ball and approached the lane, throwing it down with ease and hitting all except for one this time. This wasn’t so hard after all. He turned as he picked up the next bowling ball and shot Alistair a smile.

Alistair smiled back with a look of pride.

“There you go! See, you’ve got this,” he wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed. “Now just get that spare, and you’re good.”

He had to admit, he was enjoying this quite a lot already. Fenris was really fun to be around.

“I’m enjoying this more than I thought I would,” Fenris admitted. He moved to throw the next ball down the lane and missing it by a fraction of an inch, making him curse.

“I thought you were having fun?” Alistair teased with a laugh as he grabbed his own ball and approached the lane, waiting for the machine to set up the next pins.

“I was so close, it’s ridiculous,” Fenris huffed. Well, it just proved that he still needed practice before he was actually any good at this. He watched as Alistair had his turn.

“Yeah, that happens sometimes,” he laughed. “Here, I won’t mess up this time.” He gave Fenris a little wink before he rolled and watched with wide eyes as all the pins came crashing down and some lights flashed at the end. He beamed with pride and he crossed his arms over his chest with a smug expression. “See? I’m a pro.”

“Mhmm, we’ll see about that,” Fenris chuckled. A small part of him couldn’t help but find it cute, the way he beamed at him with such confidence. He shook the thought away as he brushed past him to collect a bowling ball for his turn.

“Hey, just remember, you’re _way_ better at this than Hawke was, we used to get the bumpers out for him,” he was smiling but his face fell when he realized what he’d just done. “Oh. Wait—no—forget I said that. I’m so sorry. It just... it slipped.”

When Hawke’s name left Alistair’s lips, his smile dropped. Just thinking about him still made his chest ache. He couldn’t deny that he cared for him, that maybe he should go back and try to fix things, but the longer he left it, the more he felt like he couldn’t do it.

“It’s fine,” he said, making his shot and knocking down all pins except three. He huffed and picked up the next one, hitting down two of the three remaining.

As Alistair grabbed the ball for his next one, he made a point of intentionally missing the pins completely, sending the ball right off of the lane with a little smirk playing on his lips.

“Oops,” he said with a shrug, watching as Fenris’s score raised above his on the rosters. “Look who’s winning.”

“You aren’t doing that on purpose, I hope,” Fenris hummed. He couldn’t tell if Alistair was purposefully trying to appease him, flirt with him. It seemed inappropriate given everything going on but… a part of him enjoyed the attention.

“What? Me? _No,”_ Alistair scoffed and waved his hand, rolling his eyes in order to dismiss the idea. “Your turn, Fenris.”

He stepped back from the lane, gesturing for him to go ahead and grab his next ball with a little more grandeur than necessary.

“Mhmm,” Fenris walked over to grab one, purposefully brushing against him again as he did. He picked up the bowling ball and made his next shot.

Alistair watched as Fenris got a strike of his own, more lights flashing as his score only got higher. He was grinning, eyes twinkling with admiration as he came over to Fenris and squeezed his arm.

“You learned from the best,” he said playfully as he grabbed his own ball, still smiling.

“Yes I suppose I did,” Fenris said. He watched him fondly, eyes roving over him for just a moment. It was wrong, he knew it, but he craved the attention so much.

Alistair caught his eyes looking him over and he couldn’t help but blush. He wasn’t sure if this was what he _thought_ it was but he wouldn’t question.

“Wanna get some nachos before I get another strike?” he said with his returned smile, leaning up against one of the tables.

“Sure,” Fenris nodded. He could eat. Perhaps eating would provide a viable distraction from Alistair’s uncanny charms. Maker, and he was supposed to be doing this to distract him from the problems he’d had with _Hawke._

“Alright, I’ll be right back,” Alistair gave Fenris a smile and a wink as he turned and headed towards the snack bar, buying them a huge platter of nachos. As he returned, he put the plate on the table between them and took a seat. “Here we go.”

He openly popped a chip into his mouth and made a happy sound.

“How many more rounds do we go for?” Fenris asked, taking a chip as well and popping it into his mouth. He didn’t quite understand all the ins and outs of how bowling worked but he did know that he was having fun playing with Alistair.

“Well we’re over halfway through,” he said with a smile. “Three more for each of us and that’ll be a game.”

He was having a lot of fun as well. It was nice to see Fenris smile after he was moping around all this time.

Fenris nodded. He took another few chips and leaned back in the seat he’d taken to eat. “I’m… having a nice time, by the way.”

“Oh, well, me too,” Alistair said with a smile, wiping some cheese from his chin. “I’m glad to hear that you’re having fun. That was the intention.”

“I think I needed this, to get out of that hotel room for a while and relax,” Fenris said. He took another chip. “I think you were right.”

“I’m happy to help,” Alistair assured him. “Though you should probably get an actual apartment soon. I’m sure it’s expensive to stay in that hotel for so long.”

“I should. I might be able to get my old place back from a friend, he was the one who set me up with it after… everything that happened with my past relationship. If I do, I know I’ll have to tell him what happened with Hawke, if Hawke hasn’t already told him,” Fenris huffed.

“I’m sure he’ll help you out either way, I doubt Hawke would make you out badly. He’s just not that kinda guy,” Alistair said, trying to be comforting. “If you need help to pay for a new apartment I don’t mind loaning you money.”

Fenris thought about it for a moment. He didn’t want to be in debt to Alistair. Besides, he’d managed before with that apartment on his wage.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he said. “Hawke hasn’t… talked about me, I presume?”

“He... hung out with me not long ago. He never mentioned you and changed the topic any time that I asked,” Alistair explained. “He was really upset. He needed to get out of the house so I took him to get some food and we talked. I haven’t seen Hawke like that since his mom and his sister died in the same year. That was... probably 4 years ago.”

 _He shouldn’t have asked._ Now there was this sinking feeling in his gut. Fenris couldn’t help feeling bad about it, he was the one who dumped Hawke after all.

“I see,” he said.

"Hey, look at me," Alistair reached out and put his hands on Fenris's arms, demanding his attention. "I know this is hard for you, but maybe it's for the better. Maybe this will turn out to be something good."

“You are awfully positive,” Fenris replied, letting his gaze be drawn up to Alistair’s face. He supposed it was easier for him to look at it that way given that he wasn’t directly involved.

"I have to be. I've been through a lot in my life and lost a lot. My fiancée died when I was in college, for crying out loud," Alistair laughed and shook his head. "You learn to move on, look at the bright side of situations even if they're really, really shitty. It keeps me sane."

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put a damper on the mood,” Fenris sighed. “Can we… perhaps go back to eating nachos and bowling?”

"We sure can," Alistair said. "It was my turn, I believe. Watch closely." He grinned as he rose from his seat to go grab his ball, taking his time to aim and then roll the ball down the lane. Not a strike, a spare, but still pretty good. He cheered to himself with a big smile and he held out the next ball to Fenris. "Here you go."

No matter how hard he tried, Fenris couldn’t seem to stop thinking about Hawke and how upset he still was about their breakup. He didn’t think he’d know what to say if he did try to talk to him, but it still hurt. Even as he threw the ball down the lane and got his own first spare, he couldn’t stop thinking of it.

As the game progressed, Fenris came out on top despite his falling performance. Alistair intentionally missing one of the rolls really set him back, it seemed. When they were wrapping up and changing shoes, Alistair gave the other man a little nudge on the side.

"Hey," he said. "I had fun. We should do this again sometime."

“I’d like that,” Fenris said, feeling happier than before. He put a hand lightly on Alistair’s arm and squeezed. “You should… text me if you want to do this again. Or we could go somewhere else, I don’t mind.”

"Definitely, you can be sure that you'll be hearing from me some time soon," he assured him. He couldn't help but wonder if this was... a date? They had flirted a little bit back and forth but who decided if that meant this was a real _date?_ It was hard to tell.

Fenris felt similarly. He’d been trying his best to keep this platonic, not wanting to breach boundaries he wasn’t ready for, but he couldn’t deny that he’d been enjoying the way Alistair treated him with such care. It actually made him feel… pretty good about himself.

Before he could stop himself, he leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

Alistair immediately blushed bright red, looking back at Fenris with a look of surprise. He put a hand over the spot on his cheek where he'd been kissed and he smiled a little, hardly able to believe what was happening.

"I... thank you," he stammered awkwardly, averting his eyes and looking at his hands. "So... does that mean that... the next time we hang out, it's a date?"

“If… you would like it to be, I have no objections,” Fenris replied, letting his hand slip away from Alistair’s arm. “I ask that you take it easy with me.”

"Oh- oh, of course," he nodded vigorously, not even hesitating. "I would like that. A lot, actually. "

“Okay, thank you,” Fenris said. Was he making a mistake? Should he be jumping into something like this so soon? There were still feelings for Hawke tucked away, he knew that, but it couldn’t hurt to give Alistair a chance to help him get over it.

 

The next time they hung out was not long after that. It was an amazing date, one that ended in a quick peck on the lips and holding hands beneath the table. Dates became a regular thing between them, and it was pretty official now that the two of them were an item, considering it had been a month since they had begun to see one another.

Fenris was out of that hotel room, finally. Varric was happy to let him move back in without question and doing his best to comfort him. He told Fenris he was always available to listen, should he need it.

Within the fifth or sixth week of their relationship, Alistair asked Fenris if he wanted to go to the bar with himself and a few of his college friends to drink and play some pool and cards. It was the first date they'd have where Fenris would meet Alistair's friends, so it was fairly serious. Little did he know, however, just who Alistair was referring to when he said: “college friends”.

Fenris met Alistair outside the bar. He was a little excited to meet some of his friends and wondered what they were like. If they were anything like Alistair, it was bound to be lively.

“Hey,” he greeted Alistair with a nod, his hands shoved in his pockets.

"Hey, Fen," he replied, leaning in to hook his arm around Fenris's and pull their hands together, interlocking their fingers. "And, I didn't tell you this whenever I asked you to come because I... forgot... but I know this might be an issue. So... if you wanna back out, I'd understand. We could do this another time."

“What are you talking about?” Fenris asked, looking up at him. He sure was acting weird today, was something wrong? He’d had high hopes for this date.

"Well, when I said we were going out with a group of my college friends, Hawke is one of the people in that group. I didn't want to... cause drama by excluding him," Alistair explained, looking a little sheepish. "So... he's here. And you'll see him."

Fenris swallowed roughly. Hawke. Right. He hadn’t spoken to him since the breakup. In the time they’d been split, he hadn’t even had the willpower to get rid of the broach he’d given him. He didn’t know how he’d feel seeing him again.

“Oh. Okay,” he said.

"I'll be right here by your side, it'll be okay," Alistair tried his best to be reassuring though he knew it wasn't very effective. He squeezed Fenris's hand. "Come on, let's get inside before we're missed."

He led Fenris into what appeared to be a sports bar. There was a lot of memorabilia on the walls as well as multiple TVs to keep the patrons up to date on their favourite games. On the far side of the bar there was a pool table, surrounded by several men. One of them was taller with dark skin, the next was notably short with a prominent beard, and the third was none other than Hawke himself, smiling and laughing about something among the group of them. Alistair put on a smile for them.

"Hey, guys!" he called out, waving at them. He brought Fenris over quickly and they all looked up, away from the game to see Alistair coming over. Hawke saw Fenris and immediately the smile was wiped from his face. Fenris was here with Alistair. They were holding hands. He could hardly believe what he was seeing.

"Hello, Alistair," the taller one answered first, nodding respectfully. "Who is your friend?"

"Fenris," Alistair said without missing a beat. "Fenris, this is Duncan. He's the designated driver of our group, and he was our fine arts professor in college. We caused him a lot of trouble back then. And that there is Oghren, a raging alcoholic but we love him anyways. And, well- you know Hawke."

Hawke looked to Alistair for a moment then let his gaze linger on Fenris before he nodded stiffly, leaning his elbows on the pool table.

"Yeah," he said.

"Hey! Are you gonna take your turn or what?" The shorter man, Oghren, said without seeming to notice the new presence, too lost in the game at hand. "I'll do it for you if you're too busy talking."

"We'll start a new game for Alistair and his friend," Duncan said with a calm tone, unphased by Oghren's naturally aggressive nature. "Set it up for us, if you would be so kind."

Oghren grumbled something foul under his breath but reluctantly agreed, moving around the tablet to reset the came for them.

They were certainly an… interesting bunch, Fenris thought. He watched as the pool table was set up, then turned his attention back to Alistair. Things would be awkward with Hawke here, he knew that. Just seeing him had made his heart race but he had to suppress it.

“I’ve never played before,” he said quietly, trying to focus on that rather than Hawke.

"I can show you," Alistair hummed, smiling as he grabbed the cue and moved behind Fenris to show him how to put his hands on it. "Just hold it like that, and then you'll wanna aim for—”

"You all play without me, I'm getting a drink," Hawke announced, trying to suppress the boiling anger he felt as he saw Alistair with his hands on _his_ ex-boyfriend. Who the hell did he think he was? His knuckles looked like they were about to burst out of his skin because he was clenching his fists so tight.

"Awh, c'mon, Hawke. We can't play without you," Alistair said with a little pout, not seeming to understand the situation.

"You'll be better off without me," he said stiffly. "I'm getting a drink."

He walked away from the table and Oghren scoffed, shaking his head as he watched him go. "What crawled up his ass and died?"

"He might feel better later," Duncan suggested. "He usually does."

"Once he's thoroughly drunk, you mean?"

Alistair watched for a moment as Hawke left and he sighed. This was going to be tricky. He turned back towards Fenris and helped him adjust his hands again. Showing him how to move the cue and aim it. "And now, pull back gently aaand hit it. Just like that. See, it's not so hard."

“I see,” Fenris nodded, his cheeks pink. Had Alistair not realised how this looked? Stood directly behind him as he hunched to aim, hands on his to help him position the cue. Out the corner of his eye, he could see the disgruntled expression on Hawke’s face as he left to get a drink.

"You got it? I'm gonna go talk to Hawke really quick and make sure he's okay," Alistair said as he released him, stepping back and turning towards the bar. "Is that okay? I'll be right back, I promise."

“Yeah of course,” Fenris said. He made his shot as Alistair walked away to see Hawke at the bar. This would give him a chance to socialise with some of the other guys, he supposed. However, this wasn’t like those fancy parties Danarius once sent him to, nowhere near as formal. What was he supposed to talk about?

"So, how did you meet Alistair?" Duncan asked politely as he was passed the cue, crouching down with careful hands and a precise eye to take his aim.

“We work in the same place,” Fenris said. He couldn’t help but look towards Alistair and Hawke every now and again. Distantly, he could make out most of what they were saying to each other even over the music of the bar.

Alistair, meanwhile, plopped down in the chair next to Hawke and put a hand on his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze.

"Hey," he said softly. "I'm sorry. I know I should have told you but it... happened really fast. I didn't know how you 'd take it."

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it," Hawke said with a scoff, downing the shot he had before him. "Having fun hanging around my ex-boyfriend?"

"Hawke, don't be like that—”

"Don't be like what? I'm fine. Everything is fine."

"Hawke, clearly everything is _not_ fine—" Alistair insisted, looking a little frustrated now. Hawke glared at him and turned towards him, one hand gripping the edge of the table as the other snatched the collar of his shirt, pulling him closer so that their faces were only inches apart.

"If you hurt him, Alistair, I swear I'll rip out every one of your teeth with my bare hands," he snapped, his jaw clenched and the muscles in his neck bulging with how tense he was. "Got it?"

"Uh- yeah- I've got it," Alistair stammered, sighing with relief as Hawke released him and turned back towards the bar, taking another shot.

"Good," he grumbled. "Fenris has been hurt enough in his life. He doesn't need someone else to come into his life and hurt him even more. I don't know what your... relationship with him even is but I don't care. I don't want to know. Just... be good to him and make him happy, and I'll let by gones be by gones."

"Okay," Alistair said with a nod, smiling a little. "You don't have to worry, I'm doing my best."

"Yeah, yeah. Just... go back to playing pool and let me drink."

By the pool table, Fenris had heard it all, even Hawke’s aggressive speech about hurting him. That warm, fuzzy feeling he hadn’t felt in so long came creeping back before he could stop it. Hawke still cared about him, deeply. He had some incredible patience. It was almost… admirable.

No. He couldn’t think like that. He was seeing Alistair right now and he was coming back to the pool table. Be calm, Fenris.

"Hey, how's it going over here?" Alistair asked as he came back over, resting a hand on Fenris's back and rubbing fondly as he re-joined the game. "Are we seeing a potential winner yet?"

"Your boyfriend is too good at this," Oghren said with a laugh. "Are you sure you haven't played this game before?"

“I haven’t but you can’t fault me for being good with my hands,” Fenris chuckled away his nervousness. Right. He had to be calm about this. Hawke wasn’t even here with them right now, he was at the bar. He didn’t have to worry.

"I suppose we can't," Duncan chuckled, smiling as he passed on the cue. "It's your turn. Now you just have to keep living up to that statement."

"Let Alistair take the cue, he'll bring him back down to our level."

"Hey!" Alistair said with mock offense, putting a hand over his chest. "I can play pool!"

"Like a donkey with a blindfold," Oghren chortled.

 

Meanwhile, Hawke was doing his best to distract himself with what was going on behind him. He looked around the bar, noticing that the bartender was a fairly attractive man. Skinny, blond hair, pristine blue eyes. That would do just fine. He leaned over on the counter, swirling a drink in one hand as he beckoned the bar tender come over, flirting with him without shame, smirking as the man began to turn pink at his words, clearly taken aback but obviously not repulsed.

Fenris continued to play pool, but he kept glancing over at Hawke, especially now he’d noticed him flirting with the bartender. Well, it certainly looked like he was anyway. The bartender seemed to be falling for Hawke’s obvious charms and it… made his blood boil. He shook his head. Hawke could flirt with whomever he wanted, he was a single man. This was ridiculous.

Hawke looked back, wondering if Fenris was witnessing this. If he was, well, it sort of made this all the better. Fenris had run off with one of his friends right after they broke up, so Hawke had every right to flirt with whomever he pleased. However, he knew Fenris well enough to know he was restless. Which was exactly why he would press him on.

He beckoned for the bartender to come closer, causing him to lean over the counter as Hawke leaned even closer, murmuring propositions in his ear that had the man across from him cherry red, reaching out to tentatively touch one of Hawke's arms, feeling the bicep there with a look of disbelief and awe.

Fenris knew that Hawke knew that he was looking. This whole thing was childish and petty, he thought with a grumpy expression. He was doing it to get a rise out of him, wasn’t he? He _knew_. How could he be so immature? It was clearly working though. Even though he knew he had no right to be angry, he was growing more and more frustrated the more he saw.

Through his frustration, he managed to sink the last ball that would secure them the game, making Alistair cheer. This was a good an opportunity as ever, he thought. He smiled and pulled Alistair down into a deep kiss, hoping that Hawke might turn his head to see them.

Alistair was caught off guard but he happily kissed back, earning laughs and disgusted sounds from his other friends at the table. Hawke looked back to see if Fenris was still looking when he saw Alistair all over his face. He frowned. Well, he supposed Fenris had him at that. But he had one last thing up his sleeve, and he wasn't about to go down without a fight.

"I'm getting out of here, guys," he called out to the group, taking the bartenders hand in his and giving him a smirk. "We can catch up... some other time?"

"Maker, Hawke, whatever, go do what you need to do," Oghren huffed and waved his hand. "Everybody in this goddamn bar is trying to get laid but you and me, Duncan. I swear."

With that, Hawke disappeared out the door with the blond man in tow. He felt this pride creeping through him, knowing what he had done would unsettle Fenris to his core. It was childish, yes. It was petty, yes. But _Maker_ did it feel good.

Fenris pulled away just in time to see him go, that frustrated expression taking over his face once more. He was taking him _home?_ He was going to… to…

This was his fault, wasn’t it? He closed up every time Hawke wanted to get intimate with him so it was only natural he’d go looking for it in other places.

Alistair noticed the distressed expression on his boyfriend's face and he reached out to gently cup his cheek in his hand, turning his chin up so that he'd look at him.

"Hey," he said softly. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

“Nothing, I’m fine. Just thinking. …Kiss me again?” Fenris said, meeting his eyes. It would be a good distraction this time. As their lips met, he couldn’t help but feel… unfulfilled. It had been much more satisfying when Hawke was watching them.

"You two should get a room," Oghren laughed, clearing off the table as the two of them pulled away. Alistair was extremely confused, but he thought maybe going home was the best thing for this situation. Fenris didn't seem like himself.

"Wanna go home?" Alistair asked softly. "We can sit back and watch a movie or something."

“I… sure,” Fenris agreed. Alistair knew something wasn’t right but there was no way he could let him find out what it was he was feeling.

As they stepped outside, Alistair wrapped his arm around Fenris's waist and held him close. He was extremely worried about his partner. He wasn't sure what had happened under his nose that made him this upset.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, trying to get him to meet his eyes.

“I’m fine. Seeing Hawke just… made me a little unnerved, I suppose. It doesn’t matter. I’m with you,” Fenris said. It wasn’t exactly lying after all.

"I'm sorry I put you through that," Alistair said with a sigh. "Come on, we'll watch whatever movie you want. And I can pick up some candy for us on the way home."

He squeezed his hand a little, smiling as best as he could as he led him to the car.


	13. Back Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alistair and Fenris's relationship hits a conclusion, and Fenris re-assesses how he feels about Hawke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its probably still sunday in some places, right? haha
> 
> idk if anyone is still reading this but here we go!!

The next four months were rather strenuous for Fenris. They consisted of going out with Alistair and their friends regularly, Hawke being there in the mix most of the time. The two never spoke to one another a single time on any of these occasions, only glaring at one another from across the room, acting as if one didn't see the other though they both knew that this wasn't at all true.

Alistair, however, was feeling quite the opposite. Fenris was making him happier than he'd been since Fiona passed away, and this was monumental for him. He needed advice, and the only person who could give him that advice was Hawke. He was his best friend, despite everything. There was no one else he could turn to.

So, Hawke was expected to meet Alistair at his apartment today. Fenris was there as well, having slept over the night before. He figured Fenris was still out, so he didn't make a big deal of it when he let Hawke inside and the two of them sat down in the living room together. Hawke looked even worse than he did months before this, when he and Fenris saw one another for the first time since the breakup. He had dark circles around his eyes and his beard desperately needed to be trimmed. He looked like death warmed over.

Fenris woke to an empty bed, a fact that didn’t worry him, but did make him sigh. Alistair was a good man, he liked him, but there were just little things that kept bothering him. He felt like he was living a lie most of the time. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, seeing Hawke still made his body react in ways that it never did with Alistair.

He shifted out of the bed and stretched. Well, he should probably go see what he was up to. He padded quietly down the stairs and into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water in hopes it might wake him up a little. It was then that he heard the voices from the living room. Was that… Hawke? His heart was racing again. He moved close enough to listen in but not to be noticed.

“So what did you need to talk about that was so urgent?” Hawke asked, sitting back in the arm chair. Alistair had made him some coffee but he hadn’t touched it. It was only warming his hands at this point.

“Well, you’re my best friend, Hawke,” Alistair said honestly with a big smile. “And I... well, I need your advice.”

“Okay, what’s up?”

“I... I think I might be in love with Fenris,” Alistair confessed, blush rising in his cheeks. “But... I don’t know how to know for sure. I don’t know what to do.”

Hawke was silent for several long moments, looking down at the untouched coffee in his hands, his own reflection in the steaming black.

“Okay, Alistair,” Hawke said with a huff, reaching out to set the coffee mug on the table as he leaned forward elbows on his knees. “First, you should think about it like this: you’re probably not.”

Alistair blinked at him in confusion. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Before you go around saying that you love him when you aren’t even sure if you do, instead of hurting Fenris by telling him that when you don’t mean it, think about the fact that you’re might _not_ in love with him,” Hawke explained, not losing Alistair’s eye contact.

“But- h-how am I supposed to know that for sure?” Alistair stammered.

“Alistair,” Hawke pressed his lips into a line, looking downward in silence before, eventually, he began to speak again. “If looking at Fenris’s eyes doesn’t stop you right in your tracks and make you forget whatever it was you were supposed to be doing, you’re not in love with him. If the thought of never hearing him laugh again makes you sick to your stomach, you’re not in love with him. If his voice isn’t the only thing that gets you to keep pushing onward on your worst days or if just him turning to speak to you doesn’t instantly make you want to listen to everything he had to say, you’re not in love with him. If his smile doesn’t knock the wind out of you and make you feel whole and refreshed at the same time, you’re not in love with him. If... if him holding your hand or kissing you... or when he takes off his shirt... is the _only_ time you pay attention to him, you’re not in love with him. If having any sort of fight with him, even a small one, doesn’t make you feel like you’ve swallowed fire, you’re not in love with him. If you’re not willing to give up every fucking thing you have just to keep him in your life, Alistair, you’re _not_ in love with him.”

Fenris looked down at the floor, frozen in spot as he took in the words. He was... speechless, it felt like he'd invaded a conversation he shouldn't have. This was a lot to take in. Hawke... felt that way about him? He could feel his heartbeat in his throat.

Why did it make him feel this way? Was he making a mistake staying with Alistair?

“I... you’re right, Hawke. I hadn’t... thought about it that way,” Alistair said slowly, not meeting his eyes. “Thank you. I’m sorry if I brought... bad memories.”

“No, it’s fine,” Hawke said with a sigh, rising to his feet. “I’m glad I could clear some stuff up for you, but I need to head home and get ready for my shift.”

“Alright, see you later, Hawke,” Alistair awkwardly waved to Hawke as he stood up and walked out the door, closing it with behind him as he went.

Alistair was left in the living room alone, looking down into his coffee as if it could give him the answers.

"Um..." Fenris walked into the room. He wasn't sure what to say to Alistair. Was Alistair going to break up with him now? He fidgeted on the spot, unable to meet his eyes.

“Did you... did you hear all of that?” Alistair asked, looking up at Fenris with a puppy dog expression, looking utterly defeated.

"I did..." Fenris said, nodding. He didn't know what to expect, what was going to happen between them now. It had certainly put a rift between them.

“And? What are you thinking?” he said. How Fenris felt after hearing all that really affected what he was planning on doing next, whether they would keep trying this relationship or realize it was probably a mistake on their parts and move on. He was torn.

"I don't know... I like you, Alistair, but... Maybe this isn't supposed to be," Fenris said sadly. He held himself with his arms. This isn't how he wanted this to end but at least it wasn't as vicious as it had been with Hawke.

“I... I was just thinking that,” Alistair admitted. “I was worried about it for a while, that maybe this was a mistake and now... well...” He couldn’t look Fenris in the eyes. “Maybe you and I are better off as friends?”

"I'd like to stay friends if that's okay with you," Fenris said. It was sad to let go, he knew he was going to feel lonely for a while. Maybe this was a sign that he should talk to Hawke and work something out. He obviously still felt something for him and Hawke did too.

“So would I,” Alistair agreed, smiling warmly at him. “But can I... have a hug before you go? Just for the sake of it.”

Fenris nodded and walked towards him, letting him wrap his arms around him. He melted into the hug, enjoying the sensation while he had it.

Alistair buried his face in Fenris’s shoulder, cherishing his warmth and the smell of him. Then he slowly released him, hand loosely gripping his arm before he let them fall limp at his sides. His face was without expression, only looking sadly down at Fenris’s hands.

“See you later, Fenris,” he said softly. “Take care of yourself.”

"You too," Fenris said. He waved at him as he turned and walked towards the door. For a moment, he hesitated before opening the door and leaving so he could go home.

 

Over the next few days, Hawke had been off of work since the boss closed down for his vacation. He hadn’t done much but sit around and watch day time TV shows over ice cream and stale popcorn that should have been thrown out ages ago. He was still incredibly bitter about his conversation with Alistair, the scene replaying over and over in his mind. The nerve of Alistair to go to _him_ to tell him that he _might_ be in love with _his_ ex-boyfriend. Alistair had always been a good friend, granted, but Maker was he _completely_ clueless. Hawke was glad to be left alone for a while. At least he had Buddy. Buddy would never try to shag his exes.

After spending time thinking it over, Fenris decided that he needed to talk to Hawke about their relationship. It was nerve wracking, given how their last meeting went. He'd attached the broach to his jacket in hope that he might believe the sincerity of his words. It was hard to tell if he was angry at him. His words to Alistair would suggest otherwise but his tone was something else entirely.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and waited.

Hawke had just finished an episode of his show when he heard the knock at the door. He made a disgruntled huff, rising to his feet. He was in pyjamas still, fuzzy pants and a t-shirt with some mystery stains. His hair was a mess, his beard still in dire need of trimming and his eyes puffy and dark with lack of sleep. He opened the door, looking Fenris over for a second. He saw the broach on his jacket, he couldn’t fight his racing heart. He had _kept it_ he’d really _kept it._

“Fenris,” he said in a stiff greeting, resting his shoulder on the door frame and waiting for him to speak.

"Can we talk?" Fenris asked. He'd spent enough time looking up at the ceiling at night in his apartment thinking about what to say. He half expected Hawke to turn him away like he did the first time they stopped seeing each other back when he was married to Danarius.

Hawke looked him over for a moment, contemplating his options. He could just turn Fenris away, save himself the potential heart ache. He pursed his lips in thought when he heard barking from Buddy in the other room, reacting to the sound of Fenris’s voice. Hawke groaned, closing the door more so that Buddy couldn’t try and slip through.

“Yeah, I guess,” he sighed. “Just let me put Buddy outside.”

After he nodded, Fenris waited for Hawke to return once he'd put Buddy away. He didn't walk inside the house until he got the go ahead from Hawke and then casually took a seat on his sofa. It felt like second nature, being so used to living in this place. There was plenty of his clothes still in his bedroom unless Hawke got rid of them.

Hawke sat on one of the living chairs beside him, crossing his legs and leaning back in the cushion. He still had some coffee in his hands, swirling it absently as he looked between it and Fenris, lips pressed thin in thought.

“Where’s Alistair at today?” he asked with an unabashed bitterness to his tone, not looking at Fenris and taking a sip of coffee.

"We broke up a few weeks ago," Fenris said flatly. He looked down at the floor, clearly a little irritated by the comment he'd made. It was petty but he supposed he understood why he felt that way. He _had_ dated his friend after all.

“Ah, I see,” Hawke raised his eyebrows a little and leaned back, looking at Fenris, eyeing the broach on his jacket. Fenris wasn’t coming back here expecting Hawke to just take him back with open arms, was he? If Fenris was just looking for someone else to coddle him for the sake of being coddled, he wasn’t interested. He only wanted Fenris back if he genuinely felt about Hawke the way Hawke felt about him, if he was prepared to fix what was broken from last time the way that Hawke was, and commit to one another. That was all that he wanted. “So what are you here to talk about, then?”

"I... don't like the way things ended between us. I was unreasonable, as upset as I was, you wanted to fix things and I was stubborn. If I could go back, I would change things," Fenris said. "I overheard what you said to Alistair. When you threatened him if he hurt me and what you said about... loving me. I realised that even when I was with him, he never made me feel the way you did. The way you _do_. I'm not very good at this sort of thing but it... just seeing you makes me feel like my heart is going to explode. I've never felt this way about anyone and I realised that breaking up with you was one of the worst decisions I ever made. I don't expect you to forgive me or take me back but I thought you deserved to know how I felt. Take it or leave it."

Hawke felt his anger slowly melting away the more Fenris spoke, his face falling. Fenris... felt the same way? And he’d heard everything he’d said to Alistair? And even after the stunt he pulled in the bar, Fenris still felt this way. He suddenly felt... well, rather immature and silly.

“Fenris.... you’re the only thing I’ve been able to think about since the moment you walked out the door,” he said softly. “I... punched a hole in my wall, in the kitchen right over there. I was so angry at myself for letting you leave, for not coming to that date, for hurting you. Then... then I saw you with _Alistair,_ my _friend._ I was so... angry. I didn’t know what Alistair was giving you that I didn’t give. I didn’t know what he had that I didn’t. Why you would want _Alistair_ instead of me. I’ve been... a mess. I love you, Fenris. That’s not a secret any more. I still love you, very, _very_ much. But... if you left again, if you pushed me away or shut me out again. I don’t know if I could... take it.”

"I don't want that. I want to be with you, if I have anything to say about it, I won't ever leave or walk out on you again. I know it's a lot to ask that you promise me on this but I swear it Hawke. I want you and only you," Fenris said, reaching out slowly to take Hawke's hand and wondering how he'd take it.

Hawke looked down at their hands and he felt a lump forming in his throat. This was what he had wanted this whole time, for Fenris to come back to say these very words to him. Now, it was really happening. Fenris was willing to fix things, and he wanted to be with him. He was trying his best to fight tears.

“I... Fenris, you are the _only_ thing I want. More than anything else,” he stammered, trying not to choke. “If you... if you’d like to try again. I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

"I want to fix this, I do. I can't promise that there won't be hurdles but I won't run away anymore. I'll... talk to you and we'll work through it together," Fenris nodded. He squeezed Hawke's hand lightly and hoped he believed him.

“That’s all I want. I just want to... to help you, to work together,” he said, he looked down at their hands and blinked away tears, scooting a little closer to him and reaching out to pull him in his arms but hesitating. “So... you’re coming back? To be with me?”

“Yes. I left… most of my clothes here. I didn’t think I could come back and get them but… I suppose it’s handy now, providing you kept them?” Fenris asked.

“I... didn’t have the heart to get rid of them. You kept the broach so I kept hoping that you would come back,” Hawke explained sheepishly, looking down a little bit.

Nodding, Fenris knew that this was how things were meant to be. He was meant to be with Hawke and no one else. Hawke had gone in for the hug but paused, so he took his own initiative to wrap his arms around him and rest his head on his chest. It felt like home.

Hawke didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight. He kissed his head, tears budding in the corners of his eyes. He loved Fenris so much. He was so, so happy that he was back here, back in _their_ home, in his arms. He would never have him anywhere else.

“I’m sorry Hawke, for everything,” Fenris mumbled against his chest. He remained there, not wanting to let go of him ever again.

“I’m sorry too,” he sighed, taking a deep breath to appreciate more of his scent. “I’m sorry for hurting you and ruining your Valentine’s day and being so childish.”

“I forgive you,” Fenris sighed. He nuzzled his cheek against him. There was nowhere better than this place right now, in his arms. “Just don’t do it again.”

Hawke couldn’t help but to laugh a little at that, giving Fenris a tighter squeeze as he leaned in, kissing his cheek.

“Never,” he assured him quietly, unable to contain his smile.

“I’m sure Varric is getting annoyed at me going back and forth with my apartment,” Fenris said, laughing a little as well. He looked up at him, eyes twinkling fondly.

“Annoyed? No. If anything I bet he’s intrigued by the ups and downs of this love story that we seem to be taking part in,” Hawke cooed, gently brushing hair out of his face. “Varric is nosy, and he loves some good gossip. Hearing that we’re back together will be music to his ears.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about that,” Fenris replied, shaking his head. He wanted to live a quiet life. “How… early can I bring my stuff back over? I assume it’s okay for me to… be here again.”

“Of course, I _want_ you here,” Hawke assured him, meeting his eyes. “As early as is convenient for you. No rush.” He was just happy to have him here, and he didn’t want to have it spoiled with the hassle of moving.

“Perhaps tomorrow or the day after then… Is it alright if I stay here tonight? I do miss your company,” Fenris said, blushing a little.

Hawke chuckled a little.

"I would be very sad if you didn't stay here tonight," he said softly, leaning in a little closer, their noses brushing up against one another. "I've missed you too, Fenris. More than I should admit."

That night Fenris was over the moon to finally sleep in that familiar bed again alongside Hawke. The two of them wrapped up in each other’s arms brought so much comfort. Fenris was happy to bring all his things back over from the apartment in the next few days, handing his key back to Varric. This time, he was sure that this was a permanent decision, and the right one too.

 

To say that Hawke was happy to have Fenris back would be an understatement. He spoiled him in every way that he could be spoiled, just to show him how thankful he was for his return, how grateful he was to have this wonderful, wonderful man in his life. He made him breakfast in bed, he bought him flowers, he massaged his feet and shoulders for him after a long day at work and as the air warmed up outside, the two of them had even begun to purchase seeds and soil for their very own garden.

One day, Hawke had been cleaning up the kitchen after lunch when he saw Fenris’s phone light up, Hawke didn’t usually bother with this but the contact ID surprised him, someone they hadn’t heard from in quite a while.

“Fenris!” he shouted out towards the hall. “Isabela is calling!”

Fenris hurried into the room and grabbed his phone. He and Isabela up until this point had exclusively communicated through texting. It wasn't like her to call. He picked up the phone as soon as he could and hoped that nothing was wrong.

"Isabela," he said. "It is good to hear from you."

“You too, hun,” she said. He could hear the smile on her face. “Listen, I’ve got some big news, and also I wanna see your face. Can we meet up some time soon? Maybe today?”

“At the usual place? Or… maybe you want to come to me? Hawke and I are living together now,” Fenris suggested. What could this big news be? Hopefully it was good news, she didn’t sound particularly disheartened over the phone.

“You and Hawke? Oh, he better be being good to you, or I’ll have a few words for him,” she hummed. “I’d love to come over. Send me the address and I’ll be there.”

“Alright. Talk soon,” Fenris said. Once hung up, he sent a text to Isabela with his address. She’d be here soon, no doubt. He slipped his phone in his pocket and turned to Hawke. “Isabela is coming over. Here. To talk. She has big news she says.”

Hawke looked up from his dishes with an expression of surprise. Isabela had only met him once before and that was ages ago. Now she was coming to their house? He supposed she was Fenris’s oldest friend, he had no reason not to welcome her. It was just a little shocking.

“Oh, okay,” he replied with a little nod of confirmation. “I hope it’s good news, then.”

“So do I. She didn’t sound distressed over the phone so I can only presume it’s not bad news at least. Maybe she finally left that asshole husband of hers,” Fenris mumbled.

“Maybe, I know I hope she did,” Hawke agreed. drying his hands once he’d finished the last of the dishes. “I’m gonna put Buddy away and then go change. I’m sure ‘Bela doesn’t want to get mauled when she comes, nor see me in my fuzzy pyjamas.”

Fenris laughed at that. He walked over to him and took his cheeks in his hands so he could press a light, chaste kiss to his lips. "Okay. I'll wait for her in the living room."

Hawke smiled and leaned in to return the kiss quickly, leaning into his touch for a moment before he disappeared down the hall to go change. Once Buddy was put out back and Hawke was properly dressed, he returned to hear knocking at the door, taking the initiative to go ahead and open it, since he was already up and on his feet.

Isabela smiled wide when she saw Hawke and wrapped an arm around his neck, not hesitating to let herself in.

“It’s good to see you again, sweetheart,” she chimed. “Where’s Fenris?”

“Right over there,” Hawke gestured to his boyfriend on the couch and Isabela’s eyes lit up. She immediately released Hawke and rushed over to him, plopping down beside him and pulling him into her arms.

“Fenris! It’s been too long since I’ve seen your sweet face,” she sighed.

“It’s good to see you too Isabela,” Fenris smiled at her and returned the hug. A lot had happened and the two of them hadn’t had much of a choice whether or not to stay in touch.

“How are you doing?” she asked as she pulled away, pushing some hair out of his face with a hand. “Tell me about this _relationship_ with Hawke. Is he good to you? He better be or I’ll rip off his balls and make them into a necklace.”

Fenris laughed a little nervously. “We actually um… just got back together recently. We had a fight and we broke up for… 5, 6 months. It’s all okay now though.”

“Well, I’m happy to hear that, you two are precious together,” Isabela added with a smile. Hawke joined them in the living room finally with some hot tea, taking a seat on s living chair of his own in his own awkward way.

“So what news did you have? Fenris said it was urgent,” he asked hesitantly, meeting her eyes.

“Oh, that,” she waved her hand, her grin getting wider. “I left Luis.”

“Isabela that’s great,” Fenris said. He reached out and took her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “Did he… take it well? Does he know you gone? How did this happen?”

“He knows I’m gone, but honestly, he’s so done with my bullshit that he probably won’t bother looking for me. He’ll find a new wife that’s better behaved,” she said with a snort. “I just... packed up my things and left. I’ve got an apartment of my own, and I’m still working on getting a job, but Fenris, I’m _free._ It feels _so_ amazing.”

“I am happy for you. I cannot imagine ever going back to the way I was. If you need anything just let me know and I will do my best to help you out,” Fenris said. “Where is this apartment you live in now? I can’t believe you aren’t worried about him coming after you.”

“I’m not scared of Luis. If he wants to chase me down, let him come,” Isabela said, waving her hand dismissively. “But, you’re extremely sweet, Fen. I’ll make sure to keep your offer in mind but right now... I think I’m doing alright. I’ve had a woman over to my apartment already and I’m tempted to have her over again. And I don’t have to be sneaky about it when I do it, she can just... _come over._ It feels so much better than I expected.”

“The freedom is nice. I know when I finally had my own place, it was strange for a while, but once you get used to it you won’t go back,” Fenris nodded. “Can I… get you something to drink or…? Are you staying for a while?”

“I was hoping to stay, now that there’s no hurry for me to leave,” she cooed. “And your lovely boyfriend here has brought us tea.”

She turned to the tray on the coffee table, taking a cup and holding it up to her lips, giving Hawke a smile and a wink.

“I... you’re welcome,” he stammered, smiling back at her.

"Thank you, Hawke," Fenris said, also smiling up at him. He took one of the cups for himself and had a sip. Then he turned back to Isabela. "You're welcome to stay here as long as you want."

“Awh, aren’t you the sweetest,” Isabela gave Fenris a playful pinch on the cheek and a smile. Hawke couldn’t help but smile back at Fenris, their brief eye contact making him feel all fuzzy inside. “If I’m going to be honest, I didn’t expect you two to... remain in contact as long as you have. But, I shouldn’t be surprised, Fenris was obsessed with you from day one.”

Hawke blushed upon hearing that, nearly choking on his tea as he slowly set it back down on the coffee table, wiping the mess from his lips.

Fenris too went a bright shade of red, hiding his face as he looked down into his tea. While it wasn’t entirely untrue, it was still embarrassing to hear aloud.

“We are… happy together,” he said, now running his finger around the rim of the cup.

Hawke smiled even wider at that and Isabela only chuckled at the two of them, amused by how much they resembled little high school sweethearts. It was heart-warming.

“I’m glad, you deserve to be happy after everything you’ve been through. I almost wish Danarius could see you both know just so it keeps him awake at night,” Isabela hummed.

“You are… being kind,” Fenris nodded. He took another sip of his tea to distract himself from the embarrassment. He wasn’t used to this kind of attention still.

Isabela laughed a little and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, giving him a squeeze.

“You’ve earned it, sweetheart.”

Isabela stayed for a few more hours, laughing and telling them stories of her adventures as a free woman. When she left, she gave Fenris a big hug and even gave one to Hawke, without of course warning him once more not to hurt Fenris or she’d do some very specific and violent things to very specific body parts.


	14. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finally begins to get comfortable touching Hawke again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may be thinking - charlie it's saturday, why are you posting now?   
> well, im travelling all day tomorrow so i thought id post this chapter now (besides, you guys deserve it after my being late all the time)  
> its a slightly shorter chapter - the next one will be the last!
> 
> thank you for coming on this journey with me, i hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Over the next few days, Hawke and Fenris had spent their time off of the clock together in the garden. Today, included. Fenris had picked out some trees and flowers and Hawke didn’t mind doing the digging in order to get them planted. Even as he was sweating from the labour under the sun. It felt nice to work outside, to help Fenris with his garden. They made a pretty good team.

Fenris had taken a break to get himself a drink. He took a seat on the chair outside and sighed. He’d gotten one for Hawke as well of course but left it on the table next to the lawn chair.

"Thanks," Hawke cooed, setting down his shovel to grab a drink and sighing happily. "Yknow, this sorta reminds me of back in the day. When we met?"

He made note of it as he picked his shovel up again and set back to work. In this light, Hawke was certainly a sight to behold. His muscles working to shovel the dirt from the earth, sweat gathering on his forehead and making his shirt cling to his chest slightly, only hinting more of the muscles hidden beneath. Hawke didn't even seem aware of it as he worked.

With a hum, Fenris recalled the days when he was having an affair with Hawke. This was how it had all begun. After he helped him in the garden, he’d taken him upstairs to the bedroom and… He took another long sip of water, eyes watching Hawke as he worked.

“I remember,” he said.

Hawke recalled it as well, wondering how Fenris felt now about that particular memory now that they were together. Hawke didn't mind it, actually. It just expressed how attracted to one another they'd been this whole time, like magnets. Even if their relationship now was much different than it was then.

Hawke looked in the corner of his eye to see Fenris staring, and he couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Was Fenris checking him out? He didn't know how he was meant to tell. So, instead he returned to his digging, wiping some sweat from his brow with the collar of his shirt and revealing a bit of his stomach to the air, loving the cool breeze against his skin.

Fenris’s breath hitched, pupils slightly dilated at the exposed skin. He could feel a warmth in his gut, his body prickling with arousal. It wasn’t until now in their committed relationship that he’d really forced himself to remember just how good-looking Hawke was. There was a reason he’d kept coming back for more sex in the past.

Hawke heard it, too. That quiet little hitch of breath that gave this whole scenario new depth. Fenris _was_ checking him out. If that was the case, then he supposed it was only fair that Hawke give him something to look at, right? He smirked a little, and with his collar still lifted, he took the initiative to pull his shirt off the rest of the way, tossing it onto one of the lawn chairs as he picked up the shovel again.

"It's hot out here," he noted with a chuckle, as if trying to casually play off his actions as he went back to his digging.

“It is,” Fenris replied. He swallowed roughly as he kept watching him, the way his muscles moved and the sweat pooling into little beads on his skin. To keep himself sane, he gripped his glass of water tightly, even though he knew that the pink on his cheeks was likely an obvious giveaway of how he was feeling.

Hawke could see that look on his face in the corner of his eye, and it was incredibly hot. Just seeing Fenris stare at him like that, his hands gripping that glass, cheeks ripe with colour. Hawke couldn't help but wonder what Fenris was thinking, though it was sort of obvious by his blushing. He set down the shovel once more to pick up the tree in question, planting it in the new hole and patting down the dirt.

Fenris didn’t say anything but didn’t hide the fact that he was looking, still openly roving his eyes over him. He took another sip of his water and licked the remnants from his lips. This was a sight that he could look at all day.

When they'd finished up that day, neither of them were bold enough to talk about what had transpired. It just went swept under a carpet, though Hawke was definitely emboldened by it. He hadn't expected it to happen again, brushing it off as just a singular incident. He didn't dare get his hopes up, after all. Not with his previous experience.

However, one day after work he was just finishing up a shower. He'd stepped out and wrapped a towel around the lower half of himself. He hadn't thought much of it, it was a usual thing that he did. He had paused to look at himself in the mirror, contemplating whether or not he wanted to trim his beard as well, while he was at it.

Fenris had been carrying fresh laundry to the bedroom when he caught him. He paused in his tracks, eyes quickly looking over his almost naked form. For just a moment, he lingered on the trail of hair dipping underneath the towel. There was no way Hawke hadn’t noticed, so his cheeks darkened with red and he smiled awkwardly before scurrying off into the bedroom with the laundry.

Hawke watched him with a little smile as he left. He was so adorable, but he couldn't help but note the way he'd looked at him just then had made his heart race. He was tempted to call after him but decided against it. Fenris would come out of his shell at his own accord, he just had to be patient for him. Until then, he didn't mind Fenris only gawking. He would happily give him a show.

He even kept this in mind a few weeks later, when he was trying out some of the new exercise equipment they'd gotten for the study. Well, not new, stuff the gym Fenris worked at was throwing out but new to them. He was wearing a shirt with the sleeves torn off and a pair of sweatpants, enough to keep him cool as he worked, muscles flexing and working with the strength and precision of pistons on machinery as he used the machine.

It seemed that he kept running into Hawke in these situations. Fenris stopped once more to watch him. This was even better than the other times, his muscles at their full potential. Maker, he was so strong. He had almost forgotten.

Hawke heard the sound of footsteps in the hall and he looked up, smirking a little when he saw Fenris looking at him. He was quite enjoying this little game that was going on between them, of Fenris peeking in to stare at Hawke for as long as he could without Hawke catching him. And Hawke intentionally putting on this show for him, flexing more than necessary as he met Fenris's eyes and gave him a knowing smile.

When he was this far gone, Fenris didn’t mind that Hawke could see him looking. They spoke little to each other in these moments, but that didn’t matter. He openly admired him, the way he moved, the way he sweat. Did he see him biting his lip like that?

Hawke definitely noticed it, and it stirred something in his loins. Especially since Fenris wasn't running away this time. Hawke casually went about his routine, moving from the machine he was on to the dumbbells, but not before he used his shirt once more to clean his face of sweat, now making an effort to show off the muscles in his abdomen, the hair snaking from his belly button down into his pant line. He _wanted_ Fenris to look.

And looking he was. Fenris shifted on the balls of his feet, growing more aroused as he watched the display. He itched to reach out and touch him, run his fingers over that exposed skin. Never had be felt this kind of desire so strongly, it was different to when he was cheating on Danarius with him. They didn’t have this level of intimacy then.

Hawke only continued to egg him on, removing his shirt but not coming up for an excuse for it this time. He wanted Fenris to know he was doing this for _him_ , to please _him._ Hawke met his eyes as the shirt left his shoulders, giving him a little wink as he let it fall to the floor, turning back to what he'd been doing with more enthusiasm than ever.

Every part of him wanted to go over and do something about the way he felt. Fenris’s feet were stuck to the floor, heavy, but he couldn’t draw his eyes away from him.

“You like what you see?” Hawke asked eventually with a little smile, trying to wiggle Fenris out of his shell without doing anything to scare him right back into it. He had a feeling, though, that Fenris would hardly need any pushing at all, judging by the look on his face.

"Yes," Fenris breathed. Now Hawke had acknowledged him, he was tempted to walk away. Even though he knew he knew, it was different now. However, he was no less aroused.

Hawke wasn’t sure where Fenris wanted to go from here. He could see the uncertainty in his eyes, but he knew Fenris too well. Fenris had to get over that fear on his own. If Fenris wanted to touch him, he would. Until then, Hawke was content to have him simply look until he’d decided to do something about it or to walk away.

“So do I,” he returned casually, smiling as he set down the dumbbells and wiped away some of his sweat with one of the towels. He was a little sore, having gone further in his work out than he normally did, but for Fenris to be there to watch, it was all worth it.

Swallowing down his pride, Fenris sauntered over to him. It was a big step for him but this time he truly felt like he wanted this. Perhaps not Hawke's hands on him, but he wanted to touch Hawke a little. Meeting his eyes, he reached to caress his arm, feeling the muscle of his bicep. When Hawke put on muscle, he truly bulked out.

"Is it okay if I... touch you a little?" he asked bravely.

Hawke looked up at Fenris with a little bit of shock. He had expected Fenris to walk away, but instead... he was standing here next to him, hand on his arm, asking for permission to touch him. He could hardly believe this was really happening. Aside from the clear arousal, he felt... _proud_. Fenris was overcoming his fears, Fenris clearly had some kind of desire for Hawke and instead of being afraid of it, he gave in to it. This was a _huge_ step for him.

"I'm yours, Fenris," Hawke said softly, smiling and meeting his eyes. "You can touch me as much as you like."

"Then... perhaps you would like to follow me to the bedroom?" Fenris offered, eyes lidded with desire. He squeezed his muscle for good measure and watched for his reaction. This was their house so be supposed there was no good reason they couldn't do it right here but the privacy of their bedroom for the first time since being officially together seemed appropriate.

"Without hesitation," Hawke said, putting his hand over Fenris's and giving him a smirk.

He happily let Fenris lead him to their bedroom down the hall by hand, watching with anticipation as he closed the door behind him. This was _really_ happening, he could hardly believe it. He kept anticipating that he'd turn around and see that the bed was made of clouds and fairy dust. That this would just turn out to be a dream.

Fenris took a seat on the bed and gestured for Hawke to join him. Once seated, he coaxed Hawke to sit back against the pillows while he sat between his legs.

"This time I'd like it if you kept your hands to yourself but I... want to touch _you_ if that's okay," he said.

"Of course, if that's what you want," Hawke hummed. "My hands are right here, and that's where they'll stay."

He tucked them behind his back with a cheesy grin, the one he was known for, as he relaxed against the pillows behind him. It made sense that Fenris didn't want to be touched. He wanted to be in control of the situation, and Hawke was more than happy to let Fenris have his way with him. Any sexual attention from him was more than welcome.

That was exactly what Fenris wanted, a semblance of control while he indulged in his desires. He nodded and ran his hands along Hawke's chest and through the abundance of hair there. It always fascinated him how much there was.

Hawke watched him with a continued smile, a little twinkle to his eye as his fingers ran through the thick hair, watching as the little locks curled around each digit before he pulled his hand away. The way Fenris looked at him was wonderful. It made him feel so... empowered. Even as he sat here, fully under the other man's mercy.

Fenris's finger trailed down that line of hair that dipped below but stopped before he touched him directly. Instead, he moved to run his hands along his thighs. Thick, strong, muscular. Hawke was such a beautiful handsome man. His hands slid into his inner thighs, fingertips just barely brushing against his crotch to tease him.

Hawke was tense with anticipation, a little noise escaping him as he watched how openly Fenris touched him, as if he were marvelling over his body. Fenris was definitely trying to tease him now, though. That smirk on his face was absolutely chilling.

"Fen," he huffed a little, shifting but not moving his hands, keeping his hands behind him, as promised.

“Yes?” Fenris asked mischievously. He glided his hand over his hardening erection, giving it a soft squeeze. Maker, he’d almost forgotten just how big he was.

Hawke groaned a little at the contact, doing his best to keep still, to not rock his hips up into the touch as much as he wanted to. He was extremely sensitive from the lack of touch, and Fenris's tone of voice alone was enough to drive him mad.

"You're a tease," he mumbled, still feeling himself getting harder by the second, barely having been touched.

“That’s no way to talk to me if you want more, is it?” Fenris continued to tease. He kept stroking and massaging him through the material of his clothes, meeting his eyes in the process.

 

Hawke was easily rock hard by now, and that much was very noticeable through his sweatpants. Hawke watched with dilated eyes as Fenris's hands manipulated him over the fabric. He couldn't contain his moans, head falling back against the pillows.

"You're evil," he accused, biting back another moan as Fenris squeezed him. _"Please,_ Fen."

Fenris chuckled. He gave in, reaching in to tug Hawke’s cock out. For a moment, he marvelled at his size and thickness, how heavy it felt in his palm. He stroked him slowly but surely, rubbing his thumb over the tip.

The laugh sent tingles up his spine, making this whole scenario so much sweeter than it already was. He couldn't help but marvel at the shape of his lips for a moment as he smiled at him, his hooded eyes as he watched Hawke's body react to the touch. He couldn't help but wonder how those lips would feel wrapped around him, tongue running up his—

When Fenris pressed his thumb over the tip, Hawke whined, all thoughts rendered to static at the contact. It felt so _good,_ and all Hawke could do was take whatever Fenris gave. That fact only made this even all even hotter, as if that were still possible.

And Fenris noticed. Noticed the way Hawke’s eyes briefly lingered on his lips. He knew what he wanted and even despite the way his heart was racing, he wanted to try it. Licking his lips, he continued to move his fist over Hawke’s cock.

He shuffled to lean down between his legs, prying his thighs further apart as he let his tongue glide up the length of his shaft. This, he was good at, he knew that.

 _“Fen—”_ Hawke gasped and swore under his breathe. Fenris could read him all too well. However, he definitely wasn’t going to complain, not at all. He was tempted to pet Fenris’s hair but he’d promised to keep his hands to himself. A promise he wasn’t about to break. This was absolutely perfect, every moment of it.

For a little while, it was nice for there to be no hands in his hair as he wrapped his lips around the head of his cock. Danarius always loved to pull on it while he did this. But he put that thought aside, at least, until his noticed his hair getting in the way. He pulled off with a wet pop and looked up at Hawke.

“You may… grab a handful of my hair, keep it out of my face. But don’t pull on it,” he said.

Hawke whined a little at the absence of contact but when he realized he’d been spoken to, he felt his heart swell. He felt so... _honoured_ to be able to touch his hair. There was no way he was gonna question it. He only nodded, unable to contain a little smile as he gently pushed Fenris’s bangs out of his eyes, holding the hair back loosely to keep it out of the way but enough to let Hawke feel the softness of it without having to pull.

Feeling a little bold, instead of pulling, he let his fingers caress his scalp as his lips found themselves on his cock once more, rendering him back into a mess of quivering knees and moans that fell from his lips with little restraint. If Fenris didn’t like it, he could always tell him to stop, right? But this _was_ Fenris, one wrong move and he’d be running out the door. As soon as he’d started that he stopped, settling instead with just holding his hair away from his eyes, as instructed.

This was… nice. Fenris was surprised just how relaxed he felt. Who knew that hands in his hair like this could feel… alright? He took more of his cock with enthusiasm until he was pressing into his throat. In times like this, he usually closed his eyes and focused on something more pleasant, but he felt no drive to this time, and instead kept his gaze on Hawke.

Hawke met his eyes, trying to hold his gaze but failing as more of that wet heat swallowed him up, tongue running under his shaft and over his tip. It felt so good, better than anything else, than any _one_ else. He moaned, eyes fluttering closed and jaw slack, murmuring curses and whimpers with every breathe.

“Fen- I’m- I—” he couldn’t even get out the words.

Fenris hummed in acknowledgment, the vibrations crawling across Hawke’s skin. He could finish in his mouth, a part of him _wanted_ to taste him. So, he didn’t hold back and used every trick he knew to help him cross that line. He even started using his hands to massage his balls.

Hawke cried out his name, having to release his hair in that moment just so that he didn’t accidentally tug it, clamping that hand over his mouth as he reached his peak, emptying his into Fenris’s mouth, tears budding at the corners of his eyes as his shoulders slowly relaxed, knees still shaking from the aftermath.

It still caught him a little off-guard. Fenris swallowed it all down and pulled off his cock. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand, catching the excess that dribbled out. Hawke came in large amounts, it was to be expected of a man of his size he supposed.

Hawke met his eyes, the twinkle of an orgasmic afterglow to them. He smiled, reaching out to cup Fenris’s cheek in his, wanting to caress his face but he hesitated.

“Can I...” he began, not sure how to put his thoughts into words, his brain and his body still reeling from the intensity of what had just occurred.

“You can touch me. Just… not like that. Not yet. I’ll be fine,” Fenris said. He’d stirred with arousal throughout the whole process but that could be dealt with himself.

“Okay, if you insist,” Hawke smiled. He would like to be able to touch Fenris, there was no denying that, but they had to take this one step at a time. Plus, Fenris had said _’yet’_. Perhaps he had something to look forward to.

He cupped Fenris’s cheek in his hands, fondly holding his face as he leaned in and pressed a small kiss to his lips, running his fingers through his hair.

“I love you,” he murmured, peppering his face with more kisses.

That made Fenris smile. He leaned in to kiss him properly, it seemed he didn’t mind the taste of himself on his lips. That was something that always bothered Danarius.

Hawke quite enjoyed it, actually. It was the work of the man he loved so dearly, something he didn’t have to do but yet he did because he _wanted_ to. It was such an honour to have this man as his own, to live with him, and to hold him. He kissed him back, wrapping his arms around his waist and just holding him.

When air was needed, Fenris reluctantly pulled away. He leaned his forehead against Hawke’s and smiled. This was definitely where he wanted to be for the rest of his life.

“You should go take a shower,” Hawke murmured, still caressing his cheek. “When you’re done, we can cuddle. If that sounds good to you.”

He still wished he could get Fenris off or do something to show him how much he appreciated this, but he supposed offering Fenris his company would have to be enough.

“Yeah… you’re right. I’ll be back,” Fenris said. He shuffled off the bed and headed towards the bathroom so he could spend some time under the hot water where he took care of himself. This was all Hawke’s fault, for being so attractive. He returned shortly after with damp hair and in an oversized t-shirt and boxers, not hesitating to climb back on the bed with Hawke.

Hawke always adored it whenever Fenris wore his clothes, especially now, knowing that Fenris had just had to take care of an erection that he’d gotten because of _him._ Hawke shuffled off his pants so that he was just in his boxers, more than happy to pull Fenris into his arms and hug him tightly.

“You mean the world to me,” Fenris whispered. He loved Hawke dearly and couldn’t imagine a life without him. One day he hoped that he could find the courage in himself to go the whole way once more.

“You mean the same to me,” Hawke murmured, kissing his forehead. “There’s not a thing I wouldn’t do for you.”

And he meant the words. This man was his everything, and to think they’d come from such... interesting beginnings. He remembered the blush on Fenris’s cheeks when he spoke to him for the first time, when he asked Hawke questions about flowers and gardening in a failing attempt to flirt with him. That seemed so long ago now.

“Please don’t phrase it in such a way. I don’t own you Hawke,” Fenris muttered against him. It reminded him far too much about how he once felt about Danarius. “But I do appreciate the sentiment. I want to make you happy as well.”

“You do make me happy, Fenris,” he assured him with a sigh. “You just being here, being with me makes me happy. And the fact that... well, we did this today, this means more to me than you know. I know you’re gonna say that you wanted to do this but the fact still stands that you never _had_ to. And knowing that you know that you never _have_ to do anything for my sake makes me _so_ happy. Because... I’m choosing to keep you in my life, Fenris. It’s a choice I make every morning when I wake up next to you and it’s one of the best choices I’ve ever made.” He paused for a moment, blushing red. “Sorry, I’m rambling.”

“No, it’s fine. I have never felt so… appreciated in my life. I know we’ve had some obstacles to overcome but I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I want this. My freedom, this life, you. I want you more than anything else,” Fenris replied.

Hawke smiled, admiring Fenris in silence for a moment before he leaned in and kissed him on the lips, holding him tight as he did so. When they parted, Hawke rest his forehead against Fenris’s, savouring the warmth of his skin.

“Then you’ll have me,” he murmured.

Fenris moved closer to him, happy to just inhale his scent and feel his warmth. Words couldn’t even describe how he felt about Hawke.

For once, he wasn’t frightened.


	15. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke make the final step in their relationship.

The next few weeks were more perfect than Hawke could have imagined them to be. They were somehow closer now after that moment they shared, though it had yet to occur again. Once more, Hawke wasn’t going to push the issue. Fenris had proven time and time again that with patience, he would come out of his shell. Even despite this, though, he couldn’t help but wonder when Fenris would feel bold enough to take this to the next level, even if it was just allowing Hawke to touch him in the ways he had touched Hawke last time.

Even though the incident had not been repeated, Fenris could not stop thinking about it, particularly late at night in bed and when he was alone in the shower. He remembered how he tasted, his face as he took him all in, and the sounds of pleasure he made. It stirred something inside him. He loved seeing and touching his cock, perhaps that meant he was ready for something more.

The night it was finally brought up for the first time, Hawke and Fenris were sitting on the couch watching a movie, Hawke’s arm wrapped around the other man’s waist, absently rubbing his side, cheek resting on top of his head. This was how they usually spent their nights together after work and after dinner. It was peaceful, and neither of them ever felt like they had to talk just to break the silence.

It was oddly reminiscent of the first time they'd ever tried to be intimate while together. Fenris had freaked out and ran away from the situation, but this time he knew he was going to stay. He ran his fingers idly up and down Hawke's chest as they watched the movie, wondering if he'd notice.

Hawke definitely felt the touch, shifting a little to press a kiss to the top of Fenris’s head, his shoulders relaxing. It was notably unusual for Fenris to touch him this way but he wasn’t about to complain, or make it known for fear he might stop. Hawke loved any kind of attention he got from this man so this was more than welcome.

"Hawke..." Fenris mumbled, moving his hand up to his cheek and tilting his head towards him so he could pull him into a deep kiss. They were missing the movie but he didn't care.

The murmuring of his name sent chills down his spine. He kissed him back passionately, not seeming to mind that the movie had been abandoned either as he laced his arms around the other man’s waist. This behaviour was notably out of the ordinary for him, but he wasn’t about to question it.

Fenris didn't hesitate to deepen the kiss, nipping on Hawke's bottom lip. When he pulled away for air, he looked him over and then moved to straddle his lap.

This was definitely extremely familiar. Hawke couldn’t help but get a little bit of déjà vu, enough so that he pushed away a little bit, hand on Fenris’s chest as he looked up and met his eyes.

“Are you sure this is okay?” he asked softly. “This.... is oddly reminiscent of... well. You remember. I don’t want you to... I dunno.”

He couldn’t meet his eyes, not even sure what he meant himself.

"Yes. This is fine, I promise. I want to try again. I have been thinking much of what I did to you. If you like, you can touch me," Fenris said.

“You... you’re sure?” Hawke asked softly, meeting his eyes. There was a clear twinkle of anticipation to them, as if all of this seemed to him too good to be true.

"I am," Fenris nodded. He slid his hands over his shoulders and leaned in to press another kiss to his lips. "I want this Hawke. I want you."

Hawke inhaled sharply at that, licking his lips. He was too shocked to utter words, so he only pulled Fenris a little closer and captured his lips in his once again, letting Fenris’s legs wrap around his waist. He let his fingers slip up the fingers of his shirt, exploring the skin of his stomach slowly and tentatively, testing the waters.

At first, he stiffened a little. This was Hawke, not Danarius. He had total control of this situation, if he wanted to stop, he knew Hawke would stop.

“It’s okay, baby,” Hawke murmured softly, a pet name he rarely used but it sounded beautiful and sinfully rich coming from his lips at this moment as he pulled away from Fenris to trail kisses down his neck, grazing teeth over skin. He let his hands roam further up his chest until his thumbs were rubbing against hardening nipples. “I want to make you feel good.”

"I'm ready," Fenris smiled, letting himself calm down. His breath hitched at the feel of his thumbs. It had been a long time since he'd been touched by someone else and his sensitivity proved it.

Hawke smiled back at him, meeting his eyes for a moment before he returned to his work on his neck, gently biting down at the joint of his shoulder and lapping his tongue over the reddening mark. Meanwhile, his thumbs teased his nipples from beneath his shirt, until he pulled his mouth away from his neck in order to lift up Fenris’s shirt enough that his nipple was exposed to the air. He smirked, running his tongue over it before taking it into his mouth.

Fenris gasped, wiggling a little on his lap. His fingers moved to run through Hawke's hair. Maker, he was so sensitive.

Hawke cherished the feel of Fenris’s fingers lacing through his thick hair. He pulled away from his chest to kiss him again, lifting up more of his shirt as if he wanted to take it off but he hesitated, meeting Fenris’s eyes.

“Is this okay?” he asked softly. “If you want to keep clothes on, that’s fine. Just tell me. I don’t want to cross any boundaries.”

"No, it's fine," Fenris said. He lifted his arms up so Hawke could take his shirt off. It did feel a little strange being shirtless with him, but he was sure that he was going to get used to it. To make himself feel more comfortable, his fists grabbed the hem of Hawke's shirt and he raised an eyebrow at him.

Hawke grinned at him, happily removing his own shirt as well. Being shirtless together wasn’t new for them but it was in this setting. It was intimate, both of them eyeing each other up, appreciating their respective muscles.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmured. “I know compliments on your appearance aren’t your favourite but... you are. You’re... almost angelic.”

"I don't mind this time," Fenris said, smiling a little with a blush on his cheeks. He ran his hands up Hawke's exposed chest, admiring the muscles and hair that littered it. It was nice to feel appreciated and Hawke definitely gave him that.

 “Good,” Hawke smiled at that. “Because you’re going to hear a lot more.”

He leaned down once more to nip at his neck, his hands roving over his chest before sliding down his sides, tentatively going past his ass, avoiding it for now and just stroking his thighs as he made hickeys on his neck and shoulder.

"At least you can leave marks now, huh?" Fenris replied breathlessly. He groaned lowly at all the slow, gentle drag of his teeth against his skin.

“Mhmm, and I intend to cover you with them,” Hawke murmured, his voice a low rumble from somewhere deep in his throat as he gave him another, slightly harsher bite for emphasis.

"Go ahead," Fenris breathed. He ground down on Hawke's lap, still groaning. He wanted to coax him to hardness, to get him to move ahead.

Hawke gasped a little at the friction, squeezing his thighs and rocking back up against him. Was Fenris... wanting to go all the way with this? He wasn’t so sure. He pulled back for a moment, hands lingering over his ass as he met his eyes. “How far do you want me to go?”

It was a good question. What _did_ he want? No, there was no reason for him to stop. He wanted to do this, to go all the way. His confidence depended on it.

"All the way. We can... go upstairs to the bedroom, if you like," he said.

“I like the idea of taking you on this couch, but it’s up to you. The bedroom would be romantic but I’m fine with either,” Hawke smiled again at Fenris, absently rubbing his side.

"You'd have to get... supplies but I am happy doing it right here," Fenris hummed. Truthfully, he wouldn't even mind if Hawke didn't want to use a condom but given how long it had been since the last time he'd been fucked, lube was definitely an essential.

“Hmm... stay here then, I’ll be right back,” he gave Fenris a kiss on the forehead as he shuffled him out of his lap, departing down the hall and returning with a bottle of lube, setting it on the coffee table. He wasn’t even thinking about the fact of condom, he was just so excited that all of this was happening as he shuffled Fenris up into his lap again once more. He let his hands openly cup Fenris’s ass now, giving it a squeeze as he leaned in to give him a kiss, wondering how he’d react. This was what had scared him away last time. after all.

Fenris had swallowed every instinct that told him to be nervous. He wanted this, he knew just how good Hawke could make him feel. So, he kissed back eagerly and rocked back into Hawke's hand on his ass. They were finally ready to take this final step in intimacy.

Hawke let his hands tug at the loops of Fenris’s jeans, gently biting his lip as he began to slip them off, discarding them on the floor. If they were really going all the way, he wanted to see Fenris ride his cock. That was the only thing he wanted right now, and the fact that he was likely about to have that very thing was almost dream-like.

As Hawke slowly peeled the remaining pieces of clothing from his body, Fenris allowed him to take a moment to admire his body. Usually, it would be embarrassing, but since it was Hawke, he embraced it for now. He smiled at him bashfully, cock already semi-hard from all the attention.

Looking over Fenris, totally naked before him, nipples slick from his previous attentions, his shoulder and neck covered in fresh hickeys and his cock already becoming hard. It was the most darling thing he’d ever seen in his life. He reached out tentatively and stroked his cock with one of his large hands, sighing with contentment.

“Fuck, I love you,” he said with a chuckle, his eyes sparkling with admiration. “I wish I could take a picture of you right now and just... keep it forever.”

“I still have some… interesting images you sent me through text on my phone,” Fenris reminded him. A soft moan slipped from his lips as Hawke palmed his cock. His hands were so large, they could easily envelope him.

“You kept them? How scandalous,” Hawke teased with a smirk. “I still have the ones you sent me as well. And I’m glad I did.”

“I did,” Fenris said, rocking his hips for more friction with a soft sigh. “I don’t recall sending you anything too… vulgar. You on the other hand, sent some very explicit photos.”

“Because I’m not a tease,” he countered, running his thumb over the tip and slowly back down the shaft.

Fenris laughed a little at that, cutting through the moan and tremble of his body. _Such talented fingers Hawke had._

"Are you accusing me?" he said.

“I would never,” Hawke hummed, squeezing him once more before he let his other hand reach out for the lube, spreading it over a few of his fingers where Fenris could see him do it, meeting his eyes as he reached his hand behind him, tracing his hole with his fingers.

It made him twitch and shake. Fenris kept himself steady by putting his hands on Hawke’s shoulders. He was aroused enough that every little touch was driving him crazy.

“Put them in,” he whispered.

As if Hawke would resist the command. He smirked a little, leaning in to bite down on the other side of his neck that still needed some attention as he pushed in the first finger, not hesitating to go all the way to the knuckle and begin to work him slowly open, covering his neck with even more dark marks.

Fenris let out a long exhale when his finger was fully inside him. Strange but familiar. He had to get used to this again. He rolled his hips once more into the touch, eyes lidded.

Hawke smirked as he rolled his hips, noting how unexpectedly greedy he was for this. He slipped in the second finger before too long, and then the third, sure to have his hole spread wide open for him. He made a note to find that familiar but yet unfamiliar place inside him, one he hadn’t visited in far too long. He couldn’t help but grin in anticipation as he curled his fingers up against it.

The reaction was immediate. Fenris gasped, fingers tightening on his shoulders. Maker. This was definitely why he’d loved this so much and he wondered why he waited so long. His fingers were spreading him wide open, preparing him for the thick length of his cock. He could hardly wait.

“You can be as loud as you want, you know,” Hawke assured him, thrusting his fingers against that spot once again.

He wanted to hear that beautiful voice he’d gone without hearing for so long. And all of this, so far, had been very much worth the wait, especially to see Fenris like this. Whimpering and utterly debauched.

“I-I know,” Fenris whined. It was just _embarrassing_. He moaned the next time he brushed his fingers against his prostate, unable to help himself. His cock was already throbbing and through all the careful attention Hawke had paid, it seemed like he was ready. “I’m ready, Hawke.”

Hawke was tempted to tease him further, but they’d already dragged this on long enough. He pressed a little kiss to his nose as he pulled his fingers out, grabbing the lube again as he shuffled his pants down his hips, removing them completely so he was just as naked and exposed as Fenris was above him.

He smiled, holding eye contact as he lathered up his aching cock with the lubricant, not hesitating to make a show of it. Then, he wiped his hand off on a nearby pillow and gently lifted Fenris’s hips so that he could line himself up, then let him sink down so that he’d take him in, hole swallowing up his length as if it were made just to do that.

For a moment he worried that he was going to freak out as the head passed inside. Fenris’s breath got caught in his throat but he quickly gathered his thoughts and settled. He reminded himself how good it would feel in a few moments once he got settled and how good he was making Hawke feel. Once he was seated all the way to the hilt, he let out a long exhale.

Hawke moaned as Fenris finally settled in his lap, that tight heat enveloping him completely, seemingly without effort. It felt so _good,_ better than he remembered. He prayed Fenris wouldn’t run away now, that he’d see this through to the end. He reached up to cup his face, brushing some hair away.

“You can move when you’re ready,” he said softly, wanting Fenris to know that _he_ held the reigns on this situation, not him.

Fenris nodded. He wiggled his hips as he adjusted to the size of him. A part of him was sure he wasn’t supposed to be able to take someone this big, but practice always helped. Besides, he liked the way he stretched him out, filled him. Once he felt ready, he slowly lifted himself up only to sink back down on his cock.

Hawke gasped and moaned, making low noises in his throat as he tightly held Fenris’s hips in his hands, guiding him along with sure hands as he moved. He’d forgotten just how wonderful it felt to fuck Fenris, to stretch him open and settle deep inside him. He wondered how he thought he could settle for the feeling of anyone else.

“You feel so good, Fen,” he murmured, holding onto his thighs.

“You do too,” Fenris replied breathlessly. The feeling of skin against skin, it was better than he hoped. He kept moving as much as Hawke’s strong grip on his hips would allow, moaning with every brush against his insides.

Hawke rocked his hips back up into every thrust, gasping at the sweet, sweet friction. He wouldn’t last long like this and he knew it. He reached between Fenris’s legs to take his cock in his hands, trying to bring him over the edge before he could reach his own.

The combination of his cock slamming into his prostate with a shift of his hips and the stimulation provided by Hawke’s hand around his own shaft was driving him crazy. He moaned and writhed, head thrown back in ecstasy.

“Hawke I’m…” he gasped.

“It’s okay, you can come,” Hawke assured him softly, kissing him on the cheek as he punctuated his words with another particularly rough thrust towards his prostate, using the last of his strength and energy to drive up into him and finish him completely.

It all happened in a rush. Fenris cried out as he came, making a mess of his stomach and Hawke’s too. He took a deep breath, revelling in his post-orgasmic bliss, and leaned against Hawke’s neck. He allowed him to rock up into him until he finished.

Hawke followed soon after, groaning as he emptied inside him, tense muscles slowly becoming lax, his breathe quick and heavy. That was... _amazing._ That was easily the best sex he’d ever had, hands down. He couldn’t even find it in him to speak.

Fenris’s body was limp against Hawke’s chest, he grumbled but refused to move even as Hawke softened inside him. He was exhausted after all that.

Hawke wrapped his arms around him and held him close, rubbing his back absently. This moment was perfect. Right now, there was nowhere else he'd rather be but by Fenris's side.

"I love you," he said.

That made him smile. Fenris looked up at him, eyes twinkling. They’d just gotten over a huge hurdle in their relationship. It finally felt like everything was working out, they had a future together.

“I love you too,” he replied, for the first time but certainly not the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand it's over! boy, that was a ride.
> 
> thank you to everybody who has read and commented on this fic, it was a joy to write! (crazy to think it's been 4 months since we actually finished it)
> 
> @chubbyhawke and i will no longer be writing together so this is the last fic you'll see with us as a pair. however, i, the_tevinter_biscuit (the fenris in this fic) will still regularly be posting fenhawke fics if anyone is interested!
> 
> you can also find me @the-tevinter-biscuit on tumblr where i have both art and writing commissions open!
> 
> thank you :)


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